My Senior Online Dating Saga

Should I or shouldn’t I? Was this the time to give online dating a shot? In my overactive imagination, I was hoping to find someone who still rode a motorcycle and could transport me back to the joy of my carefree youthful days of riding with the wind in my face and my body in tandem with every curve and turn of the bike. When the reality of my unbalanced arthritic body woke me up and slapped me in the head, I adjusted my expectation to looking for someone who still drove a car at night. As a widow who was blessed to have experienced a long, loving marriage with the best the male species had to offer, I was not looking for a serious long-term relationship. I was looking for companionship and fun. Someone with whom to enjoy a concert, a play, dinner, great conversation, and hearty laughter.

At the time this idea occurred to me, we were in the middle of a worldwide pandemic lockdown. It probably would not have seemed like the best time to sign up for a dating service to most people, but I thought it could work to my advantage. Online daters were Face Timing and Zooming one another, rather than meeting in person. I wouldn’t have to worry about escaping from the grips of a secret serial killer or con artist. If the video conversation went well, we could continue talking and plan another “virtual” date. If it was obvious we weren’t compatible, one of us could simply admit it and say goodbye. No public scenes, no awkward extrication moves, no embarrassment. Just…Bye. Click. Fade out.

With this safety net in mind and a little bit of confidence that I am cute enough to spur someone to inquire about me, I signed up for one month at an online senior dating service.

I dutifully and truthfully filled out my “profile”, listing the activities I enjoyed, my personal attributes, taste in music, political leaning, religion, as well as what I was looking for in a potential date.

This particular dating service must have had faulty algorithms (those mysterious mathematical rule things that seem to control everything you see on the Internet) or actual humans who pay no attention to the profiles they are reading. I have no other explanation for the “matches” they sent to my inbox.

I am passionate about my political beliefs and would prefer someone who shares similar ideals but am not so close-minded that I need to date someone who agrees with me on every single issue. However, the matches that were sent to me were akin to pairing up a Southern Confederate slave owner with a Northern abolitionist during the Civil War. Not a lot of agreeing points.

The same with religion. At this stage of my life, I do not need to date someone who shares my religion. It’s not as if we are going to marry and be concerned about which religion we want our future kids to follow. I respect everyone’s right to practice their religion of choice, and I would expect the same from someone I dated. Simple enough. I thought. Apparently, this dating service did not see it that way. They sent me matches who were Hell-bent on preaching and converting anyone within reading distance.

But the worst was my potential dates’ requirements list. What I am about to tell you was not the work of one aberrant oddball with an over-inflated ego. No, no. Many of the men posted a frighteningly similar list of requirements that their potential date MUST possess. She must be beautiful, THIN (That one was always emphasized.), well-groomed, have perfectly manicured nails, be well dressed, preferably in high heels, perfectly coiffed, intelligent, independently wealthy, healthy, athletic, carry no emotional baggage, and not use men as free meal tickets. These age 65+ old codgers also listed age requirements between 18 (yes,18!) and 35. Based upon their profile pictures, none of them came close to the requirements they demanded in their potential dates. Um, neither did I, so that considerably reduced the pool of applicants to whom I could respond.

Undeterred and determined, I submitted my profile and waited with anticipatory trepidation.

Are you expecting to read that I found love on this dating site? If not long-lasting love, that I at least had a variety of “virtual dates” with interesting, funny, intelligent conversationalists? If not “dates”, that I was contacted by a few seemingly nice, normal men for possible interest? The list of possible encounters is narrowing as you read. All right, then, do you think that someone, anyone with a pulse at least checked my profile? At last, we have a YES.

During my one-month trial, about 15 men checked my profile. Here are the results. 10 of them checked and scrolled past. 4 of them sent me a “smile”. In online dating parlance that means that they are interested enough to see if I will “smile” back. More on that in a minute. And one of them sent me a message, which read……………….. “Miss Joan, you need more than head-shot pictures. The men on this site want to see what is below the neck.” Written by a man whose profile consisted of ONE headshot, and dare I say, was extremely unattractive.

As for the 4 men who sent me “smiles”, the profiles of two of them emphasized their love of Bible studies, that they read the Bible daily, and that they hoped to find a woman with whom to share that activity. As I said in my profile, I respect their right to practice their religion, but Bible studying is not how I want to spend a date.

The 3rd man emphasized his love of hunting………….ALL. THE. TIME. He was looking for a hunting companion. I can assure you that is not me. I still cry when I think about Bambi’s mother.

And then there was the 4th man. I am a life-long, unabashed marshmallow- hearted lover of dogs. Big dogs, little dogs, cute dogs, ugly dogs. All dogs. Dogs are more loving and loyal than many humans I know. I made sure that my dog-loving nature was part of my profile. Man #4 stated in his profile that if a woman could not part with her dog, it was a deal- breaker for him.

Then there was the profile of a man the dating site sent me, whom they were sure would pique my interest. He was seeking a companion to join him on his favorite adventure …………..mountain climbing. My workout consists of being able to walk for miles in a straight line on a flat surface……..with my cane. Mountain climbing. Sure.

We are all attracted to a certain “look”, and I did not see my “look” preference in any of the profile pictures the dating site sent me. I was unimpressed with the retired lawyer who posted a picture of himself sporting a scruffy beard and dirty, unkempt hair.

We are all swayed by certain language phrases. Mountain climbing and hunting are sure-fire phrases that will cause me to scroll past. However, I did read one profile that grabbed my attention. The man talked about what a great companion his dog was and how much he enjoyed their time together. He did not return my “smile”.

Maybe the problem is with me. I guess I am too fussy. My late husband is a hard act to follow.

So I am sorry I do not have a plethora of adventurous dating stories for you. But do not despair. I am going to give this one more try with a different dating site. In the meantime, does anyone know a nice widower who likes dogs, regular haircuts, and doesn’t mountain climb?