Bathe Me Clean

i was once a warped girl

a fallen child

plagued by a sickness

that could not be cured by Him

it was an ailment i could not voice

the inner mechanisms of my holy mind

led astray by a bodily betrayal

haunting my darkest days and nights

tossing and turning to make it all fall silent

to ignore it, to silence my desires

i hated to see them the way i did

nausea gripped my throat when i stared at

the way they blossomed like flowers

before my soulless, treasonous eyes

long legs and smooth, bare skin

i could not look away until it was over

i wanted to scream and cry

to tear my heated cheeks from my face

to rip my beating heart from my chest clean out

i begged Him to make me change

to wrench this soul from my broken body

to bathe me clean

to decimate this body of traitorous evil, of sin

for there is no sin as condemned

as disgusting and demented

as this

even for a child

i was sick

and i knew it

and if the Lord could not save me

then i was damned

for i could never save myself

no person could save me from this Hell

they all knew what i was

a monster, a threat to all we knew

and there was no hiding this shame

my fingers were covered in it

and my face was battered black and blue

by the blows of my own resentment

Lord, bless me with your love

something has to change for me

i wish to love you as a different type of person

i wish for you to gut me from the inside out

to scrape back my flesh from my face

and make me anew in your image

to fix this twistedness about me

my withheld salvation aches in my chest, Lord

this child’s heart

is one of rotted darkness

-

First off — Happy Pride to all my fellow LGBTQ+ Vocal friends! 🏳️‍🌈 The world is suffering right now, but it’s important to remember the strides our societies have made for our community to keep our heads up high and keep fighting for peace and justice everywhere, for everyone.

This was a bit of a personal piece for me centered around religious trauma and guilt from a young age. I might do a few follow up poems as well to showcase where I am now with myself as an openly bisexual woman who no longer indentifies as a Christian. In so many ways I am very lucky — there are so many queer people who have been hurt by the Church or abandonned by their families because of their sexuality, and I am not one of them. But as I’m sure many queer people who belong or have belonged to the Church can relate to, there is a lot of shame. A lot. And you should never feel ashamed for being who you are or loving who you love.