How to Talk About Your Desires Without Shame

This post is for both the men and the women who read it. Men are afraid to talk about their desires and fantasies because they are afraid that their girlfriend or wife will judge them or freak out some how. Women are afraid to talk about their desires and fantasies because they are afraid that their boyfriend or husband will either think less of her or he will possibly take it too far. The sad result is that everybody stays silent, despite both of them often having similar wants and desires. Sad all around, really.

Trust in Communication is Vital

If you are in a relationship with somebody, you have to have trust in the communication between you. That fact goes far beyond sexual fantasies or desires. You have to be able to talk to your partner about anything at any time. It is worth looking into why you are afraid to talk to your partner. You may need to address the issue of having mutual trust in your communication before you can even think about going deeper into these types of topics.

Like a lot of things that people dread or worry about, chances are that the reaction will never be as bad or negative as you imagine. The longer you imagine it, worry about it, fear it, or stress about it... the more difficult it becomes and the worse and bigger it gets in your mind. The reality is probably going to be far more tame than you thought... or exciting in a positive way. If you trust your partner, and you trust in your relationship... there is no reason you can't tell your partner- the person that actually needs and wants to know- what your fantasies and your desires are.

Your Desires and Wants Don't Need Editing

Another human tendency is to downplay or slightly change something like this that we want our partner to know. Don't do that. Start by telling your partner exactly what your desires are and what the fantasy is. Chances are that it is an aspect of the whole fantasy or desire that you are craving. Your partner loves you and will likely not only enjoy talking about it with you, but will be happy to find a way to give you what you want. They may even have at least an aspect of that same fantasy that plays into one of their fantasies.

A great example is that many women actually have rape fantasies. They don't want the violence or the violation... they want the intensity and the rush, but in a controlled way and with someone they love and trust. Most of those same women are afraid to tell their partners that they have that fantasy, or at least have though or considered it. They think it is sick, disturbing, or any number of other things. They are afraid that their man will judge them or get turned off by it. In truth, a little communication with him and at least you may end up with something hot and sexy that give you the part of the fantasy you want, without the negative and horrible parts. Talk it out and figure out what it is about that fantasy that you are turned on by... then the two of you can figure out how to include it in your sex life.

"No" is a Full Answer and Compromise is Sexy

Of course, there are some situations that are pretty straight forward and your partner may have a hard "no" to the idea. First off, remember that if your partner says no, that two letter word is a complete answer. Don't guilt them for it or get angry. Be honest about what you want and allow them to respond how they will. You can always ask them if they will consider it a while before making up their mind, nothing wrong with that. However, if they give it some thought and still say "no" then that is your final answer. You need to accept it.

Having said that, you can always ask if you can discuss an alternative or a compromise for it. No, I don't mean a trade of favors or something to guilt-trip them or bribe them into doing what you want, that they don't want or aren't comfortable with. Not that. I mean discuss if there is a way that you can get close to that thing or similar to that thing that doesn't include the part or parts that they don't approve of.

Timing and Respect

Of course, timing is a thing, don't forget that. There is a time and place to bring up your fantasies and desires with your partner. Make sure you are both in a situation that allows you to be engaged in the moment and in the conversation. No, that doesn't mean interrupt something they enjoy (watching tv, yoga, whatever) and demand their attention. That never works well. If you need to, ask them ahead of time something like "I have something I want to talk with your about. It isn't bad. When do you think we can have some time to discuss it today?" Maybe even word it like, "I have something sexy I want to talk over with you today. When do you think you'll have some time to discuss it with no distractions?" Obviously, your tone of voice will matter a lot here too. Be sure to ask it in a pleasant or at least non-dreadful or dramatic way. That way your partner knows that it really is just a discussion you want to have and not you accusing them or something toxic to the relationship.

It all comes down to realizing you and your partner are in this thing together and you need to trust your relationship, your partner, and the communication between you. If you can't do that... maybe rethink or work on the relationship more first. You respect them. They respect you. You both respect the relationship. Humans have desires, and that includes you and your partner. Talk and respect one another and you'll be surprised how much better your relationship gets...and the sex.