You Can't Compete

Yesterday, on my last day of my vacation I decided to go on a anniversary of a business that I didn't heard of. The location was at a gastro pub a few miles from downtown. I was choosing between going to an open mic, or going to the anniversary or going to the new casino they opened a few weeks ago. So after all, I chose to be at the anniversary of a well known business because it has a DJ after a live performance and I wanted to dance hopefully with someone I could meet. So, at least, I was pretty pumped to be there and hopefully I meet someone and dance the night away before going back to work the next day.

So, I got showered, dressed with a nice sexy colorful tunic and killer high sandals, all while adding a little bit of make up and I head there, paid the cover charge, and I was indeed waiting. Waiting for someone to approach me to have a conversation, just a simple conversation. But in the middle of it all people were started to gather and there it were, a huge group of ladies in their mid's to late 20's dressing up with their tight dresses, killer stiletto shoes and perfectly blended make up, and don't forget about their long straight hair curled up in nice hairstyles. I was just by myself at the bar booth waiting. And later, I felt this sense of inadequacy, all while my low self-esteem and feelings of low self confidence were haunting me fiercelessly with no rest.

And here I was. A mid 40's woman trying to at least waiting to see if someone will approach me and break the ice. But the reality of the matter is that I basically can't compete. I'm in a point that hitting the wall when it comes to meeting new people or even dating means you're smashing your face into a pulp at the wall and there's no one picking up the pieces.

Being in your 40's or older and want to go on dating means you have to walk on eggshells. Means you have to deal with a lot of rejection from men. Means you also face a lot of being invisible to men. And if they see you on a dating site, it's just for FWB. Because your glow, your zest for life, your innocence has been ripped apart. Whether is surviving after a bad relationship, bad marriage, or strings of bad lucks in trying to get into a relationship but can't go to first base, it is a downhill battle. And no matter if you want to set up your standards of men, you're still have to deal with loneliness, lack of connection, arkwarkness and sadness.

In that moment of the party, I felt discarded. I felt invisible. People talking and having fun and I was at the bar booth reading stuff on FB, trying to not have a panic attack or worse. I wanted to get the men's attention somehow, but approaching to them when they don't know me sounds like I'm a desperate woman. Meanwhile, the young women feel flattered, elated, complemented with their glow in their faces shining through and through with no effort men invite them for a drink or two. While I pay for my beer... in cash glancing at them, listening at the music playing and I didn't have no choice but to go to the restroom and cry.

All emotions were all cluttered in my mind as I shed every tear in that bathroom stall. I was alone. While the music was pumping outside, thoughts of failed relationships, specially the latest one circled my mind as guilt trips. I was making a huge list in my mind of all my strengths and what I did during those two years after that tragic breakup that nearly destroyed me. And while these mid to late 20's girls were living with their daddies, with no stable job, or going to college to get drunk later in the night at a fraternity, I live on my own in a apartment. And soon, I will get the house I wanted to have. I have a stable job and have been working for 3 years. While they didn't endured a pint of trauma, or unsavory circumstances or negative events in their lives, I dealt with trauma. Lots of it! But one thing is either you fight, or you flight. Experiencing trauma makes you wiser or bitter or cautious around my surroundings. Maturity is essential to choose which way I go. Meanwhile, these girls doesn't have not even a pint of their own voice. While they get attention from lot's of men, offering drinks and conversations, taking them on trips and adventures, I pay for my own drinks, converse with my small circle of people, go on my own adventures or trips without asking someone if I can go. While they're naive, I learned, learned a lot about life. While they're carefree, I'm cautious. While they're celebrating and having fun, I somewhat have to get out of my mourning period and it seems difficult sometimes, but I'm making an effort. While their confidence and self-worth is at it all time high, I'm recuperating it by doing an activity that I didn't expected to take: Kickboxing.

After I left the restroom, I decided to leave. I could stay longer if someone would approach me out of the blue, but after two hours, my anxiety and the disconnection was out on the open. Should I go home in defeat, playing videogames while eating snacks? Or should I go to another pub? So I choose an so-called Irish pub on the other side of town. And as I ordered a fruity drink, I asked a man if this seat was taken. He answered with glee, "No, Ma'am!" And so he started having a conversion by asking how I was doing in this lovely night. And we talked for at least an hour practically. I never had that in months! Like my confidence and my self-esteem went up again. Sadly, even though he was a good guy, he is taken. And I respect his honesty in that. But there weren't 20's year old's in that place to compete! I came home happy and with hope that in the near future someone will finds me attractive, that someone will find my flaws and my scars of life enticing. That someone will accept me for who I am, even with my strengths and my weaknesses and ask me to be in his life. And I'm blessed that my last day of my vacation went just like the movies. With a happy ending, and another learning experience.