satire
Health and Wellness satire, comedy, and all things satirical in the Longevity digital space.
30 Things I'm Still Doing In My 30's
If you were to ask me as a teenager what I would be doing at the fine age of 34, I am pretty sure my current situation wouldn't be it. Not that I don't love my life now, because I do, I really do, but I most likely pictured myself living in a dope ass New York City loft, wearing Gucci head to toe, and designing clothes and saying things like, "right on top of that Rose". If you don't know what movie I am referring to then you are probably too young to even be reading this article. Don't Tell Mom the Babysitter's Dead people, come on! However, like I said I never saw myself living in central Jersey burbs, chasing around two kids who I love and despise more than anything in the world, still rocking colored hair (purple currently) and a wardrobe mostly full of "active wear". Side note, "active wear" is now the cool word for yoga pants and tank tops with motivational sayings like, Gym Hair Don't Care. Ugh! Aside from the aesthetic version of the now me, I also didn't think I would still be this big of a child. Dancing in my living room like I am god damn Brittney Spears, curing hangovers with 3 Advil and Coca Cola, and begging my kids to build tents with me. I know all adults must give into their inner child now and again, but I think something may be wrong me. It's like my body, common sense, and patience grew up but deep down I am still 17-years-old with 8-year-old tantrums. Here are 30 things I am still doing in my thirties. I am hoping most of you can check a few off yourselves.
Jus L'amorePublished 7 years ago in LongevityTop Slang of '17
Whenever I imagine an older person trying to be cool I envision someone saying "yo yo yo" while they flail and cross their arms like a rapper from the 80's. Except instead of looking like a cool ass hip hop artist they look more like someone having a fit and sounding like a total dweeb. OK, maybe that's just me since that is exactly what my father did while I was growing up. My friends would come over, mostly dressed in XXL t-shirts and Phat Farm jeans on, and there would be my dad Yo Yo Yo'n and arm seizuring all up in their face. And never, not once, did any one of those friends say, "Damn your dad is cool".
Jus L'amorePublished 7 years ago in LongevityI Bought the Sun for a Dollar
You’re probably familiar with the concept of six degrees of separation, whereby you and everyone on the planet can be connected through a chain of no more than five intermediaries. This small world theory has been considered for almost ninety years and like all theories it may not yet be proven. Still, connections, whether remote or in our faces may impact us more than we can ever realize.
Gary StartaPublished 7 years ago in LongevityFunny Things That Only Happen to Yogis
Yoga is so much more than just a workout - it’s a lifestyle. It changes you as a person—it contributes to your self-development and it improves your overall health. Through yoga you can meet your future friends, soulmates (and I don’t mean just your yoga mat) and even start a new career you never knew existed. Once you’re in it, you’re a yogi for life. And the results are phenomenal.
Mackenzie LuPublished 8 years ago in LongevityThings You Didn't Know About Your Mouth
The eyes might be the windows to your soul, but your mouth is the centerpiece of your face. Out of your mouth come words of wisdom, laughter and other assorted noises. Some like to decorate their mouths with various lip colors or glosses, some have an attachment to Chapstick or other lip balms. Whatever the case may be, your mouth is very important for so many reasons. Without teeth, how would we chew gum? Without a voice, how would we express our opinions? Without our lips, how would we experience the magic of a first kiss? And we won't even go into the many interesting uses for our tongues...Though, did you know that when you do kiss someone for about 10 seconds, over 80 million bacteria are transferred? If you are kissing the same person, over time, your bodies become used to each other's bacteria..which might be the healthiest reason to practice monogamy!
Banji GanchrowPublished 8 years ago in LongevityPositive Effects of a Horrible Lifestyle
Life is full of vices. If you go through your day, how many things do you do that you could probably do differently or better? Do you park as close as you can to where you need to go or do you give yourself the opportunity to take a bit of a walk? Do you purchase a candy bar from the vending machine or do you take the time to pack yourself some healthy snacks? Pick you nose when no one is watching? Pass gas when you think no one can hear or smell? So let's say that you do a whole a range of 'horrible things.' Let's say that you are the picture of 'sloth'....what would happen if you found out that some of the unhealthy things you do, could actually be pretty positive in the long term? That would probably make you feel much better about yourself and there is nothing wrong with that. So yell at your boss, put your feet up, unwrap that Twinkie and let's see how right all of your wrong doings actually are.
Banji GanchrowPublished 8 years ago in LongevityBeauty Myths Debunked
Your mother isn't always right. That being said, most of the tips your mom told you while you were growing up were actually beauty myths. But this problem is a lot bigger than motherly advice. Classic beauty is tough to define because every culture has their own idea of beauty. Some countries favor the blonde, light skinned look; other countries are more likely to favor dark skin and dark hair. Big lips, thin lips, curly hair, straight hair. Stick thin, shapely, hairy, hairless. Beauty is really in the eye of the beholder and maybe that is why it is so darn confusing how we should make ourselves look. Fortunately, the best gift that we can be given as children is for our parents to tell us that we are beautiful. To instill that confidence in us, that makes us feel like we are something special. Whether it is true or not, it doesn't really matter because you cannot buy self-esteem in a jar. And you certainly cannot buy self-esteem by looking through a magazine of airbrushed, professionally made-up models that are definitely put on this Earth to make us mere mortals feel inadequate. These beauty myths debunked reveal a more accurate perspective on mom's advice, and might improve self esteem.
Alicia SpringerPublished 8 years ago in LongevityFunny Yoga Pick Up Lines
For avid yogis, yoga can be a physical, mental, and spiritual experience which rivals the feelings you may have during sex, thanks to the release of those happy little endorphins. Since both intimacy and yoga have many similar benefits to offer like stress relief, increased blood flow, and weight loss, how great would it be to join the two. The more yoga you practice the better sex life you can have and the more sex you have the better life will be! Not only does yoga do a body good, but it can also increase concentration, inspire thought, and open your heart, which are all positives if you are single and ready to yoga mingle. So next time you step into that studio full of relaxing music, tight pants, and pretzel-folded bodies, here are a few funny yoga pick up lines that are sure to start a very interesting conversation.
Jus L'amorePublished 9 years ago in Longevity