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Robots Lack Umami

You've done it now, Israel.

By The Rogue ScribePublished 4 months ago 3 min read
Credit: aditkelontong

Speaking of the Antichrist and its followers, more Godless heathens over at an Israeli food company have achieved what fallible men of science have failed to do for 30 consecutive years: piss me off.

3D-Printed. Fish. Fillets.

Sushi chefs are rolling in their sushi boat graves right now.

Why are people so obsessed with taking beautiful, edible gifts of nature and Frankenstein them into something else?

Seriously, what's the main objective of growing animals in labs to eat? Someone needs to start talking.

First, it's because it's "healthier", then it's because it's "moral". Now, it's because "let's save Nemo and piss the Rogue Scribe off".

Ugh. This article comes from Reuters.

The fish in question are "Groupers" - which are apparently an endangered or "dwindling" population. REMEMBER THIS.

Look at this monstrosity.

That looks like a cyst. Don't get me started on the nails.

These heretics even went as far as trying to shape it as if it came from a real fish... But has anyone ever seen such a "sectional" fillet? It looks like a f*cking Minecraft icon for a fish.

Like Windows 98 fish.

It looks like an actual bar of soap.

You could stick this in a girl's bathroom and she wouldn't be able to tell the difference.

Clean out your ****s.

People actually ate this. These people don't have very long before they mutate into a Grouper and die.

Is that the goal? To turn people into Grouper fish to solve the issue of a "dwindling" population? You know, actually, the dish doesn't look too bad. In fact, it's good to know that Fugu isn't the only fish that will kill me if I eat it.

I mean, look at this. Doesn't this make your ***hole mouth water?

They say: "The process is simpler than beef but there are some disadvantages."

What Do You Mean "SOME" Disadvantages?

1. They don't know much about working with fish. Don't hold your breath on when progress will be made. Could be months, could be centuries. By that time, the real fish won't be endangered anymore and this whole thing would become a non-problem.

2. They have to figure out what the "cells" like to "eat". Because the actual fish wasn't doing a good enough job eating on its own - now we have to TRAIN its CELLS how to f*cking eat... Also, ew. What does the "cell" diet consist of...? (Don't answer that.)

3. The number of scientists working on Fish Stem Cem Biology is low in comparison to those working with human and animal stem cells. Yeah... I can't wait to taste 3D-printed humans... You KNOW someone is already trying this somewhere. I don't put anything past these people.

In fact, I'm calling it right now; quote me on this: Someone, somewhere, is going to 3D-Print a human-meat steak and eat it. This wouldn't surprise me. Nothing surprises me anymore.

4. It's not ALL fish. Cell cultivation is more expensive than traditional seafood. So the fish is being "diluted" with plant-based ingredients. In short: You're getting robbed at fin point.

Speaking of points, remember this first point? This company has invested I don't know how many millions of dollars into R&D teams, research, trial and error, and they're focusing on "saving" endangered fish populations by recreating them in a lab...

I don't speak Hebrew but how do you say...


If it's endangered, leave it alone for a while, let it f*ck, and then eat it again. No research needed. No "saving" needed. No money spent. It's the natural order of things.

Were you THAT hungry and impatient that you couldn't let nature take its course so you could enjoy "Groupers" again without resorting to engineering this iRobot fillet?

Also, have you considered the hundreds of other delicious sea creatures there are for you to eat without hiring an entire company to CTRL+C some on your plate?

Am I the only one who's not willing to pay $300 for SEGA Fish Nuggets?

What is the matter with you? Why are you like this?

Listen, I don't totally hate you... But you have to stop doing ASSC-type experiments and let nature be nature. Yes, we're the dominant species. Yes, we can enjoy tasty animals, and if you don't like to eat animals, that's fine, more for us.

But don't start printing them. Leave the fish alone.

Stick to printing useful things, like prosthetics, houses, and money. Print me some money, bro.

There's plenty of food to go around, we don't need to get all McGyver with it. If something is low on supply, go to the next thing and come back later. Or eat grass and seeds all your life, I don't know.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to eat a real rogue fish.

Swim to you later.

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About the Creator

The Rogue Scribe

Writer. Narrator. Author of 'The Art of Patience, Gratitude & Courage'.

I share fresh, fantastical, and sobering stories that either celebrate or challenge this wild world. Go rogue with me, and subscribe to support my wordsmithing.

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