Explosive 💥 Diarrhea at Taco Bell 🌮 🔔~⌁↠ A Love Story

How many of you eat at Taco Bell?

🙋🏻‍♂️

I've eaten at Taco Bell my entire life. I'm 65. That's a lot of tacos, and burritos, and nachos, and shit.
For context... 👇

I know I've had more Taco Bell than any other fast food. Easily.

I celebrated when they released Fire sauce, so I could kick it up from Hot. And when they released Diablo sauce, I used about 67 packets of it to draw a pentagram in my backyard, then howled in a sweaty heat haze at the moon.

Looking back, I see that as a pivotal moment in my life.

Taco Bell has been instrumental in my physical, emotional, and spiritual development.

I remember all their greatest promotions. Like...

I consider myself to be something of a Taco Bell expert.

I never met the Taco Bell mascot, but I still considered him a friend. He taught me everything I know about Spanish.

⚡😁👍

So anyway...

How many of you know about the horrible shit that's recently being blamed on Taco Bell?

🙋🏻‍♂️

If you don't know, you must be one of those McDonalds people and you can go away right now. 🫵🏻

Currently (?) available at Taco Bell is a little something called
Cyclopsara cayetanensis.

When I first heard that ☝️name, I was certain it was, like, the formal name of some character from that Odyssey movie.

But no. It's even uglier than that. It's a parasite that gives people "explosive diarrhea."

Crazy, right?

When I did a Google search about it, I initially thought I was pulling up examples of this cyclopean calamity worldwide. But then I looked more closely and realized it was just worldwide coverage of the shit going on here in the US.

Taco Bell is in deep shit. 💩

As soon as this outbreak happened, shit started hitting the fan.

All the memes started spewing forth from cyberspace. 👇

There are more memes exactly like those☝️... but you get the idea.

Still other 🌮🔔 memes range from borderline (??) disturbing to brutally honest. 👇

One of my personal favorites.... 👇

Take a look at all those memes. ☝️

You want to know the crazy part?

None of those memes have the word "explosive" in them. That's right, kids. They were all made before this E.D. outbreak!

So now I'm obligated to inform you the memes get even more rancid going forward. If you have a sensitive stomach or a fearful ass, I'd suggest you DON'T read any farther.

If you do read further, I cannot and will not be held responsible for any trauma you suffer... or any keyboards you puke upon.

What I'm talking about is shit like this. 🤢👇

'Officials' eventually determined this parasite came from contaminated lettuce.

When they traced the lettuce back to its source, turns out it came from a place called Taylor Farms.

Well...
︵‿〰҉⌁ as Destiny would have it⌁...

I know someone who has a relationship with a person who works at Taylor Farms. And my informant talked to her informant to give me the inside scoop about what's happening on these farms.

First of all, the mainstream media says all this traces back to Mexico. Well, as it turns out, Taylor Farms are here in the US too. My informant's informant actually works on a farm in Arkansas.

The mainstream media is also focused solely on the lettuce being produced. Much to my surprise, I learned through this grape line that Tayler Farms also grows respectable vegetables like cabbage, beans, tomatoes, watermelons, and yes, even grapes.

Although I'm still investigating why they don't call themselves Taylor Vineyards.

🤷🏻‍♂️

I can not-so-honestly report that some Taylor Farms workers are feeling persecuted by all this bad publicity. It's a hard enough job as it is, without having to deal with all the criticism.

But other employees really don't give a shit, accurately pointing out that most customers are blaming Taco Bell.

I am not-especially-sad to inform you that there a growing rift within the lettuce industry.

But all that turmoil at Taylor Farms ain't shit compared to the shit going on at Taco Bell!

Mid-level management at 🌮🔔 are scared shitless.

Upper management is trying to lure David Letterman out of retirement to help out like he did Back In the Day but he understandably doesn't give a shit. He's already done his time.

Simpler times. 👆

The first cases of this parasite were identified in June. Since then, nearly 23,000 cases have been identified across 47 states.

That's a lot of shit! I will not ask Google to calculate how much feces 23,000 people can produce!

When this outbreak first happened, the hardest hit states were Michigan, Illinois, Ohio, and Indiana.

I live in Indiana.

In the city where I live, Taco Bell is one of the few restaurants that remains open late.

I can't drive (I'm epileptic) and my former boyfriend/now housemate (long story) often brings me food home when he gets off work between 9-10 pm.

I eat Taco Bell all the time, even when I'm occasionally tired of it (yeah, believe it or not, all you young Taco Bell addicts, it can happen after roughly 50 years of Taco Bell consumption.)

This man often calls me to ask what I want while he's sitting in the Taco Bell drive-through line.

One night in late June he told me,

"They brought enchiritos back."

I was like, "WHAT?!?!?"

He wasn't fucking with me.

I was thrilled.

Enchiritos are a cheap quasi-Mexican dumb-down of an enchilada!

That night, I ate like an old white poverty-stricken American king!

Then the next night, he comes home and tells me that enchiritos were ONLY A DOLLAR!!!!

😮😮😮🤯🤯🤯🤯

Yeah. You read that right.

One buck.

I was shocked.⚡<pun always intended.>

He brought me home two enchiritos. We're really poor. Like, 'I can't even afford to pay attention' poor.

I told my ex/not ex that he should have bought me four because I would have put two in the frig for the next day's breakfast.

Another opportunity lost. 😢😢😭

All because of poor communication.

Story of our relationship. <sigh>

So anyway, the next day, I saw more horrible news on TV/online and realized what Taco Bell was up to!

That first week after the outbreak, they saw a 31% drop in weekly revenue!

Over the next few weeks, the financial impact to Taco Bell's parent company was

$4.3 BILLION!!!

People were terrified. Nothing scares Americans like explosive diarrhea.

Is it that way in other countries or are you more frightened of our moronic President-- which would make sense.

I realized Taco Bell was trying everything to lure customers back to the border.

I be like, "Taco Bell: you so sly!"

As I mentioned, I started out eating tacos back in the 70s, when Taco Bell was largely about tacos (hence the name). Over the years, I gravitated more toward their expanding menu of burritos.

I stopped eating their products with lettuce long ago.

Then one night, I got The Call. I was told there were no longer $1 enchiritos.

BUT... there were now $1 Mexican pizzas!

I'm like, 'Hell, yeah. I'll eat anything from Taco Bell that costs only a $1!'

I ate Mexican pizzas the next couple nights like an old white poverty-stricken American king.

Once they stopped offering one dollar items, I went back to getting enchiritos consistently.

I was no longer saving money daily, but I was happier to be alive.

Meanwhile, in our sad National News, the diarrhea outbreak was getting worse.

So then...

What happened one happy night when I got the Call?

!!!!! CHILI CHEESY NACHO FRIES WERE BACK!!!!

Oh My God, I felt like setting off fireworks, prank-calling McDonalds, and dancing naked in the streets!

⁂҉ It was glorious! ⋱⁂҉

Many nights since then, I have gone to sleep wearing a shit-eating grin.

And that brings us to where we are today.

___THE TAKEAWAY

If you ate at Taco Bell before this outbreak and then stopped, you did the right thing!

You don't want your ass to explode!

So STAY AWAY FROM TACO BELL!

Explosive diarrhea is real and it's here to stay. I have it on good authority from my secret informant's secret informant that some believe there is a secret Chinese cabal who plans to contaminate Taco Bell tomatoes next.

It's probably a bullshit conspiracy theory but do you really want to take that chance?

Let me get real about this....

The more people who stop eating at Taco Bell the more likely Taco Bell is to keep bringing back old menu items that I love!

I can easily live without lettuce.

Do I look like a rabbit to you?

One of my fondest dreams is to see the return of the meximelt. 🥹 The permanent return of the meximelt.

And I can feel it on the wind.

Times are changing.

Meximelts are just over the horizon.

I know it.

I can feel it.

I dare to dream.

🤞🥺⚡

~҉-҉↯҉-҉~

_________________Bolt⚡

If you know anything about me, you know Taco Bell turns up in a lot of my stories, and not just the stories about Taco Bell. Here's a list, in case you're still hungry.

______Taco Bell in Humor, Geeks, and Poetry

A shocking story from 4 years ago...

Top Story ⤵️

Top Story ⬇️

Taco Bell in my Fiction & Horror Stories

When Love Feels Right, Why Ask Why? - runner-up in the Rituals of Affection challenge.

Another Typical Day in the Neighborhood - runner-up in the Everyone is Acting Normally challenge.

A mere mention of Taco Bell in this story I'm especially proud of: Key to the Past- winner in The Shape of the Thing challenge.

And this⬇️ is my winner in the Out of the Dream challenge: Şnakes in the Glass.

_________Taco Bell in Futurism

I saved what I consider to be my ultimate Taco Bell achievement for last. I received an Honorable Mention for this in the Tomorrow's Utopia challenge.

May I present to you...

THE TACO BELL OF TOMORROW!!!
🌮🔔

__________________THE END________

〰⌁↯ This shitty story is tagged as Family, because, you know... Taco Bell is.⌁↯