My Soulmate

I met him for the first time years ago. There was something about him that seemed so familiar, like he'd always been there. I didn't understand what it was. I was so far away from myself then, buried in alcohol addiction and self hate. I was only back in town for a couple of weeks, I'd been living across the country. He asked me and my friend to play frisbee and we did. We had light conversation, we flirted and laughed. He was warm, he was home. He was everything I'd been running away from. I left not knowing I'd met my soulmate.

Fast forward three years - I was living in an RV in a town far away with someone very wrong for me. The relationship was painful and forced, the way my relationships always were. We planned on driving the RV to my hometown for a month and then driving somewhere where it was hot all year. We were fighting so much, sometimes I thought he would kill me.

I started putting my energy into learning self-love, hoping it would make life feel a little easier. Things had felt so hard for so long. I journaled, I meditated, I learned from others. I did anything I could to ease the internal war that echoed through every aspect of my life. I thought learning to love myself would heal my relationship, but instead it took me out of it. He told me to go stay with my mom and that he would meet me there in a couple of weeks, so I did. He never came.

I had lost most of my clothes, most of my things. I had a suitcase and no plans. I stayed on a single bed in a small room that I shared with my sister. I decided that true love (the thing that I desired the most) didn't exist. I was in agony, everything seemed to be falling apart.

Worst of all, just days after that relationship had dissolved completely, I watched my beautiful 14 year old Shetland Sheepdog pass way. She had always been warmth and comfort to me, glowing with kindness and empathy. To live in a world without her when I was already deep in depression seemed impossible. I didn't feel like I could carry on living. I dreamt of death, and it became an inviting and embracing thought.

The day I buried my dog there was a party in the next town that I'd been invited to. I went in the hopes that some heavy drinking and socializing might provide some relief and distraction - maybe even some modicum of desire to stay alive for a little longer.

I got to the party and I walked through a field towards the big gathering of people. My vision focused on a sparkly eyed, beautiful man waving at me and smiling the biggest brightest smile I'd ever seen. He greeted me as though we'd been best friends (I didn't know at the time that we were). He was glowing, he was so warm and bright I wanted to hug him and never let him go. Although it wasn't something I consciously registered, something in me recognized him for what he was, and I was uncontrollably drawn to him.

I wanted to talk to him - hold him, kiss him, dance with him, be close to him in any way... But my confidence was at an all time low. I played spin the bottle with 30 or so people and I hoped he would join, but he was across the party. I couldn't stop looking over. I told my friend that I wished he was playing. I didn't notice her walking up to him or bringing him over to the game, but I did notice him sit down in the grass with the rest of us. I stared at him in nervous excitement. We spun the bottle a few times each, but it never pointed at each other.

The game had ended, everyone had dispersed into groups and he was standing by a bonfire watching the flames. At this point, I'd had quite a bit of alcohol and I was feeling a little braver. I went to go stand beside him. We talked and laughed about Spin the Bottle.

"I didn't spin you," he said.

"We can pretend," I replied, surprising myself with my own confidence.

"Can I kiss you?" He asked. And of course I said yes. We kissed and talked and kissed some more. Nothing had ever been more natural.

We spent the night together in his tent and I woke up with him holding me. I felt so safe with him, and although I was terrified of being hurt again I couldn't help myself from wanting to be by his side as often as I could. We went on our first date a couple of days later, moved in together a couple of months later and went on a three month trip to Thailand about a month after that. I don't know how I could have gotten through that time without him, and I'm glad I never have to find out.

When I think back to the months, the days and the hours before that party where my soulmate and I got together, it's so interesting to reflect on how I had no idea what was coming. I thought my life was headed to so much more pain, disorder, alcohol and struggle when it was headed towards exactly what I wanted.

We've now been together for three and a half years and everyday I understand our connection more and get to experience it from different angles and depths. This writing piece is just the beginning, and I'll be sure to share more of our story.