Don't Ask For Sex On First Date

There seems to be an assumption that if you go on a first date, then sex should be a part of it, and if a woman or a man refuses then they don't really want a relationship.

And this has happened on most first dates with someone I have expressed an interest in, in the past, whether female or male.

I remember the very early part of 1997 before I met the man I married. I went on a first date with a man who I was interested in as a person. I just wanted to have a little fun dancing, playing games, having a coffee (I'm not big on alcohol), and just chatting. The night went well and we were getting to know each other better. We had a good time with lots of laughs, however;

He jumped to the assumption that, that one date was going to mean going straight to the bedroom, yet while we were chatting he had made it clear that he was looking for someone to get to know well before sex.

I made it perfectly clear to him from before the start of the date that I wasn't the type of woman who would jump into bed with him straight after the first date. I had explained that I like to take things slow for the first few weeks of a relationship and get to know the man or woman that I was dating before sex came into question.

He was ok with this before we dated, then when we got home I asked him to leave because he was pressuring me for sex.

This happened with a few women I had dated in the past too, then when I reinforced my boundaries, they decided that I was boring because I wouldn't have sex with them straight away.

I understand that to some people a night of sex and fun on a one night stand is what they want to enjoy, and I believe that is an individual preference. However, not everybody wants that, and if the person you are dating has made it clear to you that they won't have sex on a first date then it is only fair that you are honest about what you are really looking for from the start.

During those days when I was free and ready to date again, I wasn't looking for anything too serious and I wasn't ready for sex. I had been through a lot of trauma which I was always open about once I trusted my date enough to tell them. I had to go through a process of learning to trust and love again before I could even think about sex, and I have never been the type of person who would have sex on a first date with anyone.

When I first met my husband, we spent a good few weeks just going out and getting to know each other well. Of course we kissed and cuddled often, but that was all part of learning to feel completely comfortable with each other.

I want to highlight those words 'completely comfortable,' because they are important.

Listen.

If the person you are dating has made it perfectly clear to you that they would like sex on a first date, then as long as you are both comfortable with that, that is fine. However, if someone has made it clear to you from the start that they do not want sex on a first date, then if you really like that person (and even if you decide you don't) then you should respect their wishes.

Forcing sex onto anyone who says no is harrassment, and trying to have sex without consent comes under the contexts of rape, sexual assault, and sexual harrassment, depending on how you approach it.

When someone has told you from the start that they do not want sex on the first date, and you try to push them into it; you are manipulating them into doing something that they are uncomfortable with.

This will not make the person that you are dating feel comfortable with you, and it certainly will not gain their trust.

Dating is supposed to be a fun way of getting to know somebody who you really like with the potential of future dates and maybe more later.

However, it can really turn a person off if you try to push them into doing something they really do not want to do straight away.

Healthy dating is:

• Respectful of each others wants, needs and wishes.

• Acknowleding each others wants, needs and wishes.
• Making each other feel comfortable with saying no to anything they do not want.

Taking the time to get to know each other.

• Respecting the time that both of you need for the relationship to progress.

• Having fun in a safe way.

• Making clear and understanding what each other really wants from the date.

Respecting consent.

If you follow these rules on a first date and even on a one-night stand, then both parties will feel comfortable enough to have fun together.

Remember sex is a choice, not something either party has to have, and the choices of any individual involved must be respected at all times.