• luz
    Published 10 days ago


    For so long i thought that being in a relationship would bring me happiness . I would often be saddened to see my friends and other acquaintances "boo'd" up whilst I would be single or in an never ending entanglement with a stranger I met on instagram, the rants would begin, the indirect posts and stories about how much I missed you or how much you hurt me, a never ending toxic and depressive cycle. Feelings of insecurity came crippling my mind , I often questioned my appearence, if I'm being honest I have always been tall, with a fluctuating weight, my skin has never been exactly smoot, and for the most part I am an average looking gal, which adds to the thoughts of worthlessness. I had an inconsistent ideal of what a good partner looked like, in the back of my mind it always had to start with the physical. I had a "type" or so I thought. I held pride over what I liked, constantly telling myself that anything else that didnt fit the requirements would not be allowed, boy was I surprised. I tried dating women , here and there which I confess isnt a bad thing nor do I regret any of it, however I can with all honesty confess that I felt completely out of place, as if part of me was trying so hard to enjoy it. I realized pretty quickly that I had not been on my own , I am always involved with someone or catching feelings it seems, I wonder now if the pressure of being in a relationship created the fear of loneliness or if my libido was just needing stimulation. I always craved companionship, attention, and admiration, never did I truly get it at a full extent, it was always half assed on both parties. After this last entanglement, fling, situationship, whatever you want to call it , I came to the realization that I have never fully discovered myself in depth. Even in my singleness I would engage sexually , which is infact draining of itself, having to fulfil your needs with the needs of another began to tire me wholesomely. Often it would take me into a spiral of regret and shame, but that was the demon of insecurity trying to shame me and make me feel bad. I soon accepted that what I greatly needed was to find myself again, yes very cliche but also very accurate. Self-care and Self-love became my new entanglements. They became what I needed and desired, my comrades in the night when I craved a midnight sext or wanted to call up my "usua" for a quickie. It has been a real challange to be real with myself, I can be hardheaded and lead myself straight to self-sabbotage , for almost a year I believed that I deserved mistreatment, actually accepting it , I was complacent with buying someones love because at least I wasn't lonely right? Yes very pathetic indeed, I rushed love and forced it, I saw my life flash before my eyes and saw myself continuing this cycle way into my 30's. Something in me snapped, almost instatnly after finding out my "friends" betrayal. I realized that I needed to get back to the journey I paused , the train I left before reaching my destination for a little fun. I ended what we had , officially I may add, it hurt so bad, I cried, tried killing myself, but i grew the cojones to say enough is enough Luz. I accepted that no matter how hard I tried he would never be loyal or truthful, he had issues all on his own that I would have never been able to fix, he would continue to believe he was the best option, he would always call me a whore and I would only be an atm for his financial needs and struggles which were always unfortunately. I wont lie and say that I have forgotten him, that I have moved on, no one will trully understand the hurt , the self loathing and the self mutalation. My physical scars were covered, I did it because i wanted to start somewhere, to not have a physical reminder of the pain he caused, I changed my room because the tears, the many drunken nights, the constant cutting were surrounded in the walls of my old room , I had dumped my sadness and anxiety into my room, I never trully felt at peace, I would be reminded , he was a ghost in my room even though he never entered my home. I made the choice to start over with everything. I think i am doing great, even though there are a couple things that I am still working on building a more firm economical founndation. Still working on myself constantly even though sometimes it feels like I should be giving up, but I have discovered that the part of me that wants to give up and seek him again is part of him , part of the darkness that he conjured unto me. I am step by step killing it , slowly. You may never read this, we never dated although I wanted to , maybe you didn't like me the way I was, I understand that but what I will never understand will be why you continued to pursue, why didn't you set me free when you knew in your heart that someone else dwelled in it. I am slowly forgiving you, but not for you, not for your well being, nor that you will have a clean mind , I am doing it for the sake of my sanity, my health, my self love.. I have lost myself over and over again in people. I constantly grip tight so they dont leave me, I go above and beyond for everyone except me. I learn how easily I love and put others first but forget to grab some oxygen for myself, I killed my self everyday, every waking moment to see you happy and that was never enough, the thousands of dollars I invested in your dreams were never enough because you still lied, you betrayed my trust, you treated me like the slimiest trash and for a whole year and 6 months I believed it. I had faith that maybe I could help you , help you be the best version of yourself, help you through your addiction but now I understand I deserve more then what you bargained for. I loved you, I confess and perhaps still do, actually I will always love you, silly of me to think I could forget you, there wont be anyone to replace the love, but I have burned the memories, I am slowly moving on and I am finally believing and accepting that I am worth so much, my God I am worthy of love, of true happiness, of truth. I wont thank you, I will simply say that you were a lesson well learnt. You taught me to love myself again. I learned much more then you think, I hope you enjoyed the good life I gave you, but you know no ones love will compare.