Future Love

Dear Future Love,

I'm new to this whole thing, but I don't know what else to do, I have a few things I need to talk about.

And one of those things is you.

You don't know who you are, and that's okay, because I don't know who you are, either. I don't know if you're a girl, or a guy, or even both, but I know you exist and that's all I care about right now.

My life is full of everything and nothing, and I need someone to talk to, I need to talk to you, because even if we've never met I know one day you'll be one of the most important people in my life, the one I can trust with everything, but I can't wait to meet you. I can't keep everything bursting at the seams, all bottled up with nowhere to go simply because you're not here right now.

So let's talk here, okay? Well, I'll talk and hope somehow, someway, you're reading this. My one and only, my soulmate, my best friend.

I'm alone right now, my stepdad is asleep in the next room, my mom and twin sister (fraternal, we look nothing a like) are at a baby shower. I could've gone with them, but I don't really know those people, and I know I'd just be uncomfortable had I gone.

I'm kind of at a cross-roads in my life, what with starting college in August, job searching (no luck yet), trapped in this tiny town I'm afraid I'll never get out of, with no idea what I can do with my life.

I have no idea what I should do. I don't know what I'm doing.

It's all- It's all so much, too much, it feels like.

I know what I want to do; travel, learn, anything and everything, have the freedom to enjoy life, to experience everything this world has to offer.

But I can't do that! It costs money, and my family would never approve, or they'd want to come, and it would either be really lonely or really awful, because as much as I love my family I really need to get away from them.

And I guess that's another reason I'm coming to you, because I can't talk to them, not really. Not when they're part of the problem.

Not when my grandmother tries to drown me in guilt every time I even mention wanting to move away, not when my mom can't accept the fact that I'm pan, that it's not a phase I'm gonna grow out of.

Not when my older sister is married with a seven month old daughter, living her life.

Not when my twin (who I honestly love and trust more than anyone else) is planning out her life, making friends, trying to make her dreams reality. She'll do it, I know she will, but I don't think she knows that that's not the kind of life I want. She wants us to live together for the rest of our lives, and that would be fine if I actually wanted to grow roots anywhere.

But I don't, at least not yet.

So I can't talk to them. I can't explain what I feel. I can't listen to my mom tell me about all the things she would have done when she was younger had she known then what she knew now, I can't hear her say she's too old, content with being a grand/mother even though she longs for her passion.

I can't stand to know that my grandparents have lived in this sleepy town since they were kids and have no plans to ever live anywhere else, that they're happy with the run of the mill everyday life they live.

I can't listen to my sisters talk about how they plan on being teachers and doctors- sensible jobs for sensible people.

I can't look around and see the lack of spark, the average, the content but not happy, and resign myself to this Statuesque.

I need adventure, I need the rush of adrenaline, I need the knowledge that I'm doing something worthwhile.

The only problem is I don't know what that is yet.

So, thank you, for listening, or reading, or whatever. I know you're out there, my partner in adventure, making sure I don't get lonely.

Maybe I'll write again, tell you some more about my life, about me. Oh, how I wish I knew you.

Love you always, love you soon,

~Your Future Love.