Bathe Me Clean
why we need Pride
i was once a warped girl
a fallen child
plagued by a sickness
that could not be cured by Him
it was an ailment i could not voice
the inner mechanisms of my holy mind
led astray by a bodily betrayal
haunting my darkest days and nights
tossing and turning to make it all fall silent
to ignore it, to silence my desires
i hated to see them the way i did
nausea gripped my throat when i stared at
the way they blossomed like flowers
before my soulless, treasonous eyes
long legs and smooth, bare skin
i could not look away until it was over
i wanted to scream and cry
to tear my heated cheeks from my face
to rip my beating heart from my chest clean out
i begged Him to make me change
to wrench this soul from my broken body
to bathe me clean
to decimate this body of traitorous evil, of sin
for there is no sin as condemned
as disgusting and demented
as this
even for a child
i was sick
and i knew it
and if the Lord could not save me
then i was damned
for i could never save myself
no person could save me from this Hell
they all knew what i was
a monster, a threat to all we knew
and there was no hiding this shame
my fingers were covered in it
and my face was battered black and blue
by the blows of my own resentment
Lord, bless me with your love
something has to change for me
i wish to love you as a different type of person
i wish for you to gut me from the inside out
to scrape back my flesh from my face
and make me anew in your image
to fix this twistedness about me
my withheld salvation aches in my chest, Lord
this child’s heart
is one of rotted darkness
-
First off — Happy Pride to all my fellow LGBTQ+ Vocal friends! 🏳️🌈 The world is suffering right now, but it’s important to remember the strides our societies have made for our community to keep our heads up high and keep fighting for peace and justice everywhere, for everyone.
This was a bit of a personal piece for me centered around religious trauma and guilt from a young age. I might do a few follow up poems as well to showcase where I am now with myself as an openly bisexual woman who no longer indentifies as a Christian. In so many ways I am very lucky — there are so many queer people who have been hurt by the Church or abandonned by their families because of their sexuality, and I am not one of them. But as I’m sure many queer people who belong or have belonged to the Church can relate to, there is a lot of shame. A lot. And you should never feel ashamed for being who you are or loving who you love.
About the Creator
angela hepworth
Hello! I’m Angela and I love writing fiction—sometimes poetry if I’m feeling frisky. I delve into the dark, the sad, the silly, the sexy, and the stupid. Come check me out!
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Comments (21)
Very heartfelt and personal truths here. Freedom is a great feeling. Congrats.
You poured your heart out here and I feel this is a very important piece about religious terror, trauma and subjugation. I really felt this one. Hugs from me! Beautiful piece I hope you are healing ❤️🩹
And congrats for top story!!
So powerful and vulnerable.. gosh this made me ponder on the point of religion and personal freedom.
🌟🌟🌟🌟
A very powerful poem, Angela. I’ve got quite a few scars of my own from the church, they could learn a thing or two from the one they claim to worship. Congrats on a well deserved top story
Back to say congratulations on your Top Story! 🎉💖🎊🎉💖🎊
Lord this child’s heart is one of rotted darkness. Such a beautiful peace.
So much twisted grief and pain in this poem here, really poignant. Really... sour in a way. But also so damn vulnerable. Thank you for sharing this with us. #HAPPYPRIDE Side note: if you're looking for that supportive af Vocal queer breakfast club, we're on Facebook under Queer Vocal Voices. Check it out if you're interested :)
Awww Angela🥺 Emotional yet beautifully executed ❤️ Sending lots of love and hugs!
Always on point Angela ❤️
Powerful and sad....
A nice topic Angela! Liked it.
I was glad of the explanatory note, because you made what you felt sound so awful I feared what it might be - and so now I reflect that for a doctrine to make you feel that what you felt was this awful is a hideous distortion of the notion of love. I'm glad you have learnt not to see yourself through that lens.
I'm so sorry you had to go through that 🥺 I used to believe in religion but not anymore, since 2021. Like it suddenly hit me that it's all man made and it doesn't even make sense. Also, if God is Love, then why is there so much Hate from those who worship God? Your poem was so poignant, intense and emotional. I loved it!
Aw, Angela. There are so many ways that religion is used to make people feel like they are committing a sin and you know, if God is Love, then how can this be so? I'm glad you had support and I'm glad that you are comfortable with who you are. This is a very personal piece and I feel privileged to have read it.
I felt every emotion existing within this impactful poem! Extremely relatable. Great work!
A powerful poem with powerful language.
Great poem, painful, and sad but easy to read and understand.
A raw and revelatory poem, with courage in every line!
Religion can be the root of evil, for sure, hypocrisy embedded, using people and causing shame. 😡