Food industry and celebrity satire presented by Feast.
- Runner-Up in Summer Camp Challenge
An Open Letter to the British Sunshine
Dear British Sunshine, I know you're shy. I get it - I'm shy too. That's why I'm writing this letter instead of screaming at you from my backyard. But if you could challenge your shyness just long enough to stay out in the open for an entire afternoon so that we can have our annual British barbecue, I'd be ever so grateful.
The Summer of Mango
I grew up in Northern Australia. There are so many different things that remind me of Summer: water skiing, beaches, holidays. But if you ask for one food that reminds me of Summer, it’s the mango all day, every day. The climate there was perfect for growing mangoes, and so much of Northern Australian culture surrounds the mango, there is the Big Mango, songs like ‘Mango Shade’ by Graeme Connors, and culinary delicacies aplenty.
Carnival Food Will Kill Me
I was diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis at the age of 11, it was not a fun time. I didn’t actually find out that it was sudden onset arthritis that had me laying in the hospital bed for a week with 105 degree temp because my body went into shock until about 10 years after the fact. My parents did not tell me because they simply thought I knew, jokes on them. I was thinking about how to exploit this situation to get McDonald’s for dinner.
The Revealing Secret Affair with Joe
It’s hard to keep my hands off of Joe. There is something about him that fires me up and gets me hot under the collar. Seeing him positioned in the far corner of the coffee bar waiting for me, I know he’ll be steamy in no time.
SPAM for the restaurant critic on table 22
When a waiter positions a squid ink wafer bedecked with macerated prawns and radish purée in front of me, I can’t help but smile and wonder.
“Jarvis” the AI Content Genius Is A Terrible Cook
It began late Tuesday night. Recipe submissions began dropping into my inbox thicker than thieves. As co-editor of the food publication Kitchen Tales, all drafts between Tuesday and Thursday are in my charge. But they just kept coming-a dozen and counting.
Stop Calling It "Cheese Pizza"
I think I had just about enough of this for one lifetime. First of all, I’m not the biggest fan of dairy as opposed to every person I’ve ever met. I’m not 100% against it but I can safely say it’s approximately 99.97%. For the most part, the thought of it alone makes my blood curdle and gives me stinky foot vibes. Gross.
Crackers, Caffeine, Cattle, Chickens, Cabernet, and Chocolate; The Ultimate C Diet
I'm starting to eat foods that begin with a C or fall into a C category. I call it my C Diet. There are a lot of foods that begin with C, not so much D, F, E, or T.
A Truly Mouthblowing Culinary Experience in the Dretches of Europe
When I started my career in dining critique, or as they laymen call it, “reviewing food”, I never imagined all the twists and turns the job would take me on. Whether it was being yelled at by the staff at my local gastropub over my first negative review, the long-lines at foreign airports on my way to the next artisanal farmhouse, bed-and-and-breakfast, or beachside eatery, even all my chance encounters with celebrities, I could not be more thankful for the opportunity to dictate the world’s palette one sentence at a time.
The War On Chickens
WAR... War never changes... Truer words were never spoken, however... before you gloss over a seemingly innocent picture of a chicken in a coop, consider this; What did the chicken do to get life in prison? It had to be something serious. Something sinister. Something heinous. Murder. That's the kind of stuff I'm talking about. Serious stuff. We're in the middle of a war here people and most don't even realize what's going on! Idiots! Sheeple! Everyone just going about their daily business as if nothing's wrong... But that's how they get ya!
“Eat your beets,” demanded my mother, “or you cannot have dessert.” And so began my lifelong struggle to make peace with, if not love, vegetables. Let me explain here. My entire childhood knowledge of vegetables was that they came from a can. Except for basic salad ingredients ( i.e. lettuce, tomatoes, cucumbers), I never met a fresh vegetable as I was growing up, and although frozen vegetables were around at that time ( 1960's), I never saw them in my house either.
IT Started With Ice Cream
It started with ice cream. For as many years as I can remember, I would buy three half-gallon boxes of ice cream for my family of 3. A variety of flavors, so each of us could eat what we liked. One-half gallon = 64 oz. I understand that three half gallons is a lot of ice cream, but my family far exceeded the average U.S. yearly ice cream consumption of 5 ½ gallons per person. I didn’t say I was proud of it; I’m just giving you the facts.