Five Cases of the Better Between Two Evils

1.) Lunch is better than dinner.

The superior meal of all is breakfast. Every other meal is a let down. You can eat anything in the early AM (chinese take-out leftovers before 8 in the morning? Old McDonald fries? Four boxes of Girl Scout cookies?) and call it breakfast and more traditional breakfast foods like scrambled eggs and toast hit any point in the day. The same isn‘t true for lunch and dinner. They have set dishes that are way too similar to each other to spark as much creative genius as breakfast. But, lunch has the upper hand thanks to the miracle that is sandwiches. You can put anything between two slices of any bread you find and call it a sandwich. Pototoe chips and lettuce between two slices of sourdough bread? That isn’t your depression showing, it’s a meal.

2.) Playing Poptropica at 19 is better than relaying on your mom to make you lunch every day.

Growing up sucks. Everyone and writers of contemporary coming-of-age films will agree that growing up is the actual worst. But how you cope with it varies greatly and some do it better than others. This is a fact. Clinging onto childhood is a natural response. The parts you cling to however, matter. If you still depend on your mother making you lunch, not just her making lunch to be nice but fully depending on her still for making sure you have your mid-day meal, you need to rethink your life. This of course doesn’t include people who are disabled in anyway, but by the time you’re nineteen and you're an able body person, you should be making your own meals. You’re almost in your twenties for god’s sake. What are you doing?

3.) Smoking cigarettes is better than juuling.

Yes neither is good. A nicotine addiction can kill you. Sucking shit into your lungs that isn’t oxygen is bad for you. Blah, blah, blah. However, look at the differece between a college student juuling and a college student smoking a cigarette. Aesthetically, the college student smoking a cigarette is 100% more appealing. They have this air of another time when smoking was everyday and celebrated in American culture. The kid juuling had sprite for breakfast and we all already know my stance on the importance of breakfast. Besides, if someone is smoking a cigarette, they’re committed to it. They take out anywhere between five to seven minutes of their day to inhale the smoky goodness of tobacco, not sorta take a drag or two from a weird ass contraption so often. Both people are just as addicted, but the cigarettes smoker can get a job done in a timely manner.

4.) Blowjobs aren’t all that bad.

For anyone who has had sex with anyone with a penis, many can attest it’s rarely good. Partly because dicks are simply overgrown fungus. They grow in dark, sometimes moist if you’re truly unlucky, places and too often smell strange. Why is it better to put it in your mouth than any bottom laying holes? You have full control of the one-eye monster. If it’s owner gets to be too much, just graze it with your teeth. The power makes it better alone.

5.) Hilary would have been a better president than Trump.

Despite four years passing, it still surprises me when I meet someone who, in their heart of hearts believes Trump to be a better option than Hilary. Actually, it surprises me more now after four years that there are still supporters of his. Sure, not a lot would have been done, but it’s better than four years of chaos ending in a pandemic than a slow age of nothing ending in a pandemic.