Forced Closure

During these two years after that "tragedy" that really opened my eyes to the truth and fact that he was living a double life and having a secret on top of that, I have been unconsciously putting him on a imaginary pedestal.

It was those things that when relationship ends abruptly, you have more questions than answers. And you hope for just a tiny expectation that he will come up with a summed up explanation why things happened this way. But this unexpected break-up, truly put me in a place that I couldn't get out. I was so destroyed, humiliated and makes me question my femininity over this repeatably. Not only that, it felt like the last chance to at least walk down the altar in the coming months or a year has been evaporated in my hands and I have been faced with the cruel reality that my last of my glow, my prime has been gone forever. If it wasn't for the Supreme Being, I wouldn't survived this whole ordeal.

Two years I was isolated, cast away, rejected. Going back and forth on online dating sites, just to be basically invisible. Also going to church groups, going out by myself trying to get my spirits up has becoming a battlefield. Have a new set of clothes, getting a new hair cut, to then after let it grow while adding extensions to make me look a lot better, trying to lose weight. But it all comes out to my own lamentations and losses where the last opportunity of getting married was snatched from my hands and I have to walk around lost in a sea of uncertainty where most of the time I was feeling lost. Not knowing where I was going or headed to.

So, the plot thickens. I didn't hate this person, after all he did, hating this person means wasting my time and being obsessed to the point that I could end up on a new episode of Deadly Women. Learning to forgive even in situations like these was natural for me. Forgiving means you move ahead. Forgiving will heal you heart. But in my case my heart was too damaged not only by him but prior relationships as well. Indeed, healing did took time for me but not enough for what I was going to have in the following days.

It was on a Sunday, on my day off, went to church and I thought that this day was going to be a good day. As I got out of church, and went to brunch, I was going to find a store and get some new things. But my intuition guided me to the location that I used to meet this guy. As I stood up at the parking lot, I prayed a little and after I was turning my key to start up my car, I saw a family in the horizon. As they were getting closer to the parking lot I recognize the man carrying a stroller. It was my ex and he was with a new significant other, younger than me, with four kids and a baby on a stroller. I recognized him by the hat, the cargo pants and the boots he wears. After two years of mourning, crying, screaming, in a depressed mood. I finally see him for who he is. A person who has to depend on someone to keep his feet and his broken finances (because he went to year for a year) in order to use and abuse. When I saw him, I imagined that I kicked him out of my pedestal like a dirty rag. I played a song in my car so he could listen to. It was the band Woodkid with the song "Run Boy Run," turned on my car and I drove back and headed to the bar. All my thoughts were at first, of replacement, of anger and humiliation. I ordered a tequila and then a Guinness, while trying to wipe off my tears while pretending I'm watching sports. The lonely nights, the lack of companionship, And so it began to move on forcibly. If the Universe wants me to be alone for the rest of my life, so be it! Because I have been hoping at least for a happy ending in my life. Not like this, alone trying to pick up the pieces to then just leave those pieces and walk away from it. Because right now, I have to think about myself and it's not gonna be pleasurable.