I'm Fine?! Hey Dudes, Stop Misinterpreting The Female Dictionary

What's with those four little letters? That one little word?

What's with that seemingly innocent phrase? When that word combines with another, it annoys the absolute hell out of every male dating a woman.

I know this first hand by the way. I'm a woman who has turned to a lover, my husband included, and answered their question with, "I'm fine."

And had you asked me five years about my use of the phrase, I would have said 90% of the time, I was saying 'I'm fine' instead of saying what I really felt.

For everyone in my life that I did that to, I'm eternally apologetic.

But that was five years ago when I was in my twenties. Now I'm in my thirties (but often pretending I'm still in my twenties), I don't do this anymore.

I actually said to my husband a while back that I'm no longer using that phrase in some passive-aggressive, misleading way. I will only use it when I'm actually fine, in the true sense of the word.

Yet I know not every female out there has pledged to erase this stereotypical behaviour from their life. 

So where does that leave you?

Wondering what on earth a female means when she says, "I'm fine," am I right? Let's put this to bed once and for all.

When your woman is telling you she's fine, this is what it means.

She's just like me

Some women don't believe in undertone conversation. When they speak, they choose their words with careful intention.

A woman who takes this approach will lack the indicators to question her. You won't see any of the following in your interactions with her:

• Zero inflection or change in her tone - There is nothing to suggest any annoyance by the way she says it
• Zero gritted teeth - Or muttering, or any type of snarky way of saying she's fine. She says it the same way she tells you the time, or what day of the week of it is. Matter of fact.
• Smiles - Body language is critical in this. A smiling woman saying she is fine is usually telling the truth.
• Explanation - The woman like me knows other women like to confuse the men in their life by using this phrase. We understand your confusion and don't let our content state go misunderstood. We explain we really are fine and when we're not, we will tell you otherwise.

The woman who takes this approach isn't the ideal woman, by the way. 

There are no winners here.

It's more about lumping all experiences with women together. We're not all the same. And hopefully, you will see this in those who genuinely express themselves.

You've done something you're failing to acknowledge

Ok, so a woman can use this phrase to express her anger towards you. But she's not going to tell you why she's angry. That's for you to figure out.

Whilst I know you're not a mind reader, a woman doesn't want to tell you off like in a partner/child relationship. Instead, she wants you to:

• Step into her shoes without her having to beg you to do it - A way of showing how much you care is by being empathetic with her. You know what the situation would be like from her side and can see, without guidance, how upset you would be if the roles reversed.
• Analyse your own behaviour - Self-reflection is a part of being a well-rounded and mature person. She wants a partner who can exercise self-reflection and do something about it.
• Know her well enough to know when she's upset - Sometimes it's about knowing her. Figuring it out on your own is about showing how much you care. I mean, you literally gave her a red scarf when she says she hates red, for example. You should expect her to be angry, right?

So what the hell have you done wrong?

If you figure she's annoyed and she's not telling you why you actually know the answer.

Here's what you need to ask yourself.

• What happened in your latest fight?
• Did you have a fight?
• Did you do something recently that resulted in her mood changing?
• Did you do something you know would annoy her but she hasn't said anything?
• Did you have a conversation that lead to a tense parting of ways?
• Did you leave a giant mess for her to clean up?
• Have you repeated the same mistake over and again of late?

All these questions cause you to self-reflect.

If that's not something you're good at, the woman in your life is pushing you to do that.

Now whether that's something you need, or don't already do, only you can answer. If you're already deeply self-reflective and a woman is just messing with you, that's a whole other conversation for another time.

Someone else is pushing their buttons

If there wasn't an argument with you, don't rule out an argument with someone else. She's exhibiting all the signs she's annoyed; terse lips, tense tone in her voice, with a short temper. But it's not always about you.

Sometimes things happen in daily life that you're not a witness to or don't know have happened. 

But asking if a woman is fine might cause her to shut down and not talk about the problem. 

To find out if this is the case, try asking her questions like:

• How was your day?
• What have you been up to today?
• How was that (insert event, meeting, appointment)?
• How's work going?
• How is (insert a topic that has concerned her of late)?

These types of questions show you're interested in her and that you're listening. It then encourages her to respond with what's on her mind.

Questions like this should also provide a response other than, "I'm fine." These are conversation starters, after all.

Look to the calendar

Don't be the forgetful partner who has forgotten a birthday, an anniversary or a significant date in her life.

Though this might sound obvious, a venture through your calendar wouldn't go astray. And if you don't have a calendar with pertinent dates, it's something you should invest in. Unless you're superhuman, you can't remember everything.

Don't dismiss the anti-celebration. Perhaps a significant death anniversary is upcoming. Or passed and you missed it. Maybe this time of year is challenging, for certain reasons, and for whatever reasons, you've ignored it.

The fact you've forgotten gives her ample justification to feel annoyed at you. 

And considering you should have known about these dates, she might not feel like telling you what's wrong straight away. 

She doesn't feel like, at that moment, you're on her team.

Change the communication

A woman saying she's fine when she's showing visible signs that she's not isn't something to ignore. 

Though some women use it as a method of miscommunication and a way of testing you, some use it to mask serious mental health issues. 

As a partner, you can't dismiss everything as a female cliche.

When you're in a good place together, work on better strategies of communication than saying 'I'm fine'. 

Explain to her the frustration and confusion it gives you, and explain how this response doesn't allow you to be an effective partner.

And if you can't have this conversation, change the way you address the topic. Asking 'are you fine?' might not be the right way to encourage her to speak freely. 

Or without judgement.

Are you screwed?

This can all look like a giant game of Clue by the way. I know what you're thinking and likely to say. "Wouldn't it be easier if women told the truth? Or they communicated effectively?"

And I agree with you. 1000%. As a writer, I believe we should say what we mean. What's the use of words if we mistreat them? Aren't words for communication? If we don't use them right then what's the point?

But sometimes a woman has done that. She's exhausted her explanations, communication and everything in between. And you're still not getting it.

Or asking when you should know the answer. Or, even worse, asking in a crowded room when everyone knows it's a bad idea.

Relationships are about teamwork, not men versus women. Work together and you can't go wrong.

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