Loneliness

Loneliness

I used to dream about us, walking along the beach holding hands while we have endless conversations. The day is bright and beautiful. We are young and spry, ready for anything that life might throw at us. I dreamed that at night, we would drink red wine as we shut off our phones to spend the night with each other. We would also sing loudly, dance with each other and show each other what it means to love.

The beauty and simplicity of love is not measured by how much money you have or how good you look, it’s measured by the amount of heart you put into it; I don’t deserve it. For a while now being alone is what I look forward to, there’s no one to disappoint you, or no one to reach out to when you’re having a bad day, just you and yourself. Honestly it’s peaceful that way, for someone who’s as angry as I am it makes sense that I’m alone. Let’s recap so I can give you the entire story.

It was probably about 4 years ago I broke up with my ex, she was so full of life, but yet so damn emotional. So often I found myself in difficult situations not knowing what to do as she was crying her eyes out and I couldn’t even find the words to speak. She was difficult to deal with sometimes, and I never understood why she was the way she was but I guess I just accepted it. I found myself often times agreeing with her even if I didn’t want to, doing things that I wouldn’t dream of doing, and sometimes saying things that I immediately regretted. Is this is the course of love? I think not I believe love should be mutually understood, something that you both don’t have to think about and something you’re constantly working on everyday. It’s true it can be boring, but if done right it can be so incredibly beautiful.

I prefer not to partake in it now a days, because the game has changed and navigating through this world and it’s sometimes corrupt people can be overwhelming. I also don’t believe some of us were put on this earth to love, I believe some people were meant to be alone because some of us are meant for more. Not in a sense of multiple women.., no of course not but we are warriors. Some of us are meant to be so focused on what we can do for the world that nothing else seems to matter. The thought is peaceful. We live in a world where it is ruled by devices, and not so much heart anymore. It is not what I expected 8 years ago as I left my parents house for the first time, and certainly not what I want in my life. So therefore I choose to be alone, because I like peace because I like improving myself, and because no one deserves my heart, soul, or body.

All three of those things come with me as If I love you, in this case it’s being molded and shaped, hardened and softened for the long road ahead.

Everyone has their reasons on why they’re alone,... but mine is quite simple; I like the peacefulness. I like the constant self improvement every single day, and I like getting to know me more so.

One day in the slight chance this might change I will be ready for someone. But now my loneliness is a fight I have to deal with alone.