Boomers In Paradise LLC

Boomers In Paradise LLC presented to Vocal Medias “Pitch Your Pilot” Challenge.

by J.S. Wade

Synopsis

Seven single retirees live in a boarding house manor located in a historic neighborhood in St. Augustine, Fla. The Landlady, Selma Landry, a native of St. Augustine, had lived in the carriage house behind the Manor and is a character in the show. A fine line between Viv’s dementia and Selma’s ghost is navigated throughout the show.

Once a playwright, Selma had a play Off-Broadway canceled because she rejected the advances of a paramour, a theatre critic for the New York Times. She returned to her parent's home in St. Augustine, the Manor. Her granddaughter, a southern belle from Atlanta, Ga. has agreed to sell the boarding house to the tenants as a co-op with the caveat that no one ever enters the Carriage house.

Each resident is representative of the seven personality types. Viv, the planner. Sadie, the explorer. Dominique, the sage. Joseph, the hero. Frankie, a collaborator. Claudette, an innovator, and Josie, the outlaw. Bringing their varied geographic and cultural backgrounds, and personalities into daily proximity creates tension, conflict, and humor where they must figure out how to coexist.

Without a family that cares about their well-being, they create their own. Each episode has a Broadway title as its theme.

The Pilot episode is titled "Cats" and brings the characters, like homeless alley cats, into crisis when Selma, the Landlady dies. Will the boarding house residents be ditched? From the realities of senior adult bathroom humor, bad breath, and improper English, where a condom and erasure can be confused, to bonding together into a new quasi-family structure and solving a mysterious theft, Boomers In Paradise LLC's pilot is good for a laugh that reaches across continents.

CAST

Viv – Vivian Leigh Rock, 68, a widow from Chicago, Ill. moved to St. Augustine when it was discovered upon her husband’s death that he was almost broke. A small trust managed by her attorney allows her to manage finances. She is snarky, continues to think she is of Country Club society, and thinks most Southerners are idiots. She relocated to St. Augustine to escape the embarrassment of her financial plight amongst her peers. She is a planner and attempts to steer everyone to her way of thinking with her directness. Viv is vain, prim, and proper, and always dresses well when among her fellow residents. She has one son who lives in Canada.

Sadie – 55, Sadie Lee Cantrell, is a supercharged explorer, fitness addict and foodie from California. Of moderate means, she has traveled the world and speaks of a lost mystery lover often. The illusive Professor of Milan had promised he would come to her when he retired. She is opinionated and critical of others' diets and slothfulness. The opposite of Viv in dress, she wears yoga pants, biker shorts, tanks, and wind suits. She has never married and has no children.

Dom – 71, Dominique San Diego Perez, a retired attorney. He has been working on a historical novel for three decades. A first-generation Spanish American and activist who believes St. Augustine is legally still a Spanish dominion. He views Frankie as the enemy of his forefathers. He is almost always wearing a suit and tie. He has a smooth Spanish-Anglo accent. He is widowed and has one son in Miami who is opposed to his activist and political views.

Joe– 75, Joseph Bartoli is an Army veteran and retired New York City police officer. A descendant of a notorious Sicilian crime family. He is very superstitious with a devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. He is a man of the streets, suave and flirtatious. It is discovered that his Ex Army-buddies nicknamed him Rooster. His only family is a brother in NYC he hasn’t seen in ten years.

Frankie- 74, Frank Ellington is a widower, British ex-pat, and gay. A former museum curator, who came to St. Augustine when he married a Floridian. His ex’s children disassociated from him when his partner died leaving him stranded without a home. He is the diplomat in the house but can be snarky when needed. He has a lyrical British accent.

Claudette- 50, Claudette Townsend, an African-American Seminole native of Florida. She is the maid and cooks for the house in exchange for room and board. She grew up in a trailer park and is crude and terse. She is a do-it-yourself survivor. When she speaks it is direct and cutting. Married twice and a victim of abuse, she has no family.

Josie – Josie Jones, the outlaw, at least that’s the name she goes by today. Paranoid of her past and always looking over her shoulder. Overconfident, she’s not afraid to bend the rules or the law. Her past is a mystery, and her housemates are convinced that she’s hiding from the law or something worse. Josie is flirtatious and knows how to manipulate men. Her family status is unknown.

Selma – Selma Landry – Ghost, former playwright, deceased landlord, who gives wisdom to Viv at opportune times. It is not clear if her appearances are literal or the early stages of Viv’s dementia. A native of St. Augustine who returned home after a failed stint as a New York City playwright. She has one surviving granddaughter in Atlanta, Ga.

***

“Cats”

(Boomers In Paradise LLC pilot script)

By

J.S. Wade

_____________

Cold open –

(Viv, Newspaper boy)

Setting: View from inside Viv’s front room window in the manor house.

The first light of dawn is emerging above the streetlights illuminating the street. Present day.

A street sweeper truck passes by the house and Viv, awakened, comes to the window and pulls the sheer curtains back.

A newspaper boy, on a bicycle, approaches from two houses down. He’s tossing papers onto porches as he travels. He tosses a paper onto the Manor porch.

A dark shadow is cast on the sidewalk in front of the step and is gone in a flash.

Viv pulls on her robe, walks into the living room, opens the front, and searches the porch for the paper but it is missing.

Viv stands on the top step looking up and down the street.

VIV

What the hell? Where’s the paper? Am I back in Chicago?

Fade to black

***

Act One

Scene 1

(Viv, Claudette, Sadie, Frankie, Dominique, Josie, Joe)

Viv is seated at the head of the dining room table that seats twelve.

Enter Claudette

CLAUDETTE

Do you want coffee this morning?

VIV

You’ve asked the same question for three years and you know the answer. Why?

CLAUDETTE

I keep hoping you’ll spare me the task of making something that smells like poop to start my day. Not to mention your breath.

VIV

My breath is always fresh and clean.

CLAUDETTE

I’m sure the dog next door thinks the same thing after he licks his butt, but it doesn’t change the truth.

Enter Sadie who sits at the table beside Viv.

SADIE

Who’s licking whose butt? Are there more rumors about Joe I’ve missed?

CLAUDETTE

Coffee, Sadie?

SADIE

No thanks, caffeine will take ten years off my life, causes wrinkles, and makes my breath smell like a cat litter box.

VIV

My breath doesn’t smell.

Claudette and Sadie look at each other, Viv holds her hand to her mouth checking her breath.

CLAUDETTE

Nope, I’m sure. The same way we don’t need candles in the bathroom.

Enter Frankie with a black eye and sits at the table. Claudette moves in and out of the kitchen.

FRANKIE

Top of the morning to you all. It wasn’t me this time, I’ve been constipated for three days now. If you’re rationing paper again I’m ahead of the game.

SADIE

What happened to your eye?

FRANKIE

The office supply store clerk.

VIV

How?

FRANKIE

I asked the clerk if she could assist me in finding a rubber. How was I to know the American butchery of the King’s English would leave me assaulted?

SADIE

That was rude of you.

VIV

In England, it’s an erasure, Sadie.

Enter Dom who sits at the table across from Frankie.

DOM

Buenos Dias Senora's and Conquistadors. Paper? Where is the newspaper? I want to check the score of Madrid to read they erased Chelsea unless the Brits cheated again.

Dom leans and looks into Frankie's face.

DOM

You were caught cheating I see. Like when the British stole our precious Spanish Florida.

FRANKIE

Who cares Dom? Quit living in the past.

VIV

We don’t have a newspaper. Someone stole it this morning.

Enter Josey who sits beside Frankie.

JOSEY

Stole? Why is everyone looking at me? I have an alibi.

Enter Joe who sits at the foot of the table.

Joe

They say the guilty will holler. What’s the crime? What did you do Josey?

Viv

Someone stole our newspaper off the porch this morning. I saw the paper boy toss it. By the time I got to the porch, it was gone. By the way, Joe, where have you been? Aren’t those the same clothes you had on last night?

Joe sips his coffee and doesn’t respond.

Viv

Well, I’m going to catch whoever it is. Not having a paper, stinks to high heaven.

Enter Claudette.

CLAUDETTE

Like bad coffee breath.

The Phone rings in the living room as boarders chat. Claudette goes to answer and returns. Visibly upset.

VIV

Who was it? (Pause) Claudette, are you okay? What is it?

CLAUDETTE

That was Miss Selma’s granddaughter who she was visiting in Atlanta. She didn’t wake up this morning. Miss Selma is dead.

Fade to black out.

Act 2

Scene 1

(Viv, Claudette, Sadie, Frankie, Dominique, Josie, Joe)

Setting: Living room of the Manor

All are sitting, dressed in fine clothes having just returned from Selma’s funeral, except Dom.

VIV

The service was beautiful except the Priest kept calling her Thelma.

CLAUDETTE

You can hardly blame him; Selma hasn’t darkened the doors of the church in years. We haven’t even seen a newspaper to read the obits. Maybe his paper was stolen too.

VIV

Why do families do that?

FRANKIE

Do what?

VIV

Write wonderful things for the obit and expect a total stranger to say good things about you when you die.

FRANKIE

What do you think they will say about you?

VIV

They will say that I was graceful, beautiful, kind, and well-loved.

FRANKIE

Are you sure about that? You might want to start attending church now and making payments.

VIV

Shut up, Frankie. You suck.

FRANKIE

See? I’d start the payments now.

Dom enters through the front door and stands in the center of the room.

DOM

Okay everyone, listen up, I just met with Selma’s lawyer and her granddaughter.

JOE

They are booting us out?

JOSIE

Yea, how much time do we have?

CLAUDETTE

I don’t know where I’m going to go.

JOE

You can shack up with me Claudette.

CLAUDETTE

That’s a pass, Joe. The distance from the kitchen to your room is already too close. By the way, did you ever find that pair of dirty socks? Your room smells like a dog kennel.

DOM

That’s enough everyone. They aren’t kicking us out. We have three months and…

SADIE

Then they kick us out? I hope my professor from Milan gets here in time.

Cast looks away, rolls their eyes, and puts their hands up in response.

JOE

Sadie, he isn’t coming. How long has it been? Ten years? You can shack up with me.

Sadie juts her chin out, defiant.

SADIE

That’s a hard pass, Joe. I’d sleep in the streets first. Who knows what germs are infesting your body?

JOE

I’m offended, Sadie. I finished the last round of antibiotics yesterday.

DOM

Enough everyone. We have three months to purchase the Manor. The only exception is Selma’s Carriage house must remain intact and we promise never to enter it.

VIV

How are we going to buy the Manor? If I could have bought a house I wouldn’t be stuck here with all of you misfits.

FRANKIE

You think you’re the one stuck? Look in the mirror Viv.

DOM

I’ve been running some figures in my head and though not one of us is positioned to purchase the manor alone. We could if we formed a co-op and pooled our resources. I think we could pull it off.

VIV

So, if the six of us agreed to this, do you think it will work?

CLAUDETTE

Six?

Fades to black.

Scene 2

(Viv, Selma, Joe)

Setting: Back porch of the Manor, Middle of the night.

Viv is sitting on the back porch with a direct view of the Carriage house. Night sounds.

VIV

Selma, why did you have to go now? I’ve found a place here where I feel safe away from the vicious rumors and vile gossip in Chicago. I don’t want to move again. Where would I go? If we are approved for the co-op what do we do about Claudette? She has no income now.

A bright light expands in the window of Selma’s house. An apparition floats toward Viv and stops before her and smiles.

Selma

Do unto others, Viv.

Selma dances and floats to the carriage house as the song "Memories" from Cats plays and she fades away.

Viv wakes as Joe is shaking her arm.

JOE

Wake up, Viv. The night air is going to give you a chill.

Startled Viv sits up straight and gasps with her hand to her mouth.

JOE

Are you okay, you look like you’ve seen a ghost.

VIV

I just saw…(pause)

JOE

What?

VIV

(hesitant) No, never mind, it was just a dream.

Viv looks at Joe.

VIV

What is up with you Joe? It’s two o’clock in the morning and you’re just now coming home.

JOE

I don’t want to talk about it.

VIV

Now I know why your friends called you Rooster. You’re going to kill yourself.

JOE

Everyone needs to mind their own business.

Joe marches off leaving Viv stunned.

Fade Out

ACT 3

Scene 1

(Viv, Claudette, Sadie, Frankie, Dominique, Josie, Joe)

Setting: Dining Room. Early morning.

All are seated around the dining room table except Claudette. Stacks of legal documents are spread around the table.

DOM

Let’s call this meeting to order.

Claudette, could we have some expresso here?

FRANKIE

And some tea?

JOSIE

I’d like some water, please.

Claudette speaks From the kitchen through the door.

CLAUDETTE

Get your own damn coffee! Who do you think I am?

JOSIE

Geez, it’s just a glass of water. What’s gotten into her the last few weeks?

DOM

Okay, listen up let’s get this done so I can file the paperwork before the end of the day.

Joe's head is slumped over and he begins snoring.

DOM

Joe, wake up. This is important. Your choice to cat around all night isn’t our problem. I’m going to hold up a document, explain it, and then we all sign, Okay? Any questions?

VIV raises her hand.

VIV

I’m not signing.

JOSIE

What? Why not?

FRANKIE

You have to or the co-op won’t work.

SADIE

What is it, Viv?

VIV

I’ve been thinking and the problem with our plan is there are only six members of the cooperative and there should be seven.

DOM

Seven? Are you into perfect numbers or something?

JOE

I didn’t think you were superstitious Viv. By the way, watch out for the black cat that’s been lurking around. It’s seven years of bad luck.

VIV

Shut up, Joe. Go back to sleep. I’m not superstitious, but I saw Selma in a dream last week and she spoke to me. She said, “Do unto others.”

Viv stands and walks around the table.

VIV

All of us here come from different places, with a variety of stories, but we all have one thing in common. None of us has anyone who gives a damn about us. We had nowhere else to go until Selma took us in. Yes, we bicker and argue but you are the closest thing I have had to family in years.

FRANKIE

This is so sweet of you to say, Viv. And I think I speak for everyone else. We love you too. Isn’t that more the reason to sign the papers?

VIV

Shut up, Frankie. This family is not made of six people but seven. Claudette is as much a part of this as all of you. If she’s not included in the co-op, then I’m out.

From the kitchen.

CLAUDETTE

I love you too Viv. Your breath doesn’t really stink.

VIV

Shut up, Claudette. Now Dom, get a rubber from Frankie and fix the papers. Then I will sign.

Fade out

Scene 2

(Sadie, Josie)

Setting: Front porch, the mailman delivers the mail. Sadie rushes to the mailbox and retrieves a letter with international markings. Runs into the Living room where Josie is watching television.

SADIE

Josie, I received a letter from Milan. The love of my life, my professor, wrote me. See, I told you he would come for me.

Sadie sits beside Josie on the couch who mutes the television and smiles.

Sadie rips open the envelope and her face and she cries. Inside the first is another envelope with her return address on it, addressed to her paramour.

JOSIE

What’s wrong, Sadie? What is it?

SADIE

It’s the letter I sent him four weeks ago with a note. He never opened it.

JOSIE

What does the note say?

Sadie hands Josie the note.

SADIE

I can’t read it. Will you?

Josie reads aloud.

JOSIE

Sadie, I married two months ago to a fine Italian woman. Please do not contact me again, Anthony.

Sadie collapses against Josie.

Josie rips the address off of the envelope and stuffs it in her pocket.

JOSIE

I’ve got this. Don’t worry Sadie. Even hell has no place for him to hide.

Fade to black.

Scene 3

(Viv, Claudette, Sadie, Frankie, Dominique, Josie, Joe)

Setting: The Front porch of the Manor. The midmorning sun is shining, and all have champagne glasses in their hand. Dom is on the phone, then hangs up.

DOM

It’s official, the Boomers of Paradise LLC, are now the official owners of this Manor. Congratulations, everyone.

Claudette pops the cork and goes around the porch pouring champagne.

VIV

Hear, Hear. Put the bottle down Claudette and get over here.

DOM

Salud!

FRANKIE

Cheers!

CLAUDETTE

Bottoms up!

JOE

I knew you had a heart, Viv.

Joe moves to hug Viv. She shrugs him off.

VIV

Hands off the merchandise Joe.

A young girl runs onto the porch and tugs on Joe's arm.

GIRL

Mr. Joe, you’ve gotta come quick. Daddy fell out of bed and Mommy can’t get him up.

VIV

Who are you? What are you talking about?

GIRL

My name is Suzie. My dad got hurt and can’t work. He used to be in Mr. Joe’s Army. Mr. Joe has been working his second shift at the security company and helping us at the house.

Viv, Josie, Sadie, Frankie, Dom, and Claudette group hug Joe.

VIV

Why didn’t you tell us, Joe? It’s nice to know you’re not a New York City scumbag after all.

Fade out.

TAG

(Viv, Selma, Claudette)

Setting. Front Porch of the Manor. A street sweeper truck passes by the house just before sunrise

A newspaper boy, on a bicycle, approaches from two houses down. He’s tossing papers onto porches as he travels. He tosses a paper onto the Manor porch.

A dark shadow is cast on the sidewalk in front of the step and is gone in a flash. Viv is standing in the dark corner of the porch.

VIV

I’ve got you now, you bastard.

Viv follows the shadow around the house and down the driveway to see it disappear into the crawl space. She turns on a flashlight and shines it under the house. A black cat with five kittens lay on a bed of newspapers. VIV stares and wipes a tear from her eye. The mother cat meows.

VIV

Hello Momma, you take all the damn papers you want.

Viv stands up and looks down the driveway to the carriage house. A radiant apparition emerges and Selma appears on the Carriage house porch, smiles, and waves. Viv hears “Memories” from Cats playing again and waves back.

A voice from inside the house sounds over the music.

CLAUDETTE

Who forgot to flush the toilet? (Pause) Geez, where are the matches?

Viv, standing in the driveway, puts her hand over her heart and smiles.

Fade Out

The End