Twelve Things I Can Control

Every year right before my birthday I sit down with a notebook to review what I've accomplished, failed to accomplish, and hope to do in the coming year. I am the consummate planner with a dream board, a journal, a calendar, and a perpetually updated things to do list. This year, however, is different. Five months ago my husband was diagnosed with cancer and everything changed. I quit my "second act" job to stay home and face whatever it is we'd have to face. I froze my plans for publishing the book I had just finished. We are tied to the chemotherapy schedule and tethered to the nearest bathroom due to the effects of chemo. At any time we can be called for a surgery that will take months to recover from, or hear that the tumor is inoperable. A garden variety infection could bring a rapid end, or he might be one of the rare long term survivors living a relatively normal life. In such uncertain times, what can I reasonably plan for this year? There must be something I can control.

I can't sign us up for a cruise. We can't even attempt a short road trip with any confidence. All of our friends and family know that any invitation we accept may be preempted on a dime. I can't hold a job or make any type of business commitment. I have a bigger commitment of the "in sickness and in health" variety, and nothing will stand in the way of being available for a pharmacy run or a trip to the emergency room. I'm the chief cook and bottlewasher extraordinaire, driver, housekeeper, and very unlikely gourmet chef. In all of this I am some bizarre mixture of discontented, steadfast, thankful that my husband is fighting brilliantly with minimal pain, and determined to make the most of the cards we have been dealt.

After much thought, I have come up with 12 things I can still control and plan.

1. I can pay to publicize my book for the Christmas season. I'm certainly not spending anything on travel and recreation, so I can invest a little in myself. I can't commit to a book tour, but I can still be a podcast guest from home.

2. I can work on other types of writing. I can write articles (like this one). I can enter contests, pen some poetry, or even start a new book.

3. I can become a hardcore reader. How many unread books are sitting on my shelves? How many times have a thrown away a magazine I never finished reading? This time I don't have a single excuse not to sink my teeth into every book that strikes my fancy.

4. I can work on my fitness. I can exercise, eat right, stay hydrated, get those gel shots in my knees, keep to my sleep schedule, and maybe dress like I’m not home all the time.

5. I can stay busy doing the things I set out to do, even if most of those things are in and around the house. There is satisfaction in keeping the house neat. There is a sense of accomplishment that goes with a nice meal, a project completed, or tomatoes ripening in the garden. Although, and this is my downfall, games are fun and stress relieving, "busy' is not playing endless online games or Hulu binging entire seasons in a day.

6. I can keep playing chess. For someone else the holy grail of skills might be painting a realistic landscape, learning to play the piano, or becoming fluent in Spanish. I am a chess playing wannabe. I will never be a grandmaster, but with enough practice someday I can be able to go to Central Park in New York and play chess. I don't even have to win. I just want to not be eliminated in the first thirty seconds, seven games in a row. So every day I play one online game and work through the daily puzzles.

7. I can keep us busy on the weekends with social engagements by inviting friends and family to our house. Going out to restaurants or events often presents a challenge, but I can develop a few easy "menus" that I can throw together quickly, or we can order out. Sometimes we do a BYOD, Bring Your Own Dinner. It's very important to stay connected and as normal as possible, even when things aren't really normal.

8. I can enjoy time with my grandchildren. During the school year I often had to avoid the grandkids for fear of them bringing over germs from the classroom to take up residence in our living room. With the nice weather we can spend time outside with much less fear. Movies on the outside TV, s'mores on the fire pit, and their science kit of the month Christmas present make us feel like we're having a regular summer.

9. I can try to keep my husband engaged. He is at his best when he's around people. Often, in my quest to stay busy, I tend to barricade myself in my own world. I can choose to be one of those people he interacts with- play a game of cards, talk about the news, go for a walk around the block, go shopping together, watch the ball game or a movie.

10. I can constantly ask myself, “Am I living my best life for the life I have to live today?” I can control my attitude towards whatever is on my plate on a given day. I had a great experience last week. I had to pick up medication at the pharmacy. When I got there I found out that the shipment didn't come in, so they put in an order at another store about fifteen minutes away. I went to the wrong store. Who knew there were three locations on that one street! Now it was lunchtime and the correct store would be closing from 1:30-2:00. Instead of grousing about the inconvenience, I reframed the issue in my mind and chose to drive to the nearest bookstore, find a book to peruse, and sip on a frappuccino from their in-house café . It was a wonderful little "best life" moment in the midst of a minor aggravation.

11. I can say no to negativity. We got stuck on this cancer journey, just like everyone else on this path. But I can go through it on my own terms. I can choose to appreciate the time my husband and I have together. I can be thankful for the family and friends that surround us, and for the home that we live in. There will be terrible days ahead. Even if my husband survives, fear of cancer will always be on the back burner. I can not allow that to cancel out the simple joys of sitting on the front porch together watching the world go by. I will not let grief over our current or future reality overshadow the life we have lived. In the words of Dr. Seuss, "Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened.

12. I can remember that I am who I choose to be, and then choose what I really want, minute by minute. I can choose to live in gratitude and hope. I can choose to stay busy but savor each day together. I choose how I frame each event in my life.

What can I control? I can control how I will react to every day, every challenge, every situation.