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Why I’m Scared to Face My Traumatic Past — and How It’s Preventing Me from Living My Life

Is Healing Possible?

By Kabinga Charline MazabaPublished 4 months ago 3 min read

We all have a cross to bear. Some crosses are heavier than others, but we all have them. And while we may not be able to control the weight of our crosses, we can control how we carry them. For me, my cross is the trauma I experienced in my childhood. It’s something I’ve tried to forget, but it haunts me every day. It prevents me from living my life the way I want to — and that’s why I’m scared to face it.

I was just a child when it happened. But even though it was so long ago, it feels like it happened yesterday. The memories are so clear and vivid in my mind, and they always come back to me at the most unexpected times. They prevent me from moving on and living my life the way I want to.

I try to tell myself that it wasn’t my fault — that I was just a victim of circumstance. But no matter how many times I tell myself that, I can’t seem to shake the feeling of guilt and responsibility. Maybe it’s because society tells us that we’re supposed to “just get over” things like this — that we should be able to move on and forget about what happened. But how can I forget something that has such a profound effect on my everyday life?

The truth is, I’m not sure if I’ll ever be able to really confront what happened head-on. It’s just too hard for me right now. Maybe one day, when I’m feeling stronger and more capable, I’ll be ready to face it. But for now, I’ll just keep trying to carry my cross the best way I know how — one step at a time.

Seek Help

Even though facing my past terrifies me, there is a part of me that knows that it is something that I need to do. Ignoring it and Pretending like it never happened is not going to make it go away. In fact, it might even make things worse.

What If Facing My Traumatic Past Means Reliving The Trauma? One of my biggest fears is that if I start to face my past, I will get overwhelmed with all the hurt, pain and trauma that I experienced. And reliving those experiences is something that I am just not ready to do.

I am afraid that if I start down that road, there is no turning back. Once those Pandora’s Box gets opened, there is no telling what might come out of it. And I am just not ready to deal with all of that right now.

Another thing that scares me about facing my past is the idea of having to forgive the people who hurt me. Forgiving them would mean letting go of all the anger and resentment that I have towards them. And to be honest, I am not sure if I am ready to do that just yet.

It feels like forgiving them would be like giving them a free pass to hurt me again. And I just don’t know if I can take that risk.

The thought of facing my past also scares me because it feels like it might change who I am as a person. It feels like once I start down that road, there is no turning back and I will never be the same again.

And even though change can be scary, sometimes it is also necessary in order for us to grow and move on with our lives.

Carrying a heavy cross can be difficult, but we all have them. And while we might not be able to control the weight of our crosses, we can control how we carry them — one step at a time. And know that there is hope for a brighter future ahead. So even though it scares me, I am going to try and face my past head on. Wish me luck!

© Kabinga Charline Mazaba. All rights reserved.

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About the Creator

Kabinga Charline Mazaba

- Blogger & Content Writer

- Founder of the clothing brand "Lifemotiva": a mission to inspire people to live their best lives.

- I help people who have experienced trauma in their lives to heal and move forward.

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