Feet curling, nails digging, teeth bared, tight skin, wide eyes and dishevelled hair. Clammy palms and dry knuckles used to wipe every ounce of blood, sweat and tears, that appear to pour out every minute. Muscles tense with every movement, causing pain to shoot through me, resulting in a spasm like that of a fish being electrocuted. I gaze up to face my abuser of my suffering, knowing they're very well thinking, "Your time is up, say goodbye". Yet though, as I receive another wound, I reach the peak, and shout finally..

One of the worst things that you could ever do to yourself is to constantly say “not yet.” You may be thinking, “Well, we live in a time where instant delivery Amazon packages as well fifteen-minute pizza deliveries are the reality. How can you tell me with a straight face that I’m always telling myself not yet?”

What if I told you that there's a person out there who willfully wants to slow you down and even downright sabotage you? What if I told you that this person may get all excited about your plans to change your life and turn things around for the better? What if I told you that this person initially encourages you and even is your biggest cheerleader at first?

Do you have a tough time separating your thoughts from your emotions? Has this ever happened to you? You're going about your day and everything seems to go well until you start thinking about something that happened in the past.

I admit it. I’ve been watching too much CNN recently. I’m spending unhealthy amounts of my time tuned in to Wolf Blitzer, Anderson Cooper, and Don Lemon; hanging on Dr. Sanjay Gupta’s every word, and feeling deep concern for reporters fallen ill with Covid-19. (Get well soon, Chris Cuomo and Brooke Baldwin. We miss you!) Honestly? It’s round-the-clock news consumption, gorging myself on terrifying statistics and numbers that grow exponentially by the hour. In fairness, it feels like no one wants to miss a single update on the unfolding coronavirus pandemic. It’s become our national pastime.

It's very easy to look at reality as something that is just handed to us. If our parents were abusive, alcoholics, or addicts, it's very easy and natural for people to think that's just the world that they were born in. They're just unlucky. That's just the way things are. Life is a giant a lottery and guess what? They ended up being handed the losing ticket. Talk about a very weak and a self-defeating mindset.

As the days go on and I hear more and more about tragic, unexpected deaths, shootings, horrible events I realize no one is guaranteed tomorrow. I always think that I should live each day to the fullest because I never know what is going to happen, but I never really live it. I have always been told that I procrastinate on telling people how I feel, and I admit it I do. Words are some of the strongest things and I think sometimes we hold them back. Not knowing what is going to come tomorrow means we should say what we want to say now because what if you are not here another day. It is really sad to think that we could be gone tomorrow or someone we love could be, but it is the truth. Sometimes the truth is the hardest thing to face, but we have too. Starting now I have made a promise to myself that I am going to try and keep. The promise is that I am going to start and say how I feel or what I want to say as soon as I can because what if I can never say it. I want to tell people how much I appreciate them, I want to tell people how much I miss them, but I just keep on waiting. I am going to try and start with my old best friend. All the way from my eighth grade year to my sophomore year I had the beset friend ever. We were the friends that did everything together, homework, tell secrets, hang out on the weekends, you name it. Then around sophomore year her and I grew apart, I could not really tell you how, but we went from being best friends to not talking at all. People were surprised by how our friendship broke so fast and so hard. A couple months later my boyfriend (Sean) that I had dated for three years broke up with me. I remember the next year I went to homecoming with a group of my friends and saw her there. I said hi to her and then she started asking me why I did not bring Sean. That is when I became really sad not because she brought him up, but because I realized how far apart we had grown. My beset friend in the whole world did not know about one of the hardest times in my life. I just wondered how did this all happen, it feels like just yesterday we were telling each other everything. It hit me that I had lost my best friend for real. It has been around two years now since I have last talked to her and I really miss her. I want to reach out to her again and see if we can become friends again, but I am scared. I keep telling myself I will reach out soon, but I never do. I know our friendship will never be the same, but even if she does not want to be friends again I want her to know I care about her and that I am here to be her friend. So I keep putting this off for the next day, but what if there is no next day. I challenge you to say what you want to say right now, do what you want to do right now because you never know what will come next. I hope to keep the promise to myself and reach out to her soon. You never know what will come next, but it is good to say what you want to say now instead of never.

I have no idea what to write about…

Less than 30 weeks out..

While almost everybody is at home because of the COVID-19 corona-virus, life keeps sending messages, which we choose to hear or not to. As I walk with my dog twice a day, I notice that yelling and screaming have increased. The open windows let my ears catch the stress of the forced "incarceration" from houses around me. COVID-19 may be an opportunity for people to see what 's really happening at their homes and also, in themselves.