The Last Words I Will Ever Say To You
I never like to leave things unsaid. Chances are that those of you reading this have some level of understanding on just how awful it feels when we are not gifted the opportunity to say our last piece. In fact, you might even know just how it feels to have your feelings and expressions floating around you in limbo with no clear direction at all.
In my life currently I am at a place where I am all things content and happy. I have finally found that special partner that offers all the good that we hope we will be ever be lucky enough find. These past few months I have gained a few pounds and shed a few addictions (including the elusive and awful cigarette), and I am now celebrating these achievements by letting go of all the negative feelings and experiences that I still harbor. I am saying my last piece now as a gift to my present myself, and more importantly my future self- you know, the one that deserves all the good I am now experiencing.
It is my intention that these words reach your ears, and may you not only read them, but hear them and the weight they carry…
You built me up only to leave me.
I told you my biggest fear was abandonment and you gifted that to me generously.
You gave me your time and showed pieces of yourself while I stripped away all of my layers for you -exposing myself.
After a time, you decided I wasn’t enough, I wasn’t worth the effort to know or to love. That perhaps you saw my commitment to a version of us more as desperation. I would never be able to quit on the people I care about like you have- it is simply not my nature, and so, we are very different after all.
You told me you cared about me but left me to be alone in the sadness that you helped me to build.
You told me it was ok, but left me with no one around to comfort me when things weren’t.
I gave you all I had to give emotionally, financially, spiritually and supportively… but even with all of that… it wasn’t enough to keep you.
You told me that we would be different, that the relationship our kids had built together was their own and untouchable- yet I watched my daughters heart break like a mirror to my own when you ceased all contact.
While you were telling me you cared for me “more then I would ever understand” you also showed me a level of uncaring that could never be understood. That was hard for me to stomach after all the moments and truths we had shared.
There are a few different forms of intimacy so I showed you parts of my body and my entire heart for good measure. I bared my very soul to you -only to find that touch held the highest value of all.
Even without giving you my entire body my insecurity now runs so deep internally that you would think it to be my very veins. I trusted you… and for someone like me that is an almost impossible feat. I showed you a new level of vulnerability that I had exposed just for you and you said not in your not words but in your actions that it was not worth your time or energy anymore. Consequently all the words you once said to me that held depth only sound empty to me now.
We built a foundation of trust that I thought to be bullet proof. I was wrong as I watched the bullets of all the things you would not say shatter every dream we painted together into a million tiny pieces.
Even if we were still friends, you would still not show me the kindness or warmth I once felt from you because I will remember this cold.
When things got hard you helped make them harder.
You said goodbye “for a time” and asked me not to take it personally while I watched you take me off of life support and destroy my scrapbooks of memories all in one day. But how could I not take it personally? When I knew that for you “a time” just meant forever.
So in turn you ended up being like everyone else, except that you let me get comfortable first- only to leave me in the waste afterwards like many before you.
I am sorry things had to be this way, and at the same time I am grateful that this experience helped to open myself up to new possibilities. Although the way I was treated in the end did not feel fair to me, it was needed so that I could find what I deserved- and so I thank you for that.
Sending all the self love I have now found,
-The girl you never knew