I'll Let You Know When I Want to See You Half Naked

I’m back again with another thought-provoking article about online dating for seniors.

It’s the pictures. The dating services “strongly suggest” that you provide more than one picture; that they be full body pictures, not just headshots, and that they are recent (as in the last two, not the last 20 years).

Seems reasonable enough. I can provide one headshot of myself in my best light — a newly coifed hairdo, lightly applied makeup, and a broad smile.

But there are also plenty of pictures in my phone album which, despite my massive weight loss (The Life That Led Me to Bariatric Surgery) still seem to showcase the stubborn chubby body parts that no amount of starvation or exercise will alleviate.

Of course, I choose the pictures that showcase my best features. But I am honest about it. The pictures I post are recent — no older than two years, most within a year, and if my stomach isn’t board-flat and my hips aren’t those of a 12-year-old boy, so be it. This is me and this is what you are going to get. If you don’t like it, scroll on.

I could write a separate article on the comments I have received on my previous senior online dating stories (My Senior Online Dating Saga ) in which women wrote to tell me that the in-person reality bore zero resemblance to the online picture. That 6’ tall, buff, dark-haired online 65-year-old heartthrob was, in person, a short, bald, 80-year-old, beer-bellied, smoker with nicotine and nacho cheese-stained fingers.

But this article is not as much about the misrepresentation of one’s self in online dating photos as it is a sincere question about the need, desire, and necessity (?) for men to post bare-chested pictures of themselves. On boats; in their backyard pools; on their couches at home. Why do they do it?

Do they honestly think that I believe a 70+-year-old man sports toned, rock-hard muscles? (Or rock hard anything? HA HA HA) If we do meet in person and advance to the shirtless stage, don’t they realize the truth will bare itself (pun intended)?

Conversely, if they post real pictures of themselves, do they honestly think a gray-haired sunken 80-year-old chest is going to make me stop and send a smile or whatever that dating site uses as an invitation to connect?

No, these bare-chested pictures don’t turn me on or pique my interest. They freak me out, turn me off, and make me wonder about the character and motivation of the man in question. Is he a narcissist? A braggart? Delusional?

I would like to hear from the men who post these pictures. Why do you do it? A picture of a friendly-looking elder gentleman cuddling his dog would make me stop and take notice sooner than a bare chest.

If we connect online, meet in person, get to know one another, and like each other enough that I want to see your bare chest, believe me, you’ll know about it. But you’ll have to be willing to put up with bare breasts that are best friends with the belt at my waist, and a tummy that feels more like the Pillsbury Dough Boy than a supermodel’s ribs.

Please, guys, our time is short. Why waste it with fraud and chicanery? Let’s be honest and make whatever time we half left on this earth truthful and meaningful.

I can assure you if you are an intelligent conversationalist, have a quick wit, and are kind and compassionate to animals and underdogs of society, whatever your bare chest looks like will be fine with me. It’s the heart that beats beneath it that matters to me.

Disclaimer: To be fair, I cannot address this issue from a male point of view, because unless you provide your name, email address, what sex you are, and what sex you are looking for in a date, you are not allowed access to profiles on dating sites. Therefore, I am not privy to what types of pictures women post, and if they also provide the types of pictures to which I refer in this article (not bare-chested for the women, more like extreme cleavage-baring). I would hope to hear from the men on this subject in the comments. The pictures of me in this article are real — straight from my camera. The picture of the man in the title shot is a stock photo from the free site, Unsplash, because I do not have permission from the online daters to post their pictures.

Originally published in Crow's Feet, a Medium.com publication

©2022 Joan Gershman