Love: Evolve, Elevate

What is love? Love is the most beautiful and painful thing on this earth. To love somebody so deeply is to hold the potential for an immense amount of pain. The power to hurt someone so deeply is only wielded by those loved so strongly by another.

I have found love to be an incredibly powerful tool for growth in my life. When I water the loving relationships I have, they reward me with fruit. Loving acts are what produce the positive changes I’ve seen in myself over the years. I am forever grateful and I will always choose love.

Friends and Family

I have friends who feel like family because I hold them so dear to my heart. I have shared years of my life with people who are a part of me. We have grown together, yet remained true to the core things that drew us together initially. That’s a special thing. That bond is strong, that one that is lasting. The feeling that you know you would do anything for somebody is a tell that it’s real and true and reached that certain level. It’s even more meaningful when acts of self-love allow you to share the romantic love you are experiencing with your friend and family loves who have been there for you the whole time, but you were unable to share that part of you until you showed yourself the same love which you share with and give to others.

Self

I have reached the point where I feel comfortable in my own skin. I can share with those close to me my deepest inner truths, the core parts of me. I can share them outwardly and openly, with confidence. When I trust someone, I can now trust them with the knowledge of my honest identity. I don't have to hide the rarest parts of myself, living behind a veil of mystery. The more open I've been, the deeper my connections have grown. The more I relate to those close to me. We have so much more in common than we ever knew before we opened up with each other. It feels so freeing; I feel so much lighter in my soul. And I am far happier, knowing I am ready to share myself with those close to me. And it all started with my being able to be myself fully to myself. It seems it shouldn't be so hard, but that is sometimes the hardest part.

It all started with perhaps the greatest act of self-love I believe someone can engage in for themselves and those they care about: I started therapy. Finally. Last summer, after a long struggle, trying to make it happen, to no avail, I began with my perfect-match of a therapist. This journey has been beautiful and I am excited for the years of healing, growth, and self-discovery to come.

*******

The most complicated, yet decidedly simple relationship I’ve ever experienced.

“I don’t want things to be more complicated.”

“Neither do I. But life is complicated. Our relationship is complicated. But it’s also simple. We enjoy spending time together. Life is short, so let’s enjoy each other’s company.”

There are so many layers.

My experiences are my own. They are unique in detail and specificity only. The themes present in my story are universal. Who hasn’t experienced forbidden love? The feeling of finally being wanted after years of unrequited love, only to find out that it cannot be.

When you tell me it can’t happen, even though it hurts us both badly, even though you deeply care about me, even though I love you, even though you say I see you, even though I feel at home, safe in your arms, I am crushed. Possibly the worst part though, is that your reasoning is so understandable, so admirable, that I only respect you more. Your loyalty, your dedication, let me know that you are the partner I want to move through this life with, but because you are that way, I can’t. It is the most frustrating situation I have ever been in. I want you, but if you gave in, if your willpower weren’t made of pure gold, it would tarnish that trust. It would plant the seeds of doubt in my mind, knowing you were capable. The fact that you aren’t, even in an extreme circumstance such as this, makes me crave your presence and long for your touch even more. It isn’t fair. It has solidified that in me and made me question repeatedly why life is so unfair.

When you try to no avail your entire life and then finally find someone you trust, love, and deeply care about, who is always there for you, supporting you, believing in you, encouraging and cheering you on and then you’re told you can’t have them. What are you supposed to do with that information? Just file it away under, “yup, figures”? When our timing is unfortunately not aligned and we desperately try with all our might to make it work despite the obstacles, but still can’t float it, even with all the hope in the world that I clung to as though it was the life saver that kept me from drowning, held just above the surface in the tumultuous sea as the storm rages around us. When you tell me in no uncertain terms so that all doubt is erased and I know that I should let go of that hope raft, but I still place a few shreds in my pocket, hanging on to them for a later date when maybe, just maybe you’ll change your mind, or she will, or something will change, something will shift in the universe that will make things right, set everything straight, I am struck by the cycle of calm and storm when I cry harder when the thought of this moment with you ending tramples my other thoughts, and I can’t bear knowing you won’t be in my arms forever, but then I feel your arms around me in that moment and feel your calm, remember it, process it, experience it first hand again and become soothed by how good you are to me, until another wave of sadness hits and the vicious cycle continues. The thought of you leaving me fighting with the reality of your being there in that moment was a lot to take in. The weather mimicked the emotions I felt inside and the intensity of the moments of our conversation, the wind whipping up, bringing with it the warm breeze off the water and the feeling of the spray of the rainfall coming in at an angle to touch our skin even as we sat and then stood under that gazebo, felt like perfection on that February night, it made me laugh even as the tears streamed down my face. For months, we played these games, did this dance, both knowing, but not saying. Both wanting, both caring, but not telling, admitting to our feelings with our glances, our actions, our laughs, our eyes, our smiles, but rarely and only barely, covertly with our words, and largely only in writing or whispered contexts, always said with a blush and a glance away, until today. Until that day when I couldn’t take it anymore.

Romantic

His love is an adventure waiting to thrill me, leaving me there dangling off the edge of the precipice with seemingly nowhere to go but down. I know he's there to catch me at the bottom, to break my fall, though at the same time as I see him there when I look down, against my better judgment, he's the one at the top who pushed me over the edge. He's the reason I reached this breaking point. He's held me together. He's torn me apart and he's the one who gets me back on my feet. How can one person cause so much pain and sooth it in the most nuanced dance of the heart? How can my person hurt me so much by trying not to hurt me? By caring for me and looking out for my heart in the most loving of ways, he broke my heart in a complex way I never knew possible. It is not a simple shatter. There is no way to simply sweep up the broken shards, the pieces on the ground still glimmering with hope, though it's dying, reassemble them like a puzzle, and place it in my chest.

But I wouldn’t trade a single second of the pain for the way it felt when I was floating. I guess I should’ve known that when you’re flying that high, you’re bound to come crashing back down eventually, plummeting back down through the layers of the atmosphere, and landing on what feels like rock bottom at the time. But it could always be worse, I could have never known the high. The old cliche is true, it is better to have loved and lost, than to never have loved at all.

When all hope has faded, find some.