Castle Chronicles V

MILITARY: WAR DECLARED!!

As our illustrious realm has been repeatedly attacked by the heathen realm calling themselves "Immortals," our magnificent regent has seen fit to declare a state of war. War Chief Alistar was quoted as saying, "As unsinkable ships sink, so too do Immortals die!" Cpt. Strongarm of the royal guard has sent forth a call for volunteers to join in a concerted attack on these our dastardly foes. Lord Dakkarious, royal gardener and artificer of atomic dung bombs, has sent forth a call for extra sheep bladders and wool necessary for the fabrication of bomb casings. Meanwhile, Lord Tolke's kraken, Spike, is said to be creating copious amounts of the main ingredient necessary for the synthesization of dung/fertilizer bombs.

War Chief Alistar and our esteemed council of peers of the realm have held a referendum in reference to a plan of attack on our foes the Immortals. Said attack shall be include sopwith dragon attacks concentrating on fertilizer bombs to be dropped from on high. NOTE: All Sopwith Dragon Riders please see the royal chemist for updated gas masks. Cpt. Strongarm notes that a sopwith dragon rider without good gasmask filters may easily swoon in saddle when overcome by the stench.

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WAGON TRAINS DIVE-BOMBED:

A supply train headed from Lady Vesria's estate to deliver war supplies to the regent's castle was given quite a start today. When a large winged figure dive bombed the wagons the order was given to "circle the wagons." It turned out that the apparent attacker was none other than our own faithful kraken Spike out on a reconnaissance mission. Unfortunately, it turns out that circling the wagons underneath a kraken with Irritable Bowel Syndrome (IBS) is perhaps not the smartest move. The royal laundress says that the wagon covers will need to be replaced as she refuses to attempt to clean them. Lady Vesrias, commander of the wagons, was quoted as saying, "This is quite a crappy situation." Lord Tolke, Spike's handler, claims this was avoidable. One should not tickle the underbelly of a nervous kraken in flight.

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LITERARY SECTION:

Fertilizer Woes - A Poetic Rendering

It has been declared by royal decree

A new fertilizer our realm doth need

Royal veggies to grow plump and sweet

Hence royal gardener move thine feet

Working late and looking harried

Ingredients tested many and varied

Kraken poo and mulberry wine

Tunnel moss ground so fine

Some few explosions didst rip our lab

Blood and goop our chambermaids to dab

Ignoring the point of our regent's knife

Our royal swears upon her life

Not a single health hazard shall befall thee

Shouldst thou take sustenance of vine or tree

So mind thou not the smell of thine beans

Plug thine nose and make not scenes

Odiferously our garden grows strong and tall

Throughout summer and into fall

All is just fine and dandy

Our stinky beans do taste like candy

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CRIME / INVESTIGATION:

In reference to Lord Stubby's questionable manhood the deputy war chief was quick to point out that, like any guy, he occasionally falls prey to fits of excessive stupidity. This was confirmed by Regent Bourbs who referred to Stubby as "A rabid dog on a short leash, and, thus, the perfect deputy war chief.

TUNNEL OF LOVE TERRORIST ATTACK INVESTIGATION CONTINUES:

Lord Androlian, court jester, has been called in for questioning in reference to last weeks terrorist bombing of the tunnel of love on Vice Regent Tolke's estate. It was noted that Tolke had been dallying in said tunnel with Lady Emcat, the jester's wife. Cpt. Strongarm of the royal guard notes that all evidence is purely circumstancial and Lord Androlian is merely a 'fool of interest.' Repairs proceed slowly due to ongoing threats.

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HEALTH / HYGIENE: DR. ARDYTHE VAN PELT

For those members of the royal court with a propensity for over indulgence on feast nights ... You Know Who You Are! ... the royal chambermaid / laundress requests you attempt to avoid 'sleeping in your own vomit.' Also, repeated drunken attempts to obtain shrooms from the privy vator will be dealt with harshly as the laundress will, "shove the soiled articles where the sun doth not shine."

HYGIENIC SIDE NOTE: Will someone please tell Lord Androlian to change out his dung ridden bell peppers ... His jester hat is set to clear the royal halls due to it's rancidness.

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https://vocal.media/fiction/castle-chicanery

https://vocal.media/humor/castle-chicanery-ii

https://vocal.media/humor/castle-chronicles-iii

https://vocal.media/humor/castle-chronicles-iv