Up to 5 Million Doomsday Preppers Suddenly Disappear

Bunkers across the Country Empty, Gun and Gas Mask Sellers Predict Catastrophe

In a mysterious occurrence like nothing the world has ever seen up to five million people, all part of the so called ‘preppers’ movement, have suddenly disappeared, leaving nothing but their neatly folded clothing behind. Many non-preppers who were left behind were suggesting that the Biblical end time known as the rapture had come. Local pastor Tim Stephens said in an interview “There can be no doubt that the rapture has indeed come though it has taken a form few had predicted. Instead of taking all the holy and believers in God up to heaven and leaving behind the sinful to fight to the death in a hellish afterscape where only the strongest and most well prepared would survive, it took all of the people who were the most well prepared to survive that nightmare world of death and destruction. What will become of those like us who were left behind now that the preppers are gone? I surely can’t say?” As of 1pm EST the day after the so called prepper rapture the world had declared an end to all wars for all time and began preparing for a utopian future without discord or strife.

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Gamer Who Dominated Post Apocalyptic MMORPGs Utterly Crushed by Actual Post Apocalyptic World

Long time post apocalyptic MMORPG gamer Ted Stephens was utterly crushed by the post apocalyptic world he found himself in shortly after a surprise thermonuclear war erupted between the United States and Russia, dying in just under 37 minutes after a beam supporting the roof of the basement where he spent most of his days and nights playing post apocalyptic MMORPGs collapsed. Ted’s skull was split open by the large steel beam killing him instantly and ending his first ever foray into an actual post apocalyptic world in near record time. His fast and brutal death in the actual post apocalypse stood in stark contrast to his utter domination of post apocalyptic MMORPGs including Tom Clancy’s The Division, where the player’s goal is to survive in the after-pandemic world, Fallout 76, an online sequel of the famous nuclear-themed game, and Secret World Legends. The creators of those MMORPG’s could not be reached for comment as they were currently in pitched battles with radiation scarred cannibals for control of the worlds rapidly dwindling supply of clean water.

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Last Remaining Transhumanist Swears the Singularity is Still Gonna Happen

The worlds last remaining transhumanist reported today that the singularity is still just around the corner and will be here before you know it. Ted Stephens, speaking from his parents basement, made the following statement describing his belief in no uncertain terms. “People called us crazy five years ago when we began sharing the news that the singularity was coming with the non woke people of the world. They said a utopian future fueled by runaway computer growth featuring ultra intelligent machines catering to our every wish, allowing us to live in work free luxury while they do all the work of maintaining our world and civilization, was nuts. That saying man and machine would bond to form a new third species that transcends the limitations of both, sounded like the ramblings of a madman. Well, who’s crazy now, I ask them, who’s crazy now? The singularity is coming. This week for sure, or next, possibly next month, likely this year, almost certainly in the next five years, no doubt about it this decade, can’t miss absolutely certain this century, you’ll see, you’ll all see.” He then cackled strangely, turned, and slowly walked away. Reached for comment the rest of the world replied “the singu what now? Was that the thing where all the drones were going to be delivering our packages and filling the skies in a cloud so thick it blocks out the sun? or the thing with the cars that drive themselves? and aren’t computers already ultra-intelligent, I mean machines are learning left and right out there and they have beaten us at a bunch of games, including some humans consider very hard. A non intelligent computer could never do that. That dude is a weirdo.”