Wedding Humor in Real Life

I am a musician and have been honored to sing in hundreds of weddings as couples make their lifetime commitments to each other. I have sung in cathedrals, churches, farms, beaches, event halls, homes, and even a car dealership. Some brides want simple weddings and others want to be Princess Brides. Below, are some humorous moments I witnessed over the years. These real-life anecdotes seem to grow funnier with time.

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Bribery Never Pays

Groomsmen escorted and seated the bride's mother as I finished the second wedding song. The groom and his best man entered the sanctuary and stood in place at the altar. All eyes turned to the bridesmaids who slowly stepped down the aisle for their moment in the sun, at the price of a dress they would probably never wear again. After the maid of honor and maids were in place, a brief interlude saw a groomsman pull the satin runner down the aisle.

The organist played Pachelbel's Canon in D as little Suzie, the flower girl strolled down the aisle, stopping, and meandering, while flicking rose petals to the ground. A beautiful scene that had been difficult to create the night before during rehearsal.

Little Suzie, at five years old had objected to her role and delayed the rehearsal for thirty minutes. I learned later that her mother had bribed her with candy, lots of candy for her compliance.

The following day, an hour before the wedding I heard Suzie screaming at her mother, "I don't want to do it." Her mother responded with the promise of more candy. Suzie would have made a shakedown mobster proud. Little did I know the candy promise was a payment on demand as we would all soon witness.

The wedding party held their collective breath as Suzie stepped onto the runner from the back of the sanctuary. To our relief, Suzie, with a cherubic smile, cast the scented petals like an angel. At the last pew before the Altar, and ten feet from the bridesmaid assigned to take her hand, Suzie stopped.

The bridesmaid waved her hand to encourage her to continue. Suzie froze in place and her cherubic face disappeared. Some other entity showed its pallid face. She turned her head left, right, and then sweet, sticky, multicolored projectile vomit erupted from her mouth onto the runner, the bride's mother, and dripped off of her chin. The moment was like a scene from the movie, The Exorcist, in 4-D. If the organist had switched to The Candy Man Can it would have been appropriate.

The stench of vomit overpowered the scent of the beautiful flowers and recycled through the air conditioning. Sounds of gasps and gagging pervaded the room. The wedding director must have been S.W.A.T. trained. She ran from a side door, scooped up Suzie, handed her off to an assistant, pulled scissors from her pouch and excised the damaged runner, rolled up the vile evidence, and ran out the door. I don't remember the couple but everyone in attendance will forever think of Suzie.

To this day I've always wondered if Suzie ever got married and whether she had a flower girl. If so, I hope she kept her candy-pushing mother away from the girl.

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Hairspray – The Wedding

In the 1980s, woman's big hairstyles were teased up like cotton candy and it seemed the bridesmaids were all in competition for a style trophy.

I perched in place by the pianist overlooking the three hundred attendees and the twelve-member wedding party. I sang a folky wedding song, There Is Love, while the Bride and Groom moved toward the Unity candle for the ritual within the ceremony.

The Bride handed her wedding bouquet to her sister, her maid of honor with a Marge Simpson hairdo, as I finished singing and sat down. In the back of my mind, I recall hearing a sound quite like the theme from Jaws as the maid of honor stepped back, then took another.

Lurking behind her was a thirteen-candle candelabra with flames dancing to the occasion. The bride motioned for her sister to step back further as this was her moment. Warning alarms went off in my head, she's too close. I wanted to scream, "Stop!"

The maid of honor complied with the bride's leered command and took one more step backward. Her almost profane mop of hair came into contact with a flame. In a flash, her hair went poof and flames shot into the hair like a magicians disappearing trick. A woman's voice from the audience yelled, "Her hair's on fire!" A groomsman rushed over and slapped the fire out sending the vapors of burnt hair like a secondary explosion for all to inhale. Almost bald, with a smoky black and scorched scalp, the maid of honor cried and turned to the audience with a remnant of hair that bordered her forehead like a hooded Eskimo parka.

As I was only ten feet away, there was no sympathy from the bride as she jerked the bouquet from her sister's hands and expelled the maid of honor from the service. With no serious injury beyond their pride, I demonstrated great restraint as laughter rumbled within my core. It's a shame there was not a videographer present. Some weddings are better than Broadway.

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The Tumble

The church altar stood above nine of the steepest steps I had ever seen in a sanctuary. Safety ropes should have been mandated by OSHA with helmets for the participants. My role as singer had been completed and the vows of the bride and groom had commenced.

The wedding party had been placed fanning up the steps creating a V across the altar. The maid of honor, known to be single, stood at the top step to the left and behind the bride.

The ethereal moment was interrupted when the maid of honor tumbled backward, flipped a full somersault down the mountainous steps, and landed on her back in the center aisle straddle-legged.

An off-duty EMT and others rushed to her side while the wedding was paused. Miraculously uninjured she regained consciousness and the EMT stood up and announced to everyone, "She's okay, she's just pregnant." Some people just can't keep a secret.

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Ditch the Rice

The wedding ceremony had gone off without a hitch, the reception was complete, and the crowd gathered to send the bride and groom off for their honeymoon. Cute bags of rice bound by ribbons were distributed and the gauntlet was ready along the two-tiered sidewalk.

The couple came running from the doorway and headed toward the limousine that awaited. Quicker than a speeding bullet the couple sprinted past the onslaught to the drop off of the sidewalk. The bride's heels hit the loose grains of rice scattered across the concrete and her feet shot into the air. After being airborne for what seemed seconds, she crashed on her side.

The unfortunate couple spent their first hours of married life in an emergency room with a concussion and a fractured arm. Always remember, rice and heels are bad.

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The Prize Fight

Three songs and a perfect wedding later the newly married couple enjoyed the celebratory reception with their friends and family.

I stepped outside where the crowd gathered for the grand sendoff. Word came down that the couple was ready when a stretch limousine arrived.

The driver jumped from the car, pulled a bottle of champagne and two glasses from a cooler, and set them on the trunk. The ultra-conservative wedding official, also the Sr. Minister at the church stepped forward and objected to alcohol being on the church premises.

Undeterred, the driver declared it was none of the minister's business and that the couple had ordered the champagne. A tug-a-war ensued when both seized the bottle at the same time.

Victorious, the minister smashed the bottle on the parking lot pavement, and the enraged limo driver struck the pastor in the chin. Rumbling, tumbling, rolling, punching, and I swear I saw biting, they fought until four men pulled them apart. Both were quite spirited about the spirit.

I have always wondered if this was an omen for the future of this young couple. Oh, to have today's ability to video back then. I could have easily won America's Funniest Videos.

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Do you have a humorous Wedding story? Please share it in the comments below. As Reader's Digest always proclaimed, Laughter is good medicine.