How to be a Writer

If you're reading this, it might be too late for you. Turn back now, or forever hold your peace, because today I'll be going over the 5 easy steps you must take in order to become a writer, and surely, that's not something you want to do. You've been warned!

Step 1 - Be a Masochist

That's right. If you're not a fan of pain and humiliation, this may not be the hobby or career for you. You will develop a hunchback from the many hours you've spent grinding over a keyboard or piece of paper, writing down words that nobody will ever read, and you better like it. Wear that kink in your neck as a sign of pride because it's the only form of payment you will be getting for your efforts.

Step 2 - Be Delusional

No person in their right mind would ever pursue such an endeavor, so if you've gotten to this step, congratulations! You might just have the perfect amount of unrealistic expectations needed to be good at being bad at something. I hope you enjoy fantasizing about interviewing for your best-selling novel as much as I do because that's the closest you're ever going to get to talking to Jimmy Fallon!

Step 3 - Get an English Degree

If you're really dedicated to your craft, you need to sell your soul for 6 figures of debt that will eventually grant you a piece of paper that will leave you with no job prospects. It's the greatest combination of both step 1 and step 2. The delusion and masochism intertwine themselves into the perfect cocktail* to push you into actually making it a full four years of studying Chaucer and Shakespeare.

*You might just need alcohol to get through it, but don't worry, developing some sort of vice through your journey is a bonus!

Step 4 - Get Really Good at Being Poor

Like, really good at it. You better be learning how to make coffee at home, like right now. See a couch on the side of the street? Grab it, because that might be the only place you'll have to sleep in a couple of months! What? You were expecting to make money from this? Do I need to refer to step 1? Don't worry, being a starving artist is totally hip and cool. Maybe one day, after you're dead and gone, people will remember you as the mysterious, brooding, creative genius that you are! Probably not, but you wouldn't know anyway cause you'll be dead.

Step 5 - Learn How to Lie

Lying is the name of the game, baby. If someone asks you how your book is going? Really good, great actually, thanks for asking! If someone asks you about your career and how much money you make? Oh yeah, it's great. I'm ahead on my bills and my savings account is massive! This writing thing is a cakewalk; a dream come true! If someone asks you what you're writing about? It's this really complex analysis of American consumerism and climate change (it's a silly little narrative about cats in hammocks). Lie, lie, lie, just like you do in your stories. But most importantly, lie to yourself. "Yeah, I'm basically Stephen King mixed with J.D. Salinger, no biggie."

And there you have it. That's it. 5 easy steps are all it takes. Do you have what it takes to be a writer?

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If you've gotten this far, and it wasn't obvious already, this is satire. Don't actually follow my instructions (though they might just work).

We don't write for money. We don't write for fame. We don't write for notoriety. We write because we are writers. We write because it makes us happy; fulfills us in some way, shape, or form. Don't let anybody tell you what it means to be a writer because being a writer comes from within. It's a self-defining label that anybody can take on. Degree or not. Notoriety or not. Money or not. It doesn't matter. Write because your heart desires it. Write because it fuels your love of humanity. Write because it makes you feel alive.