My Dance With The Devil

It was the fall of 1995. I was headed out of town to go see a man about a horse. I know how that may sound but it actually is the real story. A friend of my mom’s boyfriend had a friend who owned a couple horses that needed some ride time. A year earlier, I had to sell my horse back to the barn I was buying her from because at 18 years old I just couldn’t afford her and the rest of my bills. It was hard to do but there was no helping it. So, here came an opportunity through a friend of a friend for me to get some one on one time with horses and for free too. I couldn't pass it up.

I didn’t know the guy at all (his name was Roy) but if my mom thought it was okay then it must have been. Off I went with very little thought about it except excitement to be around horses again. Back then, I was bold and brazen. I thought of myself to be fairly mature too. Tired of the same old same old teen partying scene, I wanted to get away from that and get into other things, like horses. Anyway, my best friends went off to college and I really needed something to do.

It was mid-September in Wisconsin. The weather was still warm and the sun shone brightly with bluebird skies. It was a gorgeous day. On my drive out into the country I pulled over to fill my washer fluid. The dust from the gravel roads caked my windshield and I couldn’t stand a dirty view. I must have looked like I was having car trouble standing there on the side of the road with the hood up because a nice lady stopped by and asked if I was having problems and if she should send her 18 yr old son over to help. I explained and thanked her kindly and waved her on. Looking back now, somehow I think I should’ve maybe met her son instead of meeting the guy I was going to meet.

As I pulled up I noticed the huge old pine trees in the front of his house. They must have been a couple hundred years old. The house was two story and older but I liked the patio doors on the second floor with a balcony. "It must be the master bedroom," I thought to myself. He owned quite a bit of land, almost 80 acres. There was an old garage and small barn attached to it. You could see the horses in the pasture in the distance behind the house.

I arrived on time and he wasn’t there. Two boys younger than me came out from behind the house to greet me and said that he’d be there soon. We introduced ourselves to each other. They were Roy’s kids Jake and John. Jake was 15 and John was 13. They pointed the horses out to me and I decided to walk out to see them.

Roy showed up about 15 minutes after I got there and I left the horses to go meet him. He was tan and short, maybe just a couple inches taller than me. He was old too, like in his mid-30’s. He looked at me and I could tell that I caught his eye. I was 19, had thick long blonde hair, stood about 5’6 and weighed about 125#’s. I wasn’t bad looking anyway. I noticed his stellar blue eyes the most. Think Mary Ingalls on Little House on the Prairie blue. They were so pretty. He also had a boyish grin that was hard to resist. He was super polite and accepting. He told me that he really appreciated me coming out because he just hadn’t had much time to spend with his horses with work and the kids. He showed me around to where all the horse stuff was and then I actually was able to ride his gelding for about 45 minutes. At first he led me around so the horse and I could get used to each other and then I rode around the yard and then up and down the road a bit by myself.

It felt great to be on a horse again. Everything just seemed perfect. The weather, nice country folk; it all just felt really good. For 2 hours I had no worries and I was totally relaxed. Roy invited me to stay for dinner on the grill but I declined because I wanted to get back to town before dark. I wasn’t really familiar with the area and didn’t want to get lost.

I didn’t go back for a week and that week was a long one. I had my job at the grocery store where I worked nearly full time. I was living with my mom and younger sister. Mom wasn’t working at the time so I was helping to pay rent and the bills and helping out with my sister. I felt incredibly stuck. My closest and best friends were off to college and were busy with their new lives and new friends. Any friends I had left in town were also busy with different friend groups or just partying all the time and I was tired of that scene. I felt I just didn’t fit in anywhere. So, that week I dreamt of horses in the country side and a guy with pretty blue eyes.

The following Saturday I headed out about noon. This time his kids weren’t there, they were at their mom’s. So I spent time alone with the horses.

I knew Roy was watching me. It felt a little weird but I liked the attention too. After I had finished with the horses, he asked me if I wanted to get a bite to eat at the bar two miles down the road. It was only 4 pm and I had actually worked up an appetite so I agreed. I ordered chicken tenders and fries and they actually were pretty good. Definitely better than K.F.C.. He offered me a beer and umm….YEAH!! I’d have one! “Pretty cool,” I thought. I mean, I’ve consumed plenty of beer and booze during my high school partying days but here is a guy, an adult and he was offering me alcohol as if I were on his level. Or maybe he thought I was mature enough. In any case, I liked it. I pretty much slammed my beer and we said goodbye and I was gone before 5 pm. I left feeling quite proud of myself and all warm and fuzzy inside. (and it wasn’t the buzz I had from the beer)

The weeks came and went and I went out to visit the horses and Roy every weekend, sometimes twice. Jake and John were only there every other weekend so half the time it was just he and I. Each and every visit, Roy was a complete gentleman. As we spent more time with each other and became friendlier with one another, he very subtly tried to get physically closer to me; small touches or just sitting closer to me. Did I feel weird? Yes… yes I did. But it was weird in a good way too. Roy was polite and “cool” and seemed to be a good dad. He had a job and a farm with horses and he basically fawned over me….and I liked it.

One evening in October he was walking me out to my car and as we were saying our goodbyes he said, “I know I’m older than you but I really want to kiss you right now.” Wow! I was blown away. My mind raced and what was only seconds felt like minutes. He liked me. He was into me. I looked into those fabulous blue eyes and said, “I want to be kissed.” Cue the fireworks!! Again it was only a few seconds but it felt like a long make out scene in a movie. We made plans for the following weekend and I drove home feeling twitterpated as the sun went down.

That following week my mind raced and wandered through our odd relationship. I was 19, he was 36. I was only a few years older than his boys. My parents were only a few years older than him. Yes it was weird but I was tired of my responsibilities at home and the weight I carried. I was tired of my mother’s drinking and I was lonely and missing my friends. I decided that if Roy really liked me, that I was going to totally pursue this relationship. Besides, many younger ladies have relationships with older guys.

It was that Thursday afternoon and my mother called to me saying I had a phone call. I knew it wasn’t Roy, he never called. I answered and my heart sank a bit when I heard Eric’s voice, “Hey Theresa…” Out of the blue my ex-boyfriend decided to call me and asked if we could get together that coming weekend. He broke up with me in the summer of ‘93 when I was 17, because his parents didn’t like us together or thought we were too serious. I was terribly heartbroken. He was my first true love. Truth be told, I still loved him. He was the one. Every other relationship that I would be in would be weighed against what I had with him. There is something about your first real love that is more powerful and innocent and wild and free…..well nothing else ever feels quite the same way as it does with your first. Maybe it’s the intensity of teenage emotion, whimsical and forceful……….. I thought we were awesome together. He took my breath away as we discovered ourselves, each other and the world together. Sadly it only lasted just short of a year. We only saw each other a few times around town and I had to hear stories about him bouncing around to other girls but at least they were always short lived whereas we lasted nearly a year. My heart still ached for him. I saw him at the fair a couple months before his call. All we said to each other in passing was “Hey”. Was it fate trying to step in? Was something or someone (a guardian angel or God) trying to detour me from the path I was headed? Yes, I think they were. Still hurt by the breakup and blinded by the hope of whatever may lay ahead with Roy, I told Eric that he was too late in calling…..that I was already seeing someone else and we said good bye. Ugh, my stomach churned. Like I wasn’t sure if I did the right thing or if what I was going to be doing over the weekend was right either. Should I cancel out Roy and run to Eric? No…….I had to let Eric go.

Saturday couldn’t get here soon enough. My mind would drift off to Roy, the horses and the farm whenever I closed my eyes. That Friday at work was literally a blur. Every time I thought about the upcoming weekend, I got butterflies in my stomach. My body felt like it was going to explode. I was full of anticipation, hope, fear and worry. I didn’t know what to expect or how I should even think about this. Was it right or was it wrong? It still felt weird to me but home life kept me moving toward it. I of course, didn’t inform my mother of my plans for she would have surely said no. Friday night wasn’t very restful as I lay awake half the night but I eventually drifted off to sleep.

I slept late the next morning, which was a good thing considering I felt somewhat hung over from lack of sleep. I spent my time pampering myself with a good breakfast and a long hot shower. I normally was not a high maintenance girl, but I spent extra time dottling over myself, primping and prodding. Everyone usually did their own thing around the house so I didn’t talk to Mom or my sister very much and no one seemed concerned about me. I didn’t tell anyone of my plans. As far as they knew, I was going to go hang out with friends. That in itself would have been odd as of late but like I said, everyone did their own thing. This was seriously mine and mine alone. I didn’t get to gossip and giggle with friends about it or ask their opinions like I would have before. I didn’t get motherly advice because she would have given me the advice I wouldn’t have wanted to hear. My father was pretty much absent from my life. I was on my own.

It was another beautiful fall day. I cannot remember another fall so lovely. The weather was warm, the trees all turned into vibrant colors uniformly and there were many sunny days. I pulled into Roy’s driveway and I was nervous. I tried to sooth myself by remembering that I made no promises and that I could leave at any time. Any. So I tried to look at it like it was any other day and like we didn’t kiss the weekend before. He was outside in the yard picking up branches under the trees. He probably was nervous too but you couldn’t really tell. He was eager to see me as he rushed to the car. We made small talk and walked around the yard as he finished his work. I didn’t ride the horses that day but we did walk out to them and brushed them out, down in the pasture. We did a lot of talking, I can’t even remember about what but probably small talk about our past week and his kids. He did ask me about home life and my family. I didn’t give him my entire history but enough that he would know that I wasn’t enthused with where I was at and that I felt like I was going nowhere. We spent a lot of time walking around his farm on the paths that he mowed along the fence lines. He held out his hand asking for mine and I obliged. It was very pretty and relaxing. The smell of fall, the beautiful colors and being out in nature was very calming to me. Time flew by and the sun started to set. He asked if I would stay for dinner. Of course I planned to but I teased and replied, “It depends on what’s on the menu.” He offered me a beer and he got busy and started to make dinner. I sat at his table, pet his dog and sipped on my drink while I listened to the country music that he had playing on the radio. Back then I was ok with listening to anything. I was more of a Nirvana or Metallica type but I also listened to hip hop and dance music as I used to frequent the clubs. However, I had listened to plenty of country music when my friends and I used to party out in the woods with my country bumpkin friends. I say that lovingly, we were all great friends.

Dinner consisted of venison tenderloin, baked potatoes and a salad. We drank a bottle of wine with dinner too. He was such a gentleman. He made no advances but he was very flirtatious. It was getting late, probably nearing 9 p.m. and I said I had better not have any more to drink since I had the drive home. He then asked me to stay for a dance. Dance? Really? Sounded old fashioned but okay, I haven’t had a slow dance in a long while, maybe ever really. Of course my heart raced. The whole day was romantic and I was the object of his affection. I knew it. I still wasn’t sure how far I wanted to go with it but it all felt so good. I was being taken care of and I liked it.

He turned off most of the lights and the bright warm glow from the roaring fireplace subdued the living room area. The music was low enough to hear the crackling of the fire. We waited for a slow song to come on which only took a few minutes and then he pulled me close as we moved back and forth slowly to the music. He asked me if I had thought about our kiss and I said of course I had. He asked if I wanted to kiss again and right then and there I absolutely did and so I gave him a look to invite him in. This time it was a long make-out session. I have to admit, it was pretty intense as we both moved our hands across each other’s bodies. We slow danced and kissed for maybe a half an hour. Then….he asked me if I wanted to stay the night. My mind was full of the day and the moment and I was tipsy from the alcohol I consumed but I was still able to think clear enough. It only took a moment but I agreed to stay. I thought things might actually go this way so I came prepared. Apparently he was prepared too and had some pillows and blankets on the couch that I really didn’t notice before. He laid them out in front of the fireplace and we sat down on the floor in front of the fire. I won’t go into great detail but as we kissed and embraced one another, I soon found myself naked against his body. He was soft and gentle and caressed me all over. His rough working hands felt strong and held me tenderly as we took it to next level. It was romantic and passionate and I let myself go to the point of no return.

Afterward, he lay close to me and we talked quietly for a while. It was an exciting day for sure. Coupled with the day’s activities and the sleepless night before, it wasn’t long before I fell asleep in his arms. The next morning, I woke up chilled as the fire had gone out over night. I had to pee really bad and truth be told I was sore from sleeping on the floor and from the sex. I had to get up but struggled to find my clothes which were buried in the blankets we slept on. I really didn’t feel comfortable strutting around the house naked in front of Roy so I pulled out my clothes, slipped on my panties and got up quietly trying not to disturb him. I went off to the bathroom and cleaned up and splashed my face with some water. Ugh…. I knew my mother would be wondering where I was but I couldn’t call from his phone so I decided to leave right away. When I came out he was finishing getting dressed and started to build a fire. I told him that I couldn’t stay but he persuaded me to have a cup of coffee with him and so I did. Another sunny day but a cold morning especially in the house with only the fireplace as a heat source. I felt a mess and I felt really awkward. I’m sure like most other people do in similar situations but I felt especially small and vulnerable. He was quiet and we drank a cup of coffee huddled near the fire. Something was different about him. He had a confidence he hadn’t had before. Almost arrogant. He was still polite but now had a cockiness to him. I don’t know, maybe it was just me. Maybe he had always been like this before but I was too blind to see it. We sat there chatting as we stared into the flames. I thought he was lighting up a cigarette but when I glanced over to him I saw that it wasn’t a cigarette. It looked like a pipe but not like my dad’s old pipe; no…this was a pot pipe. WHAT??? Did I miss something the last 6 weeks?! Ugh… he acted as if it were only a cigarette, like it wasn’t a big deal at all. He was as natural as could be, like second nature. He took a hit and offered it to me with a gesture. "No thanks," I said. My mother would smell it no doubt and that’s what I used for an excuse. I mean, don’t get me wrong. I had smoked pot before. Little bits here and there, mostly at parties and probably weaker stuff than what an adult could get. I smoked a little with Eric and some with my friends after their first year in college but it wasn’t a normal thing. Not to me. He said, “Your mother smokes it.” WHAT? Actually, this I already might have known but I’m sure she wasn’t doing it regularly. She drank a lot yes but I’m sure she only smoked pot here and there when those guys would get together. Not like at any random time or to start her day like he was doing. I think he sensed my uneasiness and he quickly assured me he just did a little in the morning because he was usually sore in the morning from years of construction work. I finished my coffee and we said our goodbyes and I hit the road.

My head spun on the drive home. I felt hung over. I felt sore. And I was confused about Roy now because of the whole pot thing. Smoking a little weed for his pain? I guess I could believe that. He didn’t drink like my mom did. He was actually sober most of the time I had spent with him. Why would he lie to me now? Still, how come this random bit of information hadn’t presented itself before? Ugh…..I didn’t like it. But I did like the entire day before up until the pot thing. I concluded that I was over reacting about the weed and let my thoughts drift off to the passion I had the night before. I was with a man. I had sex with a man. Not a boy. You could tell he was experienced and knew how to do things just right. Sex with him was effortless. Teenage sex is sort of like experimentation where this was rhythmic. Easy. Don’t get me wrong, I had some very good sex up to that point with two of my ex-boyfriends but this sex was…natural and well, he just took care of me.

Mom didn’t seem too worried when I got home. I got the usual round of questions and I answered with friends. After all, I was almost 20 and paying rent so I should have some freedom. She took it no problem. She wished I would have called. I didn’t like lying to her but I couldn’t handle her freaking out. And so I spent the following days alone with my secret. I hated that feeling. I had no one to share my adventure with. I found myself longing for Roy’s company and acceptance. I called him from work Wednesday night and asked if I could come out the following afternoon. Remember, cell phones weren’t really a thing yet and I didn't want Mom to hear my plans. He said I could go with him to his son’s football game and I said I would.

The game was seriously awkward because I felt like I looked like his daughter and I think everyone looked at me like I was. For that reason I didn’t sit close to him and I think he felt it too so he made no effort to be near me in any way other than game conversation. Ugh…..what will people think of me? What do his kids think? His ex-wife? I suddenly felt like I didn’t make a good choice. We left the game with a very short and no contact goodbye. A couple days later over the weekend I expressed my feelings and concerns and he said he had thought about it too. “Fuck ‘em,” he said. He cracked open a beer and handed it to me. We talked about it some more and gone over ways to ease our pressure. We would keep our relationship low key. Hang around in the country mostly and as for his kids, they totally seemed cool with it. His ex-wife seemed less than impressed but what could she do? Nothing, that’s what! Later I would learn why.

So, we continued our courtship. I went there at least every other day and on the weekends I would stay over. He continued to wine and dine me and he was pretty much a complete gentleman. The only thing I still wasn’t impressed with was his weed habit which turned out to be a little more than just a morning pain regimen. He would smoke it several times a day on weekends. However he was still working and he was nice to me and things were very natural and easy. We had fun too! I ended up riding the horses less and less due to our relationship but also because it was getting cold. I’d cook dinners (or tried anyway) when he’d go hunting with the boys. We would go to the tavern near his house and shoot pool and have fish fries with the kids. It was a few weeks after we met that he told me he also had a daughter but with another gal. She was just 2 yrs old. He wasn’t able to see her as much as the boys because of different arrangements but I was able to meet her a few times. The ex-girlfriend was also not too impressed with me. I can look back now and wonder what was I thinking, not even questioning Roy about his life and his past but all I can say is that I was totally blinded by the attention I was getting and the freedom as well.

It was about a month since our first night together and by then, my mom knew I was “seeing” Roy. She really didn’t like it and started questioning me. So, I decided to stay with Roy. He was totally for it and that was it. It wouldn’t take long however, for me to discover that Roy wasn’t as sweet as he seemed.

Things were going ok. I was settled in and we were both working days. Or so I thought. One Friday night, Roy came home from picking up his boys. He had done some grocery shopping and so I helped the boys put things away. Everyone ate some pizza and Roy and I had a couple drinks. Roy went out to his truck and came back in with another grocery bag. I offered to take it into the kitchen but he said no, that “we” had some work to do. He told the boys to bring the baggies that he bought to the kitchen table. I just sat there like, umm okay. “Time to pay some bills,” he said and he emptied the bag on the table. Out fell two huge bags of weed! They nearly filled the grocery bag. I just sat there with a deer in the head lights look. “Holy shit!” was all I could mutter. Meanwhile he and the boys got busy breaking it all down into smaller bags of all sizes. HIS BOYS! Everyone acted like this was totally normal. “Are ya gonna sit there with your mouth open or grab a bag and help?” he grunted. Well, I had no idea what I was doing so I just bagged what was separated. This was unbelievable. When he was done he lit up his pipe and passed it to his kids! I was totally dumbfounded. He knew it and he knew I didn’t like it. He explained that he doesn’t do it often and that work had been slow. Really? I thought to myself because the kids were totally cool with everything that was happening. I had a pit in my stomach. I knew this was bad news but everyone acted like it was an everyday thing. I really didn’t know what to think of it. The next day, I called my mom and asked her what she knew. She told me she didn’t know much but if her boyfriend or their friends needed any, they always went to him. “And this information didn’t seem important enough to tell me before I left home?” because if I had known this, I would have truly seen him in a different light. Mom thought I knew. Her drinking didn’t help her clarity. Wow. Just wow.

The next week things were quiet. I wasn’t sure if Roy was actually working or just delivering weed or doing who knows what all day long. I didn’t think it was my place to question him yet. Honestly it all sort of scared me. I noticed that we were drinking more and more. I would sip on wine coolers or cheap bottles of White Zinfandel, and he would mostly drink beer but sometimes whiskey and started smoking pot all the time. I would only once in a while. I never really cared for it. We started visiting his brother Les and his girlfriend Rhonda who lived up north more and more often. I guess he was getting bored with me and just hanging around the farm. Les and Rhonda were heavy drinkers. Rhonda was a super sweet little lady. She was tough too. I guess you’d have to be to deal with these guys. She had 2 boys that lived between her and her ex. It was nice to be able to hang out with someone else and another woman. She accepted me with open arms and almost acted motherly to me. We wound up going up there a lot and Rhonda and I became friends.

It was just into December and Roy came home with a friend. I’ve never met the guy and he didn’t seem like one of Roy’s usual friends. He seemed like a nerd. He was nice enough though. I didn’t really know what it was about but the following week I learned that that guy and his woman and their dog and two horses would be moving in with us. “I need money to pay bills,” he said. Well, what could I say about it? Absolutely nothing. Mark and LeAnn and Shania their dog got all moved in just a few days. The horses were trailer-ed there on the weekend. I wasn’t very happy about this; strangers sleeping right next to my bedroom. Things were getting really weird. Mark liked to smoke weed but neither of them were heavy drinkers. They sort of took over the place and I found myself hiding out in my bedroom more and more. On the weekends, we would go up north and stay up there.

Roy’s gentleness was fading away. Now he wanted sex whenever he wanted it and he wasn’t loving or tender anymore either. Our first dance would also be our last. He wasn’t mean; it was just like it became an expectation or my duty. He certainly wasn’t as attentive as he was in the beginning. Once again I found myself feeling stuck. I began to drink more and even on my own. I wouldn’t get hammered, but it was more than usual for sure. We would still go to the bar once in a while and I would get smashed those nights. The music and dancing usually did it. Things didn’t bother me as much when I drank and I was able to have fun; too much fun some nights which was a welcomed distraction from what was happening to me.

Roy’s dog got pregnant running around with some hunting dogs and she had her pups a couple days before Christmas that year. He didn’t buy me anything for Christmas but he did let me pick out a puppy. Little did I know that his gift would become the best-est friend I’d ever have. I named her Keesha after a character that died on The Young and The Restless. She had the markings of a boxer but looked like a hound. Her mother was a white boxer.

Winter was setting in and it was getting cold. We needed to heat the house with gas aside from the fireplace. He did have a big wood burner in the basement but never enough wood to keep it going. That big old house sucked a lot of propane gas. He didn’t have a big tank, we relied on 100# cylinders and we would go through one of those in less than a week. So it was expensive. My car broke down and I did not have much money saved so I ended up losing my job. At that point I didn’t care. I wasn’t happy with my situation and I was frustrated so I stayed home, cared for the puppies and took care of the cooking and cleaning and the horses and whatever else I could.

Roy got a deer late in season and he invited his friend and my mom over to eat some fresh venison. By this point, I was drinking more and more. The evening started out just fine. Everyone was in good spirits and ate a good dinner. Roy’s kids were there and they were watching a movie in the living room. I had picked out my puppy who was still just 3 weeks old and I was excited to show my mother. We were all laughing at jokes and telling stories and having a good time. As the night went on we all became pretty drunk. I was talking about something and my mom responded with a smart-ass remark belittling me and embarrassing me in front of everyone. I said, “Why can’t you just shut up?” and she replied, “Why can’t you? Why don’t you make me?” She sat there laughing at me as I fumed and so I got up and walked over to her and slapped her in the face. Ha! That surprised her. I got yelled at by everyone of course. I told them all off and went up to bed and passed out. The next morning I woke up alone and seriously hung over. What in the hell happened the night before? Ugh….It started to come back to me and I felt extremely sorry and guilty for slapping my mother in the face. My actions were just shameful. I sat there dazed with my mind swirling with all the things that have happened that had lead up to this point and I realized that I was getting out of control and that this situation and relationship was nothing at all what I had imagined it might be. It was turning into a nightmare. I was able to reach my mother by phone earlier in the afternoon to apologize and she was very forgiving and she apologized too. Despite her alcohol problem, she could see that I was heading in a direction that wasn’t good for me. Still at that point, I wouldn’t have listened to her if she would have told me to leave.

I don’t know how, but there were phases where I actually thought things were ok. We got along, things sort of flowed and there were no conflicts. I mean, I think if things were terrible for me every… single… day... that I would have just taken my puppy and left. Really, I think I would have but like I said, there were times when things actually felt somewhat ok. Sometime, in late winter or very early spring, (there was still snow on the ground but it was melting fast) Roy informed me that he had to sit in jail for a few weeks. I think at this point nothing surprised me anymore. Apparently, he got pulled over for drinking and driving and had to serve some time. He was going to get out to work on huber (of course NOW he could find work) and he had everything taken care of as far as the house, firewood and gas for heat and cooking. He was gone for closer to a month and I almost felt like I was on a vacation. He called a couple times a week. One time he called and asked me to come pick him up for work when he didn’t have a ride. He told me to wear a sexy dress. So, I had to actually go buy a dress because I wasn’t the dress wearing type and luckily for me a place in the mall had a closeout on prom dresses and I was able to get something for around $20. I had to be there by 6:45 a.m. and so I actually had to be up and leave the house by 6 a.m. For some dumb reason I actually thought I was just picking him up to take him to work but I soon found out that wasn’t the case. He informed me there was a quiet place in the parking lot where he was working and he wanted to have sex with me there. At that point, I just did it even though I didn’t want to. If I wouldn’t have, who knows how he would have reacted. It just became a chore for me. Thinking back to all that had happened, I wouldn’t be surprised if he had his co-workers watching.

Months passed and my puppy grew. I spent an enormous amount of time with my dog. I was home alone a lot. Roy began to treat me like a burden. I took the very little money I had and tried to get my car fixed. He demanded that I find work and so I did. I worked at a wood factory that made shims. The worked sucked for the little pay I made so I only stayed a month. Roy and I continued to party on the weekends. Sometimes we got along and sometimes we didn’t. Sometimes I came home alone and sometimes he wouldn’t come home until the following day. He ordered me around like one of his kids but still expected me to want to have sex with him and be his girlfriend. On the nights that we were getting along, when I was drunk he would take nude Polaroid’s of me. Some of them I would find the next day and were so awful that I wanted to throw them away. But I couldn’t because then he would know that I was in his dresser drawers. I knew that what was happening to me was very wrong. I was scared and stuck. He also started to bring different drugs home like mushrooms and opium. Like I said before, I wasn’t really into weed or anything else but when I was drunk he would trick me into trying things. Once I found a photo of me seemingly passed out but with his hand gun near my privates. I had absolutely no recollection of it and was extremely freaked out when I found it. I also think he was sharing my photos with his kids. Or maybe they just found them. I don’t know. A couple times I caught his second son John spying on me through the bathroom window when I would take a shower. I was very ticked off about it and Roy always it made it out to be nothing more than a young man’s raging hormones and innocent curiosity. John knew I was pissed and would hide from me the rest of the day. When I think about it now, it made more sense for John to want to catch a glimpse of me than Roy having a relationship with me. We were so much closer in age than Roy and I.

Rhonda was a source of comfort for me and soon we would start to go up north a lot again. Roy acted like a human and treated me kindly in front of his brother. Rhonda was able to keep things fun and calm. The first weekend in May was opening fishing season and the guys were revved up to catch some fish. The puppies all found new homes and my pup Keesha went with me everywhere. Up north too. Rhonda saw my unhappiness though and asked me what I was doing. I told her everything in confidence and she tried to console me. She had no answers though. She was dealing with her own problems with Les.

The days were a blur back then. When I wasn’t working, I was drinking. When Roy was home, I walked on eggshells and when he wasn’t home I was annoyed by the roommates and hid in my room or out by the horses. Mark loved Vince Guaraldi. Who is that you may wonder? Think Charlie Brown music from the Peanuts. He had a record that he would play all… the…. time and it drove me nuts! I still can’t stand watching a Peanuts cartoon without gagging a little and remembering him dancing around to that awful record! I sometimes watched their dog for them when they were gone weekends. She was a sweet Aussie and just beautiful but she didn’t take the move very well and struggled with potty training in the house. I remember once when they were gone, that Shania peed on the living room floor right after we had her outside. I went to clean it up and Roy became so enraged that he picked up the dog by the scruff of her neck and was screaming at her and shaking her so violently that she pooped right there in mid air. He then threw her to the ground. I yelled at him but it didn’t do any good. It fell on deaf ears. I cleaned up the mess and took my pup and Shania up to bed. When the roommates came back, I told her what had happened and that she can never leave Shania home again because I feared what might happen. She never did leave her home ever again. It became clear to me that Roy had physical abusive tendencies. I started to become numb. I began to cower and hide and lay low. I continued to drink but wouldn’t get drunk. I stayed coherent enough in case I had to react to something bad.

Why did I stay you may wonder? I wonder about that myself now and the only thing I can come up with is that I was young, ignorant and didn’t know that I really should have just packed up my things and left. I was just 20 years old, had an alcoholic mother, an absent father and all my friends were gone. I was stuck and we didn’t have the resources back then that are available now. No internet, no social media and no cell phones even! I was completely disconnected. I found myself alone again in my seclusion. I stayed because I had a roof over my head, food and alcohol and I had my puppy. One thing was for sure, I certainly didn’t want to go home in shame.

That spring we stayed busy with a lot of fishing. Fishing first for walleye and then as the weather warmed we took out the boat and fished for pan fish or whatever took the bait. Of course it always involved alcohol. It also involved weed and mushrooms. I didn’t partake in the drugs. I had some bad trips with what Roy had given me and I just couldn’t do them. Half the time the boys went and whenever they came Roy treated me as sub-standard. I totally understood that his kids were more important than I was to him and it actually would have been ok so long as he wouldn’t have been a jerk about it. We did have some fun times though. I enjoyed being on the water and it served as an escape from home. Sometimes we stopped at a fun park and the boys would hit the go karts or mini golf and I usually hung around the stables near the horses. Once we stopped at a bar on the lake we were fishing. We were casually drinking throughout the day and so we were all starved. After we ate, Roy was driving and pulled out onto the road right in front of a cop. I don’t think that he was driving badly other than his pulling out too late in front of the cop but we were pulled over any way. Turns out his tail lights on the boat trailer weren’t working. I was sunburned and pretty hammered and I was underage and not his child. He was very quick to come up with an excuse for everything; he could charm his way out of anything I guess. He allowed his older son to have a few beers but he was a big kid and wasn’t affected by the few he drank. We didn’t get anything other than a warning. Lucky for us the car wasn’t searched either. If it would have been, the cop would have found his pipe and weed and drugs. That night we stayed at his brothers house because he lived close by. Roy fixed the boat trailers lights.

As spring went and summer came, we spent a lot of time up north with Rhonda and Les. When the guys would go fishing (or whatever they were up to) Rhonda and I would go to the bar ourselves for a drink and lunch. It was a nice log cabin style bar and the locals were quiet. It was about mid-summer and Rhonda seemed a bit frazzled this visit. The guys left and Rhonda broke down to me and said that Les got all messed up the previous week and held a gun to her head! "Holy shit," I thought to myself, "this was scary." Apparently Roy knew and that’s why we were up and he didn’t want me knowing anything but Rhonda had a reason for telling me this. “You gotta get out of here- this relationship you’re in with Roy. These guys are no good and you are so young and have your whole life ahead of you!” she pleaded with me. I said I had nowhere to go and she knew it. She told me she knew some nice boys in town, maybe one of them might catch my eye. I really had no interest in another relationship. I certainly didn’t want to leave one shitty relationship and jump into another because I was desperate. She also told me that a few months earlier, one of the nights Roy never came home, that he was up north there by them because Les had over dosed on mushrooms and he needed to be resuscitated. My mind just spun. I really had no idea what was really going on at any given time. I began to drink to become numb to reality. Things weren’t as scary that way and at least then I was able to sleep.

A couple weeks passed and I had my job at the bakery in town to keep me busy. I loved it there. Besides the food and treats, the owner really took a liking to me and trusted me to run the place when she wasn’t there. Her name was Jan and she called me Trish. I never filled her in on my story but I think she knew by the few things I did tell her that I was in a bad situation. She was almost Auntie like. She was great. She kept my spirits up and built up my self esteem. She would give me little bonuses and extra stuff like clothes that she couldn’t fit into anymore, or so she claimed. Her husband was an owner too but the silent type so I never really saw him except for when she couldn’t come in.

It was late July of 1996 and Roy and the neighbor decided to throw a huge summer party between their houses. The neighbor was maybe 8 yrs older than me and he wasn’t like Roy. He was nice and he always seemed overly concerned about my welfare. If only he would have told me what he was so worried about, I could have left right away. Why can’t people fill me in on what they know? Especially when it’s something bad? Anyway, the neighbor guy liked to party once in a while and he actually had a regular job, unlike Roy. I had no idea what the party was about or what to expect but apparently it was a big deal. They were roasting a pig and there was going to be around 100 people coming, including my mom. I was only expected to clean the house. I didn’t have to cook or anything because it was like a potluck. This was a big deal. I never really met most of Roy’s people so I wanted to look my best. I don't know why I actually cared but if I had to be there, I wanted to feel confident anyway. I contemplated not even going. My friends were home from college. Surely I could go by one of them for the weekend. But Roy expected me to be there even though he would barely acknowledge me.

The day came and people were showing up early to start the pig. I literally would know no one except for Roy and his kids, the neighbor, my mom and her boy friend and my mom’s friend. I sat by myself most of the time on a blanket on the lawn, playing with my dog. By mid-day people started showing up. There was so much food but I barely ate. There were probably closer to 150 people there. There was also a massive amount of alcohol which included barrels of beer on tap, many bottles of booze and wine. I was actually looking forward to my mom showing up so I knew someone but she couldn’t get there until late afternoon. I mingled a little but everyone either ignored me or if Roy happened to come by me, they examined me like an insect. Most everyone was older than me too. They were in their late 20’s all the way up into their 60’s. Many of these people were not Roy’s “normal” crowd type friends either. Some seemed very well to do and some seemed very professional. I would find out later that there were out of uniform policemen there, lawyers, doctors and even a judge!

Roy’s ex-wife Hilly showed up to drop off the boys. The crowd was starting to get loud and it really wasn’t a place for kids so the boys were told to stay in the house after dark. It was so rowdy that I didn’t even like it. It was still early yet though so the boys were able to hang around outside. Roy and Hilly went away from the party and into Roy’s house. I didn’t like it, so I followed them. They went up to his bedroom and I didn’t like that either. I waited a while and when they didn’t come down I decided to go up. I found them sitting close, next to each other on the bed. They were smoking weed and Roy was giving her a bag of it too. Who the hell knows what else they were up to but I wasn’t afraid to show my disapproval. He just ordered me out and in my anger I started to drink. No wonder Hilly didn’t interfere with our relationship. She was most likely paid off with drugs and or he owned her with the drugs he provided her with.

After Hilly left, he came by me to try to smooth things over and tried to assure me that they weren’t doing anything and that I was the hottest girl there; as if that mattered. His attention was short lived and I sat there in discomfort and boredom. I decided I would go for a drive with my dog. Not the best idea in my state but I just cruised around the country roads for a couple hours. It wasn’t any better when I got back; although my mom had finally arrived. She actually knew some of the people and was a busy bee. I decided to just go in the house and drink by myself and watch TV with Roy’s kids. It was soon dark and then late. I rejoined the party and my mom spent some time with me informing me of who was who that she knew of. That’s how I learned about the cops and all being there. By that point at least pot was being passed around but I suspected more with the history of the gang. There was an older well dressed, heavy set gentleman there who was only referred to as “Florida”. I never did meet him but later I learned that he was the big drug dealer for the area and obviously Roy was dealing for him. This event was most likely for him especially with all the “people” who attended. I was too drunk to realize the significance of this until the following day.

My mom had disappeared and I was looking for her. A lot of people had gone into the neighbors house and I found Roy. I asked him where my mom was and he said he saw her heading towards the bathroom. I went in that direction and the bathroom was empty and the only other room was the bedroom at the end of the hall. So I went that way. It was dark in the room except for a dim light and I just about hit the floor when I saw they were snorting cocaine off of a dresser!! I didn’t actually see my mom doing it but she was in the room and I saw her boyfriend do it and her other friends. Oh…my…God! How could I be surprised with everything that had lead up to this point but I was. I was angry again and told my mom to get the hell outta there and not to do that shit. She said she hadn’t, but who could believe anyone anymore. We went outside again and sat around the fire. I think I actually passed out for a while and when I woke up the crowd was much smaller. Still maybe half of the people were there but a lot had left. Many were in the house. I do know it was nearing 1 a.m. I found Roy and asked him where my mom went and he said that she and her boyfriend and their friends went to crash on the couch at his house. He told me that I should go home and go to bed too. We were standing outside the living room picture window and I realized that Roy was urging me home because I was no longer welcome to what was about to take place. I saw one of the bar trash women bringing a mattress into the middle of the living room and she took off her shirt. I asked Roy just what the hell was going on and he must not have heard me. It was still loud with people talking and laughing and the music. The woman who took her shirt off came to the window and pulled the curtains and advised me nicely to go home, “This isn’t for you honey, so you’re really better off going home.” My mind was just swirling. Swirling because of the alcohol and because of everything that had happened this last year up to this very point. I thought to myself, “Screw it.” I got the hell outta there as advised. Who knew what was going to happen there but I imagined some kind of sick orgy. I went home and my mom and her boyfriend and her friends were getting ready to crash in the living room. So I took my puppy Keesha and went upstairs to bed to pass out. I woke up feeling even worse, like drunk and hung over at about 3:30 a.m. I wondered if Roy was home yet so I stumbled downstairs nearly face planting into the floor. I got to the bottom of the stairs and I saw Roy sitting at the table looking into the living room. I turned to look too but I didn’t have my contacts in or my glasses and my sight was especially blurry from being so drunk. I moved towards the living room and tried to rub my eyes clear but I seriously wasn’t prepared for what I saw. John was sexually assaulting my mom’s friend who was completely passed out on the couch! He had her pants pulled down and was inserting his fingers into her privates. I turned around to look at Roy and he had a shitty grin on his face and I said, “John stop!!” and then I told Roy to tell him to stop. I just couldn’t handle it. I just started bawling and went upstairs and passed out again. The next day I walked around with a serious hangover. It was so painful thinking about all that had happened at the party. I felt like cracking. My mom was gone by the time I stumbled out of bed. I would call her later and tell her that she could never hang out with Roy or his friends like that ever again. I couldn’t tell her what I saw, but I begged her to believe me that what I did see was extremely terrible.

I didn’t see Roy much the next day which was fine with me. I think he was still drinking bloody marys while picking up the mess from the party. I ate something and drank a lot of water and went back to bed for a while. When I woke, I didn’t want to see anyone so I packed a small bag, took Keesha and stayed in town at moms. I didn’t talk about anything that had happened at the party or my life there with Roy and no one asked. We ate pizza, watched movies and hung around like we used to. Things were getting boxed up because my mom was moving. My mattress was still there in my old room so I had a place to sleep. I spent a lot of time thinking to myself about everything and decided that I needed to get out. I realized freedom wasn't what I thought it was. I wasn’t sure how I was going to do it but I decided that I was absolutely, positively no longer staying in a relationship with Roy.

I went home 24 hrs later. All my stuff was there and all Keesha’s things were there too. Going home was scary but I had some courage. In my discovery of knowing who Roy really was, it gave me some leverage in the relationship. I told him to stay away from me for a while and he slept on the couch. When they could watch her, I dropped Keesha off with my sister and mom. I no longer trusted Roy for anything or with anything. Work was my escape. It was a little bit of normalcy in my effed up life and I was able to be around good people. Jan urged me to move out and encouraged me with moral support.

It was now the beginning of August. Roy was heading up north with the neighbor to check on his cabin. It was about 40 minutes north of Les and Rhonda's place. I called her and asked her if the dog and I could stay with her the weekend and she said, "Yes absolutely." Les was going fishing with friends. So, Friday night Rhonda and I got bored and decided to go to the local bar. It was hot and I didn’t have a tank top so I borrowed one of Less’ muscle shirts. It was big on me but I just knotted it around my waste. We sat and chatted over a few drinks and then went home. The next day there was a celebration in town with a parade and a party at the volunteer fire department. Rhonda was feeling goofy and wanted to dress up. So, she found a dress to fit me. It was a cherry bomb red fitted dress. She wore a jean dress and we went to the bar. We acted like silly girlfriends and were having a good time. Being the new girl in town and dressed to kill, I was very popular that night. Then Roy showed up and he was less than impressed with the attention and the fun we were having. We only stayed another hour and went home early. I slept in Rhonda’s room with her and the guys slept in the the living room. The next morning Roy apologized and I said I accepted his apology but I only said it to buy time. I told him I needed time and that he needed to back off. He said he would.

The next month I would frequent Rhonda's place alone and she was working on a plan to set me up with someone. I really didn’t know what to make of it but I just went with it. I was supposed to meet up with a decent looking guy named Craig. We were supposed to meet for a game of pool at the bar and of course, he was late. When he did show, I didn’t like him. Apparently he had just met a girl that he was was into and he just came to let me know. He was an arrogant peacock. He was really impressed with himself and I was instantly turned off. I had no interest whatsoever.

In the following weeks I would meet Owen, Craig's brother. He was younger than Craig and the complete opposite of him too. He was shy, quiet and nice. He wanted to know what I had to say and listened intently. I guess I got wrapped up in the idea of him rescuing me and soon we began to talk during the week. One time, he and his brother came to my work place on their way home. They lived and worked out of town but came home each and every weekend. Home was up north near Rhonda’s town. They stopped just because he wanted to see me. I had no idea where anything was going with Owen but I did know that wherever I was going, it had to be away from Roy. Far away.

It was the beginning of September and Owen and I planned to meet and have a night out at the bar with his buddies. Roy was going to be gone fishing with Les and I just needed something new. We had a great time watching a football game. The bar was packed with all of his buddies and the locals, some of which I was making fast friends with. It was nice to be hanging around with people my own age. The fun ended when Roy passed through town looking for me and he saw my car parked at the bar. He started telling me what to do, to get my purse and get home. I told him that I was staying and with the support of my new friends, I held my ground. Roy must have felt the heat and wasn’t about to make a bad move in a place where he had no friends, so he said, “Whatever. I’m going home then,” and he left. I stayed a while and continued my fun. I finally felt empowered enough to stand up against him and I was too tipsy to let any worries bother me the rest of the night.

The following morning I woke up in a panic with a hangover. What did I do? What did I say to Roy? I started to remember everything and I was full of regret for speaking my mind. I called Owen’s house at 6 a.m. waking him from his drunkenness. We honestly both only got about 4 hours of sleep and were probably still legally drunk. I felt like shit. My car was left at the bar and I had to get it and figure out my next move. He came right away to pick me up from Rhonda’s. We walked my dog a bit and grabbed some quick food from the local gas station. The sun hurt my eyes and made my headache worse. Owen’s old family farm was close by and he took me there. There were no buildings anymore due to a fire years back. The place was beautiful. There was a huge pasture along the road and the woods filled up the background. A small river flowed through the edge of the property and it was magical. He offered to come home with me but really I had no idea of what to expect when I got home and knew his presence would only infuriate Roy. It just wasn’t a good idea with Roy’s history. The drive home was a shaky one. I was afraid to pull into the driveway let alone go in the house. I didn’t know if he was home or if I’d be met with a gun or what.

When I got home, much to my relief, the house was empty. So I took a shower. I was in a daze from literally everything and felt almost numb. I didn’t even bother getting dressed and I stayed in my underwear. I went downstairs and cooked the last package of venison tenderloin that was in the freezer because I was starving. Keesha and I enjoyed the meat and I really didn’t care about anything. I felt like it could be our last dinner. I had no idea what to expect. I had a feeling that things were about to end and I just waffled around waiting for it to come. My mind and body were heavy and I was completely drained from the last year and all that had happened. Eventually I crawled into bed to take a nap.

I awoke to the back door slamming. He came home around 4 p.m. and started to come upstairs. I could hear his every step and my heart raced with uncertainty. I didn’t move in bed and acted as though I were asleep. He said, “Are you really still here? …………… Did you end up fucking someone last night?” I rolled over and sat up (still playing the part) and told him that I hadn’t and that I was there because I had to get my things. His question was my cue to get the hell out of there and I wasn't about to waste any time in doing it. Finally!! A weight had been lifted. True freedom awaited me but I had to make it out of there first.

He insulted me a few more times as he hovered as if he were waiting for something but I didn’t hear him and I began to throw my stuff into a big black garbage bag. He kept pacing back and forth and I was seriously afraid. I tried to contemplate his moves while trying to remember where he had his guns in the room. I moved around frantically keeping my distance from him and I grabbed only what was necessary. I told him I’d be back for the rest of my things when I could get a trailer. He didn’t respond and I didn’t wait. My dog and I left just as the sun was setting. I was crying as I pulled out the driveway. They were tears of panic, fear, worry and relief....and they flowed. My dance with the devil had finally ended.

My mom welcomed me to her little apartment with open arms. My dad borrowed us his van and trailer and mom arranged a time for us to go pick up my stuff when Roy wasn’t going to be there. It was embarrassing having to come home but mom and I began a new relationship. She even stopped hanging out with those people and would eventually quit drinking. A couple weeks later, I found a letter on my windshield and it was from Roy. The first sentence read, “I suppose you hate me now?” I cannot remember much else of what it said, mostly nonsense about how he did ME a favor in “letting me go”. I replied to him with a letter saying that it didn’t matter anymore, that WE were over and that it was done.

Roy’s son Jake died a few years later from an over dose. Roy died at the age of 56; his lifestyle caught up with him.

And for me.....life went on.

There's More