Captain Ahab Decides Not to Order Whaler Sandwich at Burger King Drive Thru

Captain Ahab, arch nemesis of the famed white whale Moby Dick, decided against ordering a Whaler sandwich for lunch at the Burger King drive-thru in the town of Cape Cod, Massachusetts this past Saturday. The massive white sperm whale known as Moby Dick had previously bitten off one of Ahab's legs from the knee down and left him with a prosthesis fashioned from a whale's jawbone. It was this event that ultimately triggered his maniacal quest for revenge and left him ravenously hungry for some Burger King. The captain of the whaling ship Pequod, described as "a grand ungodly, God like man, who nevertheless has his humanities" told a local reporter he had decided against ordering a BK Whaler sandwich because it reminded him too much of his old enemy Moby Dick and was just too on the nose given his background and reputation. Elaborating on his decision Captain Ahab continued "Now, if Ishmael were with me I might have still ordered the Whaler, but instead I opted for my old stand-by, the can't miss classic, a BK Whopper. I love that special sauce. It's appearance reminds me of the buckets of spermaceti produced in the head cavities of whales which we would drain and sell for a tidy profit after killing and beheading the mighty beasts. Eating that Whopper also reminded me of my old friend the tattooed cannibal Polynesian Queequeg, a harpooneer whose father was king of the island of Rokovoko. Queequeg would never eat a Whopper of course, since it is fully cooked and the meat of an animal. He would only eat the raw meat of fellow humans, being a cannibal and all. Pretty sick if you ask me, but I'm not one to judge. If Ishmael were here I am sure he would go on and on and on about cetology (the zoological classification and natural history of the whale) while simultaneously shoveling handfuls of crispy BK onion rings in his mouth. He knew a lot about the zoology of whales but his table manner left a lot to be desired. Ah well, as my chief mate Starbuck used to say, you are a better person than I am because if I found out that you're a Cylon I'd put a bullet between your eyes. That Starbuck was a cocky SOB all right, but never was there a more accomplished snubfighter pilot in all the galaxy. Boy that sure brings back memories. My old second mate Stubb from Cape Cod. And who could forget good old Daggoo, my harpooneer and tall African stereotype from Nantucket. It feels like it was only yesterday I first met them all on the quarterdeck of the Pequod, announcing my quest for revenge and making my promise to give a doubloon to the first man to sight Moby Dick. I almost cut Ishmael down then and there when he objected saying he had joined me crew for profit not vengeance, but when I nailed that doubloon to the mast I knew we were in for a long, boring voyage filled with mat weaving, shadowy figures, symbolism, allusions and metaphors as far as the sea is wide. I still do not know how I knew it, but at that very moment I knew with all my heart that our voyage would become a classic of American renaissance literature. And that tales of the mighty Pequod and her crew and the quest for Moby Dick would bore the shit out of generations of high school and college kids forced to read about my adventures on the high seas. Well if they get too bored they can always head to BK for some high quality grub. Just don't order a Whaler, those things are nasty."