You're Missing The Signs You're A Number Two Partner

Some people say they know when they're second in their partner's life. I applaud that level of honesty and reflection.

But for most, unless you're looking for the exit door, knowing you're not number one takes a significant confrontation with reality. 

And that's something we don't want to do.

I was once the number two. Everything else in my ex's life came before me and our relationship. 

Work, friends, family, hobbies, watching this favourite sporting team.

Yet, I didn't believe he was ranking me against everything else in his life. I didn't think it was a competition. Instead, I accepted it was the way it was.

In the throws of his gaslighting, I was led to believe some people are better at being close, and some aren't. Whilst that's true, that's what someone who wanted me to feel second would say. And they did.

Everyone talks about how people make you feel second after the fact. Or when you're about to break up.

But when you're trapped, as I suspect you might be now, here's how you know.

Chasing the information

I've said this way too often lately, but you don't know what you don't know. It's a strange thought when we put it like that.

In the context of a relationship, this phrase implies you can't ask about a topic, information or a part of someone's life they haven't told you about.

Here's one that happened to me; my ex never told me his work had an eight-thirty meeting every morning. So I never knew to ask how the eight-thirty meeting went, because I didn't know it existed to ask about it. And when I asked how his day was, he never ever mentioned the eight-thirty meeting.

It wasn't something I could even ask about. 

How did I know to ask about a specific meeting that happened at the same time every day? 

It's so specific to his job, how would I have known to ask?

When someone is keeping you second, they conveniently keep information away from you. 

They keep you in a position where they make you look and feel like an idiot because you don't know what you don't know. They do this by:

• Telling other people who will tell you
• Withdrawing information you should know
• Answering questions with limited detail

As a result, you're always chasing information about their life. You're always discovering new things, a seemingly wonderful quality that isn't so wonderful in practice.

You gotta do what you gotta do

This is a line you will find yourself saying quite often as the person second in your partner's life.

I know I said it a million times to my ex as he pursued an amateur golfing tournament instead of spending any weekends with me.

When he said he needed to spend all day at the driving range the first time, I expressed some hesitation. But he said, "this is what I have to do." And then every time he told me he needed to spend the entire weekend at the golf course, I justified it with this line.

Partners who put you second force you to blindly support the way they prioritise you. Or don't, as the case is. They use this concept of 'doing what you have to do' as an excuse for:

• Staying late at work/hobby/with other people - They're never home when they say, or at the time they promised to meet you. Sometimes they might wrongly blame this on poor time management when in reality it's a lack of time prioritisation for you.
• Being away all the time - Travelling for work is often justified by "you gotta do what you gotta do." Often this much travelling isn't always necessary, or that they can't bring you along too. Yet, this line gets them out of involving you or questioning excessive travel.
• Not getting to tasks because of other commitments - They don't pull their weight because of other priorities. You can't call them lazy. They're busy elsewhere.

In reality, sometimes they have to do those things. 

They have to stay late on the odd occasion because they don't want to lose their job. 

But often it's because they've selfishly put their own personal goals ahead of your relationship. 

And every time you say, "do what you have to do," you give them permission to keep doing that

Life existed before you

There are two ways that a partner includes you in their life; they involve you in their life or they add you into their life. There is a distinction between the two concepts.

When someone involves you in their life, they include you in their everyday activities. They:

• Make decisions with you - Consult you on all sorts of decisions, from small to large.
• Bring you to events - You're invited to parties, celebrations and everyday events in their life.
• Include you in social circles and encourage relationships with the people in their life with you - They want their friends to become your friends.
• Reduce other parts of their life to make effort for you - They spend less time doing something, like a hobby or spending time with friends, to give maximum effort to your relationship.

When someone adds you to their life, they slot you into their existing schedule. They fit you in like squeezing in another appointment. They:

• Don't cancel any part of their life for you - If they have something on, and you ask them to come to an appointment with you, they don't even consider cancelling or changing their life to be with you. Even if what they have on is far less important or meaningful than what you need them for.
• Don't compromise anytime or effort they put into other things - They don't change their routine or behaviours to give any time to your relationship. If you knew better, you would assume they don't have time for you.
• Remind you how you're new in their life - They make sure you know their friends, family, and work were all there before you. It's your position to fit into the schedule, not to take any time from it.

From the outside, your partner's behaviour implies a great sense of importance. 

It also implies a lack of commitment to you. But worse, it shows great relationship immaturity. 

Their selfishness indicates they know zero about what it takes to maintain and grow a relationship.

You get cancelled on, but you're not allowed to complain

We have so many implied rules in a relationship. What's acceptable and what isn't. Some rules are those that come from dating each other and are more assumed. Cheating and the repercussions thereof is one of those rules.

But so many of the rules we set with our partner become set over time from routine.

The partner putting you second exploits these rules. They establish the rules pretty early on in their relationship; their routine comes before yours.

You know these rules exist because when you need to make changes to the routine, your partner protests. But when the roles reverse, you can't complain. 

If you do, you're accused of being bitter, argumentative and dramatic.

It's then that you realise you're always planning your life around their routine, and not yours. 

They are the one driving the relationship, meaning you fall into line with what they want. 

You don't have a fair say, which means you're second. 

And unvalued, too.

Your joint goals go unattended

Sometimes your partner does everything to suggest they are serious about you. They live with you, marry you, have kids with you. 

How can you complain?

But all the while, it's you who has put the relationship first and made those things happen. You put in all the effort, and they work on everything else except your relationship.

You can spot this because your partner doesn't put effort or time into:

• What you're trying to achieve together - Building a house, saving money, raising kids.
• What you've asked them to do - The basics of a relationship or growing home and family together.
• What is vital to your relationship - Sex, romance, dates.
• What is important to you - Contributing to your personal goals or being present for important occasions in your life.

Sure, they might put in some effort. 

They know they can't get away with complete inaction. 

Instead, they do the bare minimum, enough to be able to say they contribute and have examples to back it up.

Trust a feeling? Or don't?

It's embarrassing to say but I only know these things about being second because I was you. 

I was the one coming second, the one fighting for attention, the one who ended up wondering about my place in my partner's life.

I'm embarrassed I let someone do this to me. They duped me. I let them dupe me.

And just like what I did, you can easily justify everything they're doing. It can all look like someone who has a lot on their plate, you're simply lucky to be part of their life.

I had to tell myself how lucky my ex was to have me, not the other way around. He had to start keeping me interested, keeping me feeling wanted for me to stick around.

And he never did that.

Sometimes we can feel how unimportant we are. And sometimes we need to step back and see it.

But either way, the result is the same. If you want equality in your relationship, accepting the way your relationship is right now won't get you even close to it.