5 Things Driving Me Crazy After 15 Years of Marriage

According to Google, "the traditional symbol and gift for a 15th wedding anniversary is a crystal which represents clarity, transparency, and a brilliant, strong bond built with care over time". I wouldn't say I disagree with this symbolic object, however, I would say I am more likely to use said crystal to throw at my partner's head.

OK OK, I know that is so rude, but in all seriousness never did I think marriage would be this hard after 15 years, 17 years together. One would think after that amount of time you would know each other's moods, habits, schedules, and buttons to press and NOT to press, right? Nope, not really. In fact, I often stare at my husband as he lays on the couch scrolling, and wonder who the hell is this man and can I have my original back? Listen, I am not naïve, I know I am no peach, but I can say with full chest, that I am still as loud, crazy, and immature as I was in 2008. Sure, I have some extra cushion, a few more face lines, minor wine-addiction, and the libido of a corpse, but all in all, I am still ME! I mean I even wrote a piece back in 2009 called 10 Things No One Told Me About Life After Marriage, which discusses struggles and fears I dealt with after JUST getting married. Granted, I also wrote an article about Women's Deepest Darkest Fantasies but hey, like I said, I lost a little bit of myself too. All joking aside, when people warned me that marriage is a job they sure weren't lying. In fact I am pretty sure, if this was an employment situation, I would be either be on mental-leave right now or possibly retired, because home-girl needs a sabbatical.

So what are these eye-rolling-heavy-sighing habits that have me daydreaming about my letter of resignation you ask? Well here are just a few examples.

1. THE GREAT PHONE/COUCH DEBACLE

My Lord, my husband loves nothing more that laying on the freaking couch! It is his favorite thing to do after work, on a Saturday, on a Sunday, when it's raining, and when it's sunny. Give that man the time to fall down a UFC/soccer/anything Italian/comedian social media rabbit hole, and you won't see his ass for 6 hours. Like how do I live in a world where my husband has a handsfree device so he can lay on the couch, watch his phone, all while scratching his ass? I'm serious, it does exist here. OK, sure, maybe it was my Christmas gift to him, but goodness gracious never did I think it would get this amount of use! HELLO, GAG GIFT!!! Anyways, nothing irks me more than seeing his body imprint on my couch. I don't know if it is because I am jealous that I can't do that (thanks to house chores, kids, ADD, and well a beating fucking heart and working limbs) but these days the score in my house is SOFA-1 to JUS-0.

2. MR. NO-FUN-NO-MORE

Ohhhh, my sweet, romantic, fun boy, where art thou? Remember when you used to like to go out? Or have drinks with friends? Take day trips to new places? Remember when you stayed up past 10 p.m.? Even bike rides and hikes were suggested and enjoyed back in the day. I get it, we are tired, work is hard, and life is beyond expensive, but in the wise words of the great DRAKE, YOLO dude, mother freakin YOLO! Side note, that fun guy was also getting laid, just sayin'.

3. INTIMACY REQUESTS WITHOUT ANY OTHER PHYSICAL TOUCH

OK, he may get mad out this one, for it does contain a little bit TMI, but whatever, I am here to tell the truth and nothing but the truth. So, here we are, Saturday afternoon, hanging around house, not much talking (on his end because I never shut up), no plans to go out, and then he wants to know why I am not in the mood? Umm, the last physical interaction we had was when he asked me to hand him toilet paper through the door and our hands briefly touched. And no, rolling over on my arm in bed doesn't count either. Goodbye went the goodnight kisses and random cuddles. Shit, I would even take a good drive-by ass slap at this point. Women are not robots or men with boners, we require a bit of "priming". Ya know, even like an adult conversation, a handhold, oh wait, I know, a COMPLIMENT! You want to know where my sex drive is? It is buried under the dented couch cushion.

4. ACTING SHOCKED HOW I BEHAVE

Like I mentioned above, I am no saint, I have my faults and I too have changed, but again, 25-year-old me and 43-year-old me, are still kind of twinning. I was always emotional, always slightly jealous, loud, bitchy, and most definitely a little rowdy. So to act shocked when I am being irrational, drinking alone, or having a mood swing is legitimately kind of crazy, and well more his problem than mine. Could it be that maybe he is just sick of it by now? Sure, I suppose. But HELLO, we didn't get married with the hopes of changing or sucking the joy out of each other, did we? Wait, is that what I have done? Did I suck all his joy out (insert inappropriate BJ joke here), but seriously did I? Is that why I am still so fun and even possibly more AWESOME than I was back then? Ha, see, conceited then, conceited now. SAME JUS!

5. MISSING US

Awhhhhhhh, see I am not a completely rotten wife, all of this word vomit stems from something bigger, and the reason for my complaining is that I MISS US. Which is also really annoying, but I believe a good sign and I have HOPE. Hope that one day we will find our groove again. Enjoy each other's company, find new hobbies, explore, laugh, and have lots of sexy time with intentional touching first. Hope that he will want to make me happy and do all the things I want to do. Haha, but for real, we fell in love for a reason, reproduced for a few other reasons, and well now we have to grow old till death does us part. Either that or the kids are going to move out and I will probably become a lesbian, but for now, I believe we can do it!