Grey

chapter 1

I'm standing by baggage claim waiting for Justin and my bag. I see my bag come out and chase it for a little before someone else grabs it for me. "Oh, thanks I-" my thoughts get cut off when I look up and see it's Justin. "Justin!" I freak out and jump up and attack him with a hug.

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Dear Diary,

As I continue to walk in/promote my chocolate confidence #2020goals

It is surprising how much confusion using vague language about what we want and about our current relationship brings to others. It's more surprising to me that those who want to change up their relationship form do not seek out the meaningful distinctions that would describe the relationships they are desiring sooner. To allow you to better communicate yourself and what you're seeking, please familiarize yourself with the distinctions used in monogamous and non-monogamous if you are seeking to engage in them.

Hey people, Kai Storm is in the building and my 2020 started a bit rough yet filled with revelations and blessings. As I moved through the beginning of this awesome decade making the impossible very possible, I kept seeing one particular post on several of my social media platforms:

I lie here and I’m curious if I’m experiencing sex at its best, have I ever felt the intense feelings the body is supposed to experience.

The biological clock also knocks on men's doors and over the years they acquire new tastes under the sheets. But how do you know what kind of sex they want?

Polygamy... monogamy... three guys and me. For centuries a man having more than one woman on his arm was seen by all as the latest and greatest, the duke, the “playa playa!” I remember being in my early teens and stumbling across Def Jams “How to Be a Player” and thought to myself, “Can one really juggle that many (insert body part)?” Surely having the ability to do just that is a great skill that must not be kept for oneself. And now fast forward to today, in my late 20s, realizing that I’ve actually NEVER wanted to be in a relationship. Sure the world pushes it on you as the “norm” so you fall in line and follow suit. But after a long two years and some change in a relationship... which ended five years ago by the way, I’ve come to realize I’ve actually always been emotionally UNAVAILABLE. It’s honestly way too much work to be in a relationship only to end up out of it soon after. So now I’m right back to where I was six years ago, only now I’ve come to accept that I don’t REALLY want to be in a relationship, I just want to be entertained. So where’s my female version of “How to Be a Player?” I mean don’t get me wrong, there’s nothing wrong with having a connection with someone, but why not three someones... or more? I know as woman, they say, you’re the penetrated... not the penetrator (I hope that’s alright to say). So therefore having more than one sexual partner is frowned upon. Granted! You don’t want to be the loosely goosey of the bunch, but what if I space them out? Every two to three months?? Anyone?? All I’m saying is this, guys in general don’t like to rush into a relationship anyhow, so if the guy asks me if I'm seeing anyone? Can I just honestly answer, “Yes,” without the backlash? The moment I answered honestly, it was almost as if I was a cheater, that I have this guy over here and now want this one in front of me. When in reality neither one of us want a relationship anyhow! And no I’m not saying that I have intentions on sleeping with every guy I meet, but if one lives in Alabama, the other in California, and I live in Timbuktu, can’t I get a local friend for my local needs without the follow up scrutiny? I mean I’m being honest about all of them and I require nothing other than what they wish to give; and of course what we’re all here for either way is intimacy of the sexual kind. Does this make me a hoe? I just don’t want to deal with the emotions of falling in and out of love, it’s too much work. We can all get to know each other and be friends. And please don’t even bring emotions to the party or you’ll get kicked out!

I am on top of her, looking down at her, sweat dripping from my body, my heart finally pacing at a normal rate. There was no mercy in my eyes. My expression plain and cold. Cheryl covers her face with her hands and wipes her tears. I waited for her to say something, to tell me that what she did to me was unforgivable. I wanted to hear her say it but it took too long to come out and I was running out of patience. I climbed off the bed, satisfied by the pleasure I had, sex. I begin to put my clothes back but she grabs my arm and pulls me toward her.