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The Last Bath

A rant on why baths are bad

By Declan FlahivePublished 4 years ago 2 min read
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Baths are a strange contraption, I mean, you literally sit in a small collection of water that is slowly but surely getting dirtier by the second. The trouble with them is that the hassle begins way before you even step foot inside the tub. It starts way back at the stressful, anxiety-inducing precision of the ratio of hot and cold water you must strike. If you have a functioning bath that actually provides a medium temperature then read on because this part is for the muggles amongst us that only have two options when it comes to the temperature of the water coming out of the tap: boiling or frozen. What I usually do whenever I decide to indulge myself in one of these completely inconvenient traps of the bathing world is fill the first half with blisteringly hot water and then top it off with basically frozen tap water until my foot doesn’t get scolded when it dares to submerge itself below its depths. I usually add dead sea salts or something to the water to add a bit of luxury to proceedings.

When I am finally in my bath, and I have my little speaker playing some relaxing music as I begin to unwind and change my opinion to that of showers being better, I always need a pee. Going to the toilet at literally any other time of the day whilst you are in your house is perfectly pleasant and simple, but when you are in a bath you feel like the world is spiting you. Because that is it, you cannot go forth with your relaxation with the impending thought of urination playing on the back of your mind. And unlike a shower, another reason why they are superior, you cannot just pee in yours because that is just gross for several reasons that need not getting into. I am pretty sure even the Queen has peed in the shower, so get over yourself before you fling judgment this way.

The worst part is that baths do not even get you clean, they really do not. Whenever I have a bath, I will admit it, I feel relaxed. But clean? Clean? No, I do not feel clean. The only times I ever feel clean after a bath is when I have a shower directly afterwards to wash off all the dirty water I have been laying in for the past thirty minutes.

Overall, baths are a waste of time and water. So do the planet and yourself a favour and leave the tub alone. But make sure you wash yourself, there is always that one person on public transport who smells, just make sure it is not you.



satire
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