I – Literally – Lie Awake at Night, Worrying about the Grass Growing

Anxiety is a monster. It has a vicious hold on you. I have carried this monster most of my life. I had a basal ganglia stroke in March of 2024. Ever since this, I have experienced limitations in what I am capable of doing – including yard work. As a result, I – literally – lie awake at night, worrying about the grass in my yard growing. It is true. All I have is a push mower and being that I keep experiencing right side weakness and falling, there is no way I am going out there to push that thing around this massive yard in the Florida heat, to try to get it looking nice.

The good news is, my good friend, Brian, brought his zero-turn monster mower over and mowed my grass. He did it at no charge! He and his wife, Diane, are always so awesome and jump when we need something. I told him “Thank you” and that I appreciated it, but honestly, I do not think he realizes what a relief it was to have that grass mowed.

Now, I could go on and on about my grass, my weeds, the vines taking over my chain-linked fence and all of the other chores that need to be tended to out there on my property, but that is not really what this article is about. The purpose and intent of this article is to share some strategies I used to help in reducing the anxiety that I experience on a daily basis so that it can help you, the reader.

1. Clear Your Space

The first thing I did was take inventory of the space I lived in inside of my home. On the most part, I do keep a clean, organized house; however, there are some storage containers here and there that really get on my nerves and the room I used for an office was not truly comfortable. So, I started by picking another room, having the ceiling and walls painted, and throwing down a new rug on the floor and relocating my office to a room with plenty of windows and lighting.

Then, I took those random storage containers hanging around the house, and put them in the old room I used for an office and I shut the door. Now, all my storage items are confined to a new space that I fondly refer to as my “she-shed” and I feel like a brand-new person that has a brand-new office. The air is lighter. It is easier to work in this room and it makes me feel much better. If you have a lot of anxiety, I recommend you evaluating the space in your home and deciding if it needs changed up, organized, or cleaned out. If it does, go for it. You will feel so much better in the end.

2. Don’t Hide Your Crazy

Now, growing up, I was always told by my dad to – basically – “hide your crazy”, although those are not the words he said, exactly. He basically taught my sister and I to not discuss our problems with other people because people just do not care. HE would tell us to watch out for people and no one is truly our friend. He definitely had a weird outlook on life, but he was our dad and a lot of what he taught us stuck, so I have been hiding my crazy for years. After I was released from the hospital, I started seeing a new primary care provider. I was so emotional after the stroke.

One day, I sat in her office and just cried and the anxiety started…she saw all of this and immediately decided to prescribe anti-depressants. I am now about a month in on taking the anti-depressant and it has helped me a lot. Getting it all out helped, too. I was glad to finally talk to someone. If you have anxiety, DO NOT feel as if you have to “hide your crazy” – we are all in this together and by getting it out and off your chest, you will definitely feel better. Talk to whoever you are comfortable with – be it your doctor, your best friend, or your pastor – the goal is to just get it out of you so it does not continue to fester inside of you and make you worse.

3. Say What You Mean and Mean What You Say

I have always been the world’s worst when it comes to saying one thing, and wanting to do another – just because I am a people pleaser. Since the stroke, I have learned to say what I mean and mean what I say. For example, if I do not want to do something, I say “No” and leave it at that. If I am not comfortable with something, I say so.

You can say what you mean and mean what you say without hurting others. But, if you say what you do not mean and do not live life on your own terms, you are simply hurting yourself. You came into this life on your own and you will go out of it on your own, you may as well live the way you want to live and be happy with your choices. As long as you are not infringing on the rights or safety of others, this is perfectly acceptable. If you say what you mean and mean what you say, you will quickly find that the amount of anxiety that you experience is dramatically reduced.

4. Just Do It

Now, when I had my stroke, I was a fiercely independent person. Since the stroke, I have lost a lot of that as I now need help with quite a bit – even silly things like putting on socks and cooking. I thank God for my best friend and my youngest son who have both been there to help me. I also fall a lot and now I have a lot of fear about falling when out in public and even about the possibility of getting hurt when I fall. Just this week alone, I have had two falls.

As I write this, my back hurts a lot from the last fall. Despite the fact I am facing limitations, I have decided to quit being governed by those limitations. I want to improve, so I just dig deep and just do it…even if I fail, at least I am trying and that makes me feel really good about myself and I have found that by pushing myself physically and mentally, I am stronger on an emotional level and the anxiety seems to be lessening just a little on certain things – like the fear of falling in a store or another public place. Just dig deep and do whatever it is that you need to do instead of just worrying about it.

5. Learn to Ask for Help

There is no doubt that there will be people I personally know reading this and you all know how stubborn I am in asking for help. I just try to avoid it. Again, it goes back to what our dad taught us – you know, things like people don’t care about you, don’t ask people for help, they have their own lives and do not want to worry about you. It’s all lies. There ARE people out there that do care and genuinely want to help you. If you want to have less anxiety, learn to ask for help and accept help when it is offered to you.

Thank You

I thank you for reading this article. I hope my life experience can help you. If you like this content and are capable, please consider giving a tip or even just sharing this article with others. I have incurred many expenses since having the stroke and anything is helpful. May you move forward with less anxiety!