satire
Health and Wellness satire, comedy, and all things satirical in the Longevity digital space.
The Last Bath
Baths are a strange contraption, I mean, you literally sit in a small collection of water that is slowly but surely getting dirtier by the second. The trouble with them is that the hassle begins way before you even step foot inside the tub. It starts way back at the stressful, anxiety-inducing precision of the ratio of hot and cold water you must strike. If you have a functioning bath that actually provides a medium temperature then read on because this part is for the muggles amongst us that only have two options when it comes to the temperature of the water coming out of the tap: boiling or frozen. What I usually do whenever I decide to indulge myself in one of these completely inconvenient traps of the bathing world is fill the first half with blisteringly hot water and then top it off with basically frozen tap water until my foot doesn’t get scolded when it dares to submerge itself below its depths. I usually add dead sea salts or something to the water to add a bit of luxury to proceedings.
Declan FlahivePublished 4 years ago in LongevityThe Diary Of The 2020 Quarantine
Note: This is all satire. March 13th Today we were told we need to stay at home and quarantine to help stop the spread of the coronavirus.
Stephanie DolcePublished 4 years ago in LongevityFive Cases of the Better Between Two Evils
1.) Lunch is better than dinner. The superior meal of all is breakfast. Every other meal is a let down. You can eat anything in the early AM (chinese take-out leftovers before 8 in the morning? Old McDonald fries? Four boxes of Girl Scout cookies?) and call it breakfast and more traditional breakfast foods like scrambled eggs and toast hit any point in the day. The same isn‘t true for lunch and dinner. They have set dishes that are way too similar to each other to spark as much creative genius as breakfast. But, lunch has the upper hand thanks to the miracle that is sandwiches. You can put anything between two slices of any bread you find and call it a sandwich. Pototoe chips and lettuce between two slices of sourdough bread? That isn’t your depression showing, it’s a meal.
Kat L'EsperancePublished 4 years ago in LongevityPandemic
...Have you heard about the new virus that has been going around? OF COURSE you have!! The media has made it a priority to disperse the news about the Coronavirus, now called COVID 19, but unlike the H1N1 or the Ebola virus that have come and gone... this time they are making it to be a lot more aggressive than it is. It is starting to be called a pandemic.
Must Love DogsPublished 4 years ago in LongevityCoronavirus:The quirky side of COVID-19
I feel that if someone tells me one more time to "wash my hands" I might scream. They are even coming up with songs to use as a backing track for that 20-minute hand wash. You end up feeling like a surgeon, scrubbing up for the next op! But when you see what some people are doing in an effort to evade coronavirus, you sometimes have to laugh.
Anne SewellPublished 4 years ago in LongevityPride (and a Bus Pass) Will Get Me Everywhere!
“Pride goeth before a fall.” So, they say so. Perhaps I am not one to talk, but I can definitely (and easily) relate to this. There have been MANY instances where my pride has gotten in my way. Perhaps, I should have seen the fall coming, but pride always got in my way.
Maurice BernierPublished 4 years ago in LongevityMy Insides Are Exploding
My insides are exploding, they hate me and want to be elsewhere, or at least that's how it feels, Or like someone is trying to scrape them out with a really jagged spoon inserted through my lady bits.
Tanya LloydPublished 6 years ago in LongevityDoyle Syndrome
I had to check that there wasn’t a real illness called Doyle Syndrome prior to writing this post, and there isn’t, so we’re good. Although if there was, I’d just call it Mrs. Doyle syndrome — which may give you some idea as to where this is going. My memory was jolted by an article published on The Establishment, “This Is Why Consent Doesn’t Exist For Disabled Folks,” which goes in to the numerous ways in which disabled people are required to give more of themselves in order to get the same treatment as able-bodied people. An important issue it raises is the stripping of agency from disabled individuals by the able-bodied.
Katy PreenPublished 7 years ago in LongevityThe Strange Case of a Temporary Cure
“I’d like a bottle of Sympathy please. Actually two because my mother’s coming next week and she still hasn’t gotten over the death of her cat. And do you have a vial of Patience?”
Cat Charity JudePublished 7 years ago in LongevityTorches of Freedom
I have brought you here today to bring attention to the fact that we have had a human right taken from us. We once had right, to do as we please, but that all changed once the sourpusses got hold of what we were doing. They whine and dine with their cheese, saying that “it is not good for us,” and “can harm our health.” Well, I am here today to snuff out their illegitimate complaints. These pessimists do not understand the beauty of human addiction, the kind of relationship that we gain as we go on. But thanks to them, we have had this constitutional right taken from us; our torches of freedom are extinguished. We cannot publicly smoke cigarettes anymore.
Lydia GracePublished 7 years ago in LongevityDear Tummy;
I wish we had a better relationship. I have been trying since I was a teenager to feel better about you but our negative relationship still haunts me every single day. I have tried everything to hide you. Extreme corsets, tummy-slimming undies, control top pantyhose, baggy shirts, those horribly uncomfortable tummy-tucking Lycra shorts thingies that just end up rolling down and creating a weird lump under my clothing... you name it, I've tried it. And still, there you are like a creepy stalker following me everywhere I go.
Sarah SparksPublished 7 years ago in LongevityDarby Burl's No Bullshit Reviews: Deodorant
Howdy y’all! Welcome to this week’s edition of Darby Burl’s No Bullshit Reviews. I’m Darby Burl! Last time we talked about Wonder Woman’s lack of muscles. For today’s review, I will step out of my lady lumberjack comfort zone and into granola-chompin’, patchouli-stankin’ hippie-land to try a new deodorant.
Darby BurlPublished 7 years ago in Longevity