breakups

When it comes to breakups, pain is inevitable, but Humans thinks that suffering is optional.

Goodbye Letters
I never like to leave things unsaid. Chances are that those of you reading this have some level of understanding on just how awful it feels when we are not gifted the opportunity to say our last piece. In fact, you might even know just how it feels to have your feelings and expressions floating around you in limbo with no clear direction at all.
By Nicole Booth6 years ago in Humans
IMPORTANT FINDINGS
For so long i thought that being in a relationship would bring me happiness . I would often be saddened to see my friends and other acquaintances "boo'd" up whilst I would be single or in an never ending entanglement with a stranger I met on instagram, the rants would begin, the indirect posts and stories about how much I missed you or how much you hurt me, a never ending toxic and depressive cycle. Feelings of insecurity came crippling my mind , I often questioned my appearence, if I'm being honest I have always been tall, with a fluctuating weight, my skin has never been exactly smoot, and for the most part I am an average looking gal, which adds to the thoughts of worthlessness. I had an inconsistent ideal of what a good partner looked like, in the back of my mind it always had to start with the physical. I had a "type" or so I thought. I held pride over what I liked, constantly telling myself that anything else that didnt fit the requirements would not be allowed, boy was I surprised. I tried dating women , here and there which I confess isnt a bad thing nor do I regret any of it, however I can with all honesty confess that I felt completely out of place, as if part of me was trying so hard to enjoy it. I realized pretty quickly that I had not been on my own , I am always involved with someone or catching feelings it seems, I wonder now if the pressure of being in a relationship created the fear of loneliness or if my libido was just needing stimulation. I always craved companionship, attention, and admiration, never did I truly get it at a full extent, it was always half assed on both parties. After this last entanglement, fling, situationship, whatever you want to call it , I came to the realization that I have never fully discovered myself in depth. Even in my singleness I would engage sexually , which is infact draining of itself, having to fulfil your needs with the needs of another began to tire me wholesomely. Often it would take me into a spiral of regret and shame, but that was the demon of insecurity trying to shame me and make me feel bad. I soon accepted that what I greatly needed was to find myself again, yes very cliche but also very accurate. Self-care and Self-love became my new entanglements. They became what I needed and desired, my comrades in the night when I craved a midnight sext or wanted to call up my "usua" for a quickie. It has been a real challange to be real with myself, I can be hardheaded and lead myself straight to self-sabbotage , for almost a year I believed that I deserved mistreatment, actually accepting it , I was complacent with buying someones love because at least I wasn't lonely right? Yes very pathetic indeed, I rushed love and forced it, I saw my life flash before my eyes and saw myself continuing this cycle way into my 30's. Something in me snapped, almost instatnly after finding out my "friends" betrayal. I realized that I needed to get back to the journey I paused , the train I left before reaching my destination for a little fun. I ended what we had , officially I may add, it hurt so bad, I cried, tried killing myself, but i grew the cojones to say enough is enough Luz. I accepted that no matter how hard I tried he would never be loyal or truthful, he had issues all on his own that I would have never been able to fix, he would continue to believe he was the best option, he would always call me a whore and I would only be an atm for his financial needs and struggles which were always unfortunately. I wont lie and say that I have forgotten him, that I have moved on, no one will trully understand the hurt , the self loathing and the self mutalation. My physical scars were covered, I did it because i wanted to start somewhere, to not have a physical reminder of the pain he caused, I changed my room because the tears, the many drunken nights, the constant cutting were surrounded in the walls of my old room , I had dumped my sadness and anxiety into my room, I never trully felt at peace, I would be reminded , he was a ghost in my room even though he never entered my home. I made the choice to start over with everything. I think i am doing great, even though there are a couple things that I am still working on building a more firm economical founndation. Still working on myself constantly even though sometimes it feels like I should be giving up, but I have discovered that the part of me that wants to give up and seek him again is part of him , part of the darkness that he conjured unto me. I am step by step killing it , slowly. You may never read this, we never dated although I wanted to , maybe you didn't like me the way I was, I understand that but what I will never understand will be why you continued to pursue, why didn't you set me free when you knew in your heart that someone else dwelled in it. I am slowly forgiving you, but not for you, not for your well being, nor that you will have a clean mind , I am doing it for the sake of my sanity, my health, my self love.. I have lost myself over and over again in people. I constantly grip tight so they dont leave me, I go above and beyond for everyone except me. I learn how easily I love and put others first but forget to grab some oxygen for myself, I killed my self everyday, every waking moment to see you happy and that was never enough, the thousands of dollars I invested in your dreams were never enough because you still lied, you betrayed my trust, you treated me like the slimiest trash and for a whole year and 6 months I believed it. I had faith that maybe I could help you , help you be the best version of yourself, help you through your addiction but now I understand I deserve more then what you bargained for. I loved you, I confess and perhaps still do, actually I will always love you, silly of me to think I could forget you, there wont be anyone to replace the love, but I have burned the memories, I am slowly moving on and I am finally believing and accepting that I am worth so much, my God I am worthy of love, of true happiness, of truth. I wont thank you, I will simply say that you were a lesson well learnt. You taught me to love myself again. I learned much more then you think, I hope you enjoyed the good life I gave you, but you know no ones love will compare.
By luz6 years ago in Humans
Forced Closure
During these two years after that "tragedy" that really opened my eyes to the truth and fact that he was living a double life and having a secret on top of that, I have been unconsciously putting him on a imaginary pedestal.
By Omay6 years ago in Humans
Loneliness
Loneliness I used to dream about us, walking along the beach holding hands while we have endless conversations. The day is bright and beautiful. We are young and spry, ready for anything that life might throw at us. I dreamed that at night, we would drink red wine as we shut off our phones to spend the night with each other. We would also sing loudly, dance with each other and show each other what it means to love.
By _TheBlackForeignMedia6 years ago in Humans
4 Hours
Sup peoples, welcome back, thank you for your interest. Alight let's see what to talk about today? Well in correlation to my two previous entries I think I know where I'll go to next.
By Emanuel Wilson 6 years ago in Humans
My Life and Rescue From A Sociopath Narcissist
Having a relationship with a childhood “friend” sounds like a fairytale right? Well, maybe for some it is, but for me it was a nightmare.
By Mamaandkidzreactions6 years ago in Humans
Broken Love
You know what’s dumb? I hurt you, because I didn’t know any better. Because I had just come out of a relationship built off lies and drugs. You wanted to save me, but you weren’t ready for what that actually entailed. You loved me because I was crazy and wild, but after a while you couldn’t handle it anymore and the same reason that made you intrigued by me, also made you lose your mind and despise me. And it was my fault. Everything was my fault. But you see the thing is, is that I threw a snowball, and you turned them into avalanches. That wind I blew, you turned it into a tornado. Those rocks that were a bit hot, you turned them into a fucking volcano, and with your anger it blew up and destroyed everything in sight.
By Gisele Goett6 years ago in Humans
Echoes of Criticism
Outside the window of the living room, I notice the sunlight is beginning to dim as another day has reached its end. What wasted weeks I have spent marking off the calendar day after day. Little blank boxes on the page quickly filling up with big bold X’s. Opportunities may be waiting out there with a bright future in store for me. As much as I desire to go out in search of them, I cannot seem to budge. I am lost in life as if I have wandered off familiar trails. Every tree looks the same now so how can I find my way back?
By Violet Holt6 years ago in Humans
I am a Survivor.
I am a single mom of 5 kids. I have 2 jobs, attend studies at a university full time and am working to launch my own business. I am 30 years old and I have been a single mom from the age of 16. My children are the light at the end of the tunnel- of whom without I never could have survived what I have up until now. This is my story.
By marion scott6 years ago in Humans
My Dance With The Devil
It was the fall of 1995. I was headed out of town to go see a man about a horse. I know how that may sound but it actually is the real story. A friend of my mom’s boyfriend had a friend who owned a couple horses that needed some ride time. A year earlier, I had to sell my horse back to the barn I was buying her from because at 18 years old I just couldn’t afford her and the rest of my bills. It was hard to do but there was no helping it. So, here came an opportunity through a friend of a friend for me to get some one on one time with horses and for free too. I couldn't pass it up.
By There's More6 years ago in Humans
Time For ME
My life has been nothing but a roller-coaster ride. From almost passing away as an infant, to recently leaving my abusive husband. I had meningitis at 15 years old. I had at least 4 surgeries to correct the hearing in my left ear (which never happened). As I've gotten older, I've been diagnosed as bi-polar, severe anxiety and depression. I had braces as an early teenager only to have most of my baby and adult teeth extracted when I got older due to them cracking and breaking from the medications I had been put on to control my mental health. For years and years, I suffered from horrible menstrual cycles to the point where I took myself to the emergency room because I had lost so much blood. Always tired and not feeling any energy led me to Texas Oncology where I have been diagnosed as having severe anemia, b12 and iron deficiencies. I've had to have 2 iron infusions as well as one iron in-fed. I get b12 shots every month. And my levels are still not normal. I even got a bone marrow biopsy to see if I possibly had lupus. Thankfully, the test came back negative. So, what do I have? I have an auto-immune disorder and Chronic Kidney Disease Stage 2. All while this is going on, my husband kept pushing me and pushing me to do things I didn't want to do. Like be around people. I have my days where I just don't want to deal with anyone. It's not that I don't like them, it's just how I take a step back to let my mind clear. I love to listen to music. He would get mad cause I didn't want to watch T.V. with him. T.V. was not my thing, unless it was America's Funniest Home Videos. On top of that mess, my dad has Alzheimer's Disease and was living in a veteran's home near us, but he had to be transferred to another facility upstate. It takes almost 4 hours to go visit him. And usually after about a half hour or so, he's ready for us to go cause he is tired. He is actually my step-dad, since my biological father left me and my mom when I was 3 and wasn't really a part of my life until after I had turned 21. So all my life I felt unwanted and unloved even though my "dad" treated me and loved me as if I was his blood daughter. So I grew up with a lot of hatred and resentment towards men. How could my biological father not want me? If my own father didn't want me, why would any other man want me as I got older? I was physically and mentally abused by one of my ex-boyfriends who was an alcoholic and addicted to drugs. I was with him for four years until he landed in jail again, and I left while he was locked up. My next boyfriend is someone I met while attending day-therapy for my mental health. He was also an alcoholic, and I should have known better than to hook up with someone who's in the same predicament I was in mentally. We moved to Texas from New York State to live closer to my mom and try to save our relationship, but it did not work. We got him a bus ticket back to NYS and I tried to move on with my life. About a year later, I met my now-husband. He was great at first, as they all are. He was an alcoholic too, but he made me laugh and I felt protected when he was sober. It was only after he did 6 months in jail for child support that he got worse. He would yell at me for stupid little things. He would pick on me for everything I did. If I tried to cook dinner, he would tell me what to do as if I had no clue what I was doing. He had a rough life also having lost his dad at a young age to suicide. He harbored anger issues too. I tried and tried so hard to keep the peace and married him in the hopes that he would realize I wasn't the enemy anymore. That lasted just 2 years. About two months ago, he was on a drunken rage, smashing his forehead against the shower doors and threatening me. I finally had had enough. While he was on the toilet throwing a temper tantrum, I thought quick and decided I wanted out. Bad. So I grabbed and stuffed my 4 cats into two carriers and left. About a half hour later, he calls me asking me why I left and that he didn't know what he had done. Sadly, years and years of the same stuff built up to the point where I knew if I didn't take this chance to leave, I never would. Or he wouldn't let me. I went to my mom's house that night and I have not gone back. Suddenly he realizes he can't live without me and wants to do anything I tell him to. I told him to be there for his daughter and granddaughter. He threatens to kill himself. I told him that is selfish. I tried and tried for many years to try and make our relationship work. But I was left feeling empty inside and not good enough for him and maybe that's why he always got mad at me. No. It was not me. It was him. This whole time. I, to a certain level, do love him, but I can't tolerate any more of the abuse. It has not been easy on me either to leave him. After all, I married him. I broke down crying on the way to work last week because I felt bad for leaving him, like my father left me. But I had to finally say enough is enough. And it was hard. I don't like hurting people. That's not my nature. But that night he had his tantrum, I had never felt so much fear in my life. So now, it's my turn to be happy. I deserve it.
By Vanna Vorbach6 years ago in Humans
The Love Im Losing
I am 25 years old, loving the one person I have loved for so many years. If you have read my very first story you will know the clues I was throwing about what needs to be vented, so LETS VENT.
By Khaliyah Bronaugh6 years ago in Humans