Speak Up About Sex!

Share Your Desires...

Speak Up About Sex!

It’s a tragic shame that people will talk about their relationship and sexual desires with a friend or complete stranger who is some sort of professional, much more easily, more often and be more open and honest about all of it than they will with their significant other.

Why would you tell your friend, sister, co-worker, therapist, but you won’t tell your significant other. The person you sleep with, have sex with, have been living with for 15 years, have children with. You won’t tell them you want to get spanked but you have no trouble telling one of your friends?

Why is that? What is the problem? How does that happen?

We all do it, I'm not judging. We all do it, I do it, you do it, I know you’re doing it, stop it, well, you don’t have to stop telling your friend, we all need a confidant, someone we can share intimate details of our lives with, but we should also be sharing those same things with our primary person. Especially when what we are talking about has to do with sex with them.

We are worried about being judged right? I mean, we all know your friend at most is going to be like, “hey, you’re a freak, but whatever, so long as I don’t have to tie you up, it’s cool with me.” But your significant other, their reaction could cause serious emotional damage, stress, tension, strain on the relationship. Right?

This is what you are thinking, you say to your significant other, “oh sweetheart, listen, I would really like to (insert kinky desire here)”, and she/he says….. “GET OUT”. That’s the fear. Permanent relationship damage. Now she looks at you different, she feels different, he acts different, she throws it back in your face, he uses it during fights, she is appalled, disgusted, and on and on and on. Now, if you were to ask me, anyone that would act that way about any silly sexual desire should be left alone, which is exactly what they should be, alone. They don't deserve you. These are exaggerated responses, although I have heard of people reacting that way, it’s certainly not the normal reaction. Most of the time, if it’s negative, the person will just say, no, not for me. And that’s it.

But now, even though they didn’t make a big deal about it, you’re still thinking, she or he thinks I’m a freak, a pervert, a sick and twisted sexual mess. By the way, if you are all that, GOOD for you, I support that completely.

Now you’re insecure, you are self conscious, you are uncomfortable, you are making it out to be more than it is in your own head. They may also be struggling with whatever you told them, either way, you will be thinking that they are, which is the main issue.

But what I do know is this; You should never be ashamed of your desires, sexual or otherwise, so long as they aren’t hurting anyone else and we are talking about consenting adults. So what if he or she isn’t into it, own that shit, I like to go down on you while you fuck off on Facebook for two hours, YAY for me, YAY for you, who gives a fuck. If she isn’t into that, then she isn’t into it, but there is no reason why you should feel insecure or ashamed about it.

We don’t have this fear with our friends, especially friends that we know are open and won’t judge us. We all have these friends, hopefully, friends that you can talk to about anything, relationships, family, sex life, work, whatever it may be, and they share right back and tell you all of the slutty, dirty details. If you’re lucky, they are even freakier than you are, so then when you tell them something crazy, they aren’t at all phased, just interested and supportive because they’ve already done that and will now show you the video. There is no shame, there is no judgment and there is no fear that any of this information will ever get out and into the wrong ears. Plus, there is no worry that it will effect the relationship negatively.

But, what about actually communicating this to your significant other? Isn’t that the whole point? Do you really want to spend all of your years wishing you had done this or that but never actually doing it?

Lets see how we can tell your other person that you want to do….. whatever your sick ass wants to do.

To start with, you really shouldn’t be with someone that you feel that way about, if you are so afraid that they are going to react horribly, maybe that is not the right person for you. Also, on that same note, if you are someone that is really kinky, maybe you shouldn’t have married that Puritan dude.

But, since you are now with them, we need to be able to feel them out. So, while you are in bed, talking dirty or doing whatever the hell you people do before the really intense sex starts. You know, everyone is happy, horny, turned on, you don’t want to stop and have a serious conversation but you could certainly blurt out, I really want to have a 3 some with your sisters!

That’s probably not going to go over all that well, especially since you meant, her two sisters and not her, but either way, this was as good a time as any to share that information.

Hopefully, they will respond positively to whatever you blurt out. If it’s something like, spank me, and you want it to happen right then, well, then just say it, give it 15 seconds or so to see what he or she does with that information and jump on their lap. Most people are not going to run out of bed over some random sexual desire.

If it’s something more complex, something that you aren’t going to do right on the spot, maybe you need toys or another person, say it playfully, see what happens, you are just putting out a test drone, seeing what comes back. If it’s safe, then the next time you may want to talk while cuddling, but again, before sex if you are a woman, never after sex. If you’re a man, you can talk about these things after sex too because she won’t be sleeping and completely shut down like most men are afterwards.

If everything goes smooth, that should really be it, if necessary and you need to really shake their head a bit, then sit down outside of the bedroom and let them know you would like to discuss spicing up your sex life a bit, you have some ideas and you want to know what they think. And that’s it. Don’t put pressure, don’t have expectations, just put it out and see how they feel about it.

You can always share without making the other person feel obligated. Tell them what you fantasize about while you are diddling alone, and just let them know that this is not expected of them, you are just sharing sexy thoughts and stories. This might go over better because they won't feel pressure.

The absolute best way and everyone knows this is a set up but it’s still the best way, is to say, “Baby, is there anything you would like to do that we aren’t doing sexually? Any fantasies? Anything at all that I could do to give you more pleasure?” What are they going to do? Call you a whore and walk out. No, they are going to say, “Well, I wouldn’t mind if you” …. whatever, or they will most likely say, “No, I’m good, was there something you had in mind?” And that’s your opening. Perfect. If they just say, “No, I’m good” and walk away, congratulations, you married an asshole.

Any really negative reaction, like a serious freak out, says a lot more about them than it does about you. That’s their issue, not yours. If you are with someone that refuses to try new things, that judges you for your sexual desires, that degrades and humiliates you, unless you’re into that, then that’s cool, but if not, then that’s fucked up. Remember, they are the problem, they are not being a good partner. Being encouraging, supportive and understanding is basic relationship 101. So call them out on it if they pull that bullshit. No one should do that to someone the supposedly love and care for.

Also, you have to keep in mind that you have nothing to be ashamed about, as I said above, be confident, be bold, be all like, “hell yeah, everyone is doing it, we really need to try it out”. And if they don’t go for it, so what, don’t feel any way about it. I mean, I can understand some disappointment, but don’t feel embarrassed or uncomfortable, fuck that, you act like they are the strange one for not wanting to wear a butt plug out to dinner. “Seriously, you don’t want me to shove this large penis shaped glass butt plug into your ass? Are you sure?” “Hmmmmm, interesting.” And then look at them like they are crazy and missing out on the best thing ever.


“Really? So you didn’t want me to wear your panties? How odd.”

And then just stroll off.

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Jim Vigilante

Relationship and Sex Expert

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