Second Chances in a Relationship: What is the Healthy Limit?

Common reasons for breaking up

Among the most common reasons for separation, we list misunderstandings related to financial aspects, raising children , different sexual needs, as well as infidelity. While some of us feel that we have clear boundaries about what we would tolerate in a relationship and what we would not, others' boundaries are more permeable, and the decision to break up is not taken lightly.

As an example, we can consider physical, emotional and sexual abuse in a couple which, although at first glance seem intolerable, in everyday life it shows us that there are a lot of fears that make, even in this situation, the decision to break up difficult. Lying , emotional instability, immaturity of a partner can also become reasons for separation. Similarly, the fear that you can "miss" the opportunity to find a better partner, i.e. " fear of missing out " ( FOMO ) is one of the reasons why couple relationships (may) not pass the test of time.

Fear of giving the relationship a second chance

Once a relationship ends, there is a painful process, also called mourning, because it follows the stages of experiences after the death of a loved one. And in the case of breakups, the entity that "dies" is the relationship, and with it all our future plans in that couple. The pain, the anger, the feeling of injustice, the fear, the self-esteem that can decrease after breaking up with a partner, are all reasons why we may be reluctant to return to that relationship if the opportunity arises.

"I chose not to reconcile with the ex-partner who broke up with me because, apparently, I had too many expectations from him: to listen to me, to work as a team, to not allow others to interfere in our relationship - in this case his mother – to connect emotionally and be available to each other. He said he was overwhelmed, that I was too demanding and that he didn't feel free with me.

I understood and accepted that we are not compatible , that he wanted someone who does not have high demands from a partner and who could possibly integrate his mother into the relationship. The breakup was not easy for me, I loved him, I had been in a relationship for a year and a half, so I suffered a lot. Three months later he came back saying let's try one more time and maybe we can reach a compromise. I discussed it with him, but I understood quite quickly that I was the one who had to compromise. We chose to stay apart and I don't regret it. " says Luminia, 35 years old, from New York.

A second chance in the relationship, as I said, is overshadowed by the pain felt at the breakup and the fear that the situation will not repeat itself. Once they reach the separation, it becomes a reality, but also a possibility in the future. We feel uncertainty, unpredictability, mistrust. In such situations, a psychotherapeutic process can be useful to us, in order to face these fears and not take them with us if not in the resumption of the ended relationship, in a new one.

The rush to give a second chance in a relationship

The fear of suffering, the fear of loneliness, the feeling of abandonment, social isolation, mistrust, are all reasons why we either stay too long in a relationship, or we anticipate/experience too much suffering produced by separation, which is why we seek reconciliation with our partner .

The sadness and pain of a breakup is amplified by the fear of loneliness, as well as negative self-beliefs - " I'm not good enough", "I'm hard to love", "I'm difficult", "I won't find someone else." With such messages, breaking up seems like losing this "one chance" to be a couple with someone.

Pedestalizing the other person also contributes negatively: " he/she is beautiful, smart, attractive, desirable ". By comparison, we pale, self-sabotaged by low self-esteem, ignorance of our own worth, an attachment style or dependent personality, our own submissiveness, subjugation. The other is in control, we are not.

"When Luca broke up with me because I'm an argumentative person, I felt something break inside me. I suffered immensely and asked him for forgiveness countless times, we wanted to reconcile. I loved it and it seemed perfect. He told me that he doesn't allow any woman to make demands on him, that I try to make him feel guilty when I get upset that he won't tell me what his schedule is - which he did frequently, that I don't deserve his attention and that he would I should be glad that someone like him is in a relationship with me. Now, as I say these things, I've been through a reconciliation, another breakup, and a year and a half of therapy.

Yes, they were extremely toxic. But then, I believed that I deserved so much, that I was wrong, that he was the valuable one and I was not, and my negative beliefs were confirmed by him: I am not good enough. What is certain is that, after three months of suffering, after the first breakup, he "accepted" me back. I lasted a month, then when I nicely asked him to spend a weekend with me, he told me that he had more important plans with his friends and to start the pretensions again. And we broke up. I was shocked, but that's how I ended up at the psychologist. And it worked well for me. " reports Bianca, 30 years old from New York.

How do we know we can give someone a second chance?

Accepting the resumption of the relationship with a partner who has hurt us can be complicated. Likewise to desire reconciliation if we are the ones who have hurt. But here are a few things to consider before discussing getting back together:

First and foremost, it is important that the person who hurt takes responsibility for their own actions and the suffering they have caused. This responsibility does not only mean verbal recognition, but also concrete actions to regain the other's trust and contribute to the healing of the wounds caused.

An important question we must ask ourselves before taking back a partner who has hurt us is: Are we capable of forgiveness? Forgiveness is an essential condition for a genuine new chance given to the couple and involves closing the wounds of the past and not using them as a means of reproach or punishment once we resume the relationship.

Also on the list of questions to ask and check is: Is there a change in the other? It is important that there is growth and support for a person's changes, especially in the direction of the behaviors that caused the breakup.

Last but not least, let's make sure we've communicated openly and clearly what our expectations are from the new relationship as a couple. As time passes and we evolve, our ideas, needs and expectations change. In terms of healthy expectations from a couple relationship, here are some examples: mutual trust, equal involvement in the couple relationship, empathy and acceptance of the other, appreciation and validation of the other, respect for differences, mutual understanding and healthy compromises.

Assume the responsibility

Before deciding on a reconciliation, we need to see if the other person takes responsibility for the way they hurt us. So ask yourself:

• Is he acting like nothing happened and wants you to get over it as quickly as possible?
• Do they accuse you of being too sensitive?
• Does he sincerely and authentically accept his guilt and want to make amends?

If the answer is limited to the first two questions, then a second chance at the relationship only increases the chances of suffering again. In those cases we are talking about a person who is emotionally manipulative, who accuses you of being too dramatic and who ignores your emotions and feelings, as well as their own actions.

A healthy relationship is not based on blaming the other, but on taking responsibility for one's own actions and their effects. Commitment on the other's part means not only that we can trust them, but that they are willing to be vulnerable to help the relationship. Vulnerability occurs when we own our guilt and ask for genuine forgiveness.

Are you willing to forgive?

Here are two important questions before giving your relationship another chance:

• Why should I give it another chance?
• Should I give him another chance after he hurt me?

Obviously, we could answer with "no need ", but do I want to? No matter how we rephrase the questions, in the answers we need to consider whether we can forgive. It is human to err and we all make mistakes, that's why we need to develop our ability to forgive, and this condition is absolutely necessary for reconciliation with the former partner.

If you find that you are reluctant to forgive someone, ask yourself what your limits are when it comes to forgiveness, but also how your emotional health may be affected by a lack of forgiveness.

Of course, you can forgive without giving the relationship a second chance. Forgiveness sometimes just means letting go of the anger we feel in relation to the other, this way of self-harming by holding onto resentment.

So for forgiveness, let's remember how we felt when we were forgiven after wronging or hurting someone. How does it feel to receive compassion ? At the same time, we should ask ourselves if it is worth investing in the relationship with the person with whom we want to restore the couple.

Is there change?

If we are considering giving a relationship another chance, there definitely needs to be some changes. And if the partner is the one who hurt us, the changes must be clarified and, at the same time, this process supported and encouraged by us. In this case, feedback is important, appreciating changes, validating and observing efforts play a major role.

It is important for the one who is asked for changes to understand that these requirements are, in turn, a proof of commitment on the part of the partner, not just claims. In this way, he can increase his motivation in maintaining the changes. When the hurt continues the behaviors that led to the breakup, the risk is to cause further hurt and block emotional healing for the hurt.

Giving second chances in a relationship is one of the important traits of the humanity in us. But we must know how to use this choice wisely, that is, to give the chance when there is a desire from both partners to make the necessary effort to make the relationship work.