Food industry and celebrity satire presented by Feast.
Understanding the Crock-pot
I’m here today to get something off my chest...something that’s been eating away at me through weeks of tedium, months of quarantine, and years on a presidential rollercoaster of which I cannot seem to get off.
A Peculiar Green
The sisters had not seen Tiffany for a few months now and they were excited to finally be making another trip to Millbrae. Tiff was a dear college friend of Jenna, the older of the sisters, and had moved to the Bay Area a few years ago with her husband and two young children. The younger sister, Minnie, was especially looking forward to the visit; she would be bringing her new boyfriend with her, and she was eager for Tiff to meet him and find out what she thought of him.
I loathe bacon. Don't come for me.
I first tried bacon when I was 22. Years and years of build-up, lusting, wanting, yearning, apprehension, curiosity, temptation, envy...for this? Wow. What an underwhelming page of my brief earthly encounter. We might as well file this uneventful chapter under a misc. label, tucked away deep within the appendices of the book of my life. For those of you lucky enough to still reside in the bacon abstinence party (oh how I long for those simpler days), let me elaborate on my first impressions of this overrated cured concoction. It’s like strawberry sour straps if MTV’s Punk’d lurked behind the camera of a faux car accident designed to scare the living daylight out of you. It’s most definitely not the teeth-tickling, cavity-creating, faultlessly-manufactured, strawberry-flavored candy that makes your saliva flow over your warm tongue with that classic sweet-and-sour balance. What it actually is? Eerily edible-looking. I assure you, it’s not. The experience was underwhelming at best. Uncomfortably chewy. Salty in a way that makes your kidneys shrivel up. Heavy enough for your liver to let out a high-pitched shriek as it stores yet another unnecessary fat cell into your body. Topped with a surreptitiously obscene level of mammalian grease coating your mouth and lingering inside your throat for hours after the traumatic episode.
Just looking at this photo makes me think of otherworldly things that should not be consumed into the human mouth. Period.
Strawberry Ice Cream Sucks
Strawberry ice cream is one of the few popular favorite flavors around the world, but in my opinion, it sucks. This may sound like a simple little opinion because it's ice cream, not a topic people seriously talk about on a day to day basis, but I don't hate this flavor only on its taste. When I was young, I was constantly traumatized by this so-called "tasty'' treat so many people love consuming as a delightful dessert. I mean out of all the wacky and more tasteful ice cream flavors people could pick from, they pick the basic artificial pink strawberry ice cream. I mean strawberries aren't even pink! Not all of the different ice cream brands that make strawberry ice cream can’t even make it taste like strawberries. Next time when you have it, think about the taste and compare it to a real strawberry. It can’t compare to its delicious flavor. Besides the point, I would like to provide some experiences that make my blood boil from this flavor than just saying why the taste of the flavor is bad. My hatred for strawberry ice cream began around my 7th birthday. My mother thought it would be a "cool" idea to throw an ice cream party theme. When I was little, I was completely obsessed with ice cream and didn't care for strawberry ice cream at the time. At that age, I didn't have a big imagination or infatuation for anything kids usually liked so it was understandable she threw the party around ice cream something I adore which is rare. So it was a normal party until my mom decided to take a step further to hire a person in a costume. Do you know those Elsa and Elmo costumes in New York? Yeah, imagine that, but it's an ice cream cone. Sounds innocent, but the costumes face had the most demonic, evil, and scariest face possible. Of course, I screamed and cried along with the other party members because at our age seeing something so delicious switch to demonic you might have done the same. You are probably wondering what flavor this costume had. Strawberry. I don't remember the events after seeing it come to us, but I remember crying in my room and that was all. So I believe this is where my hatred for this flavor came from. Though that's not the only experience as shortly after this I was told something about ice cream. "Strawberry Ice cream is poisonous and if you eat it, you would be in bed throwing up for weeks!". A classmate who I think attended my birthday and saw my tantrum had told me this information. Me being young believed this due to past experiences and the color of the ice cream wasn't helping as it was pink. I wasn't upset because I don't eat or like strawberry Ice cream, but it was until someone's birthday came up. It was at school and they had gotten an "ice cream" cake. I was really happy and wanted a piece due to my love for ice cream. I asked what flavor this cake was and they responded with vanilla with pink frosting. I asked this due to the ice cream color being off as the ice cream color was pink, but I guess the frosting and ice cream just mixed into pink because it was melting. When I received my slice and took a bite I knew this wasn’t true this was.. strawberry ice cream. She mixed up telling me the flavors and I thought she was trying to poison us all. Of course, me being the "hero", I screamed at everyone it was strawberry poison and that they spit it out immediately. Yelling poison over and over at the top of my lungs at everyone. Other parents were there and weren't happy and kids were screaming and crying. This incident almost reached the chaos of my birthday with the ice cream cone man in the costume. Well, I think it exceeded it really far as I think cops were involved, but of course, I wasn't caught due to all the other children screaming poison with me.. for fun? Though like everyone I grew up and realize things aren't true, monsters aren't real, and etc. I even gave strawberry Ice cream another try and yeah I still don't like it. Though that's just my opinion and experience I think it's unpopular because I don't think a lot of people on this earth will have these horrible experiences with an ice cream flavor nor hate an ice cream flavor as much as me. Well, no one even talks about how the color and taste are far from the flavor it was based on. -fin
The art of eating a Cheese String.
Prepare your torches , prepare your pitch forks because I have a controversial statement that society needs to hear. I bite my cheese strings.....
Ben & Jerry's Ice Cream is so Fucking Good.
Ice cream is good, right? Like, ice cream is really good. Yeah, okay, it isn't very good for you and can give you a bRAiN FrEEze, but fuck all that you pussies, that's not what this is about. This is about how scrum-diddily-umptious ice cream is, and ESPECIALLY when we are talking about the East side short kings: Ben & Jerry.
Brunch Is The Devil’s Meal
It’s late Sunday morning. I’m standing in the entrance of a restaurant overflowing with other Millennials and (dear god, now) Zoomers waiting for the weekly sacrament. The Sacrament of Brunch.
Ketchup is disgusting.
Have you ever purchased a nice juicy burger from Wendy's, A&W, or McDonald's, as is, no questions asked, only to have your taste buds shriek in disgust when ketchup oozes out of your first bite?
Stuck in a Checkout Line with an Urge to Scream
Some days I just run out of luck. The milk had been guzzled by the kids and I’m forced to drink black tea. The bread had been torn to bits by the three year old who thought fun was making mini missiles she could launch around the breakfast table.
Why I NEEDED to Spend $3,000 on this Dolce Gabbana Kitchen Set
When I was a kid and balked at eating lima beans, which have been mysteriously misclassified as ‘food’, my Mother would say, “There are kids starving in Africa (Chile, China, California) who would love to eat those lima beans!”
Marvin Makes A Sandwich
One July happened to contain a Tuesday afternoon that was indeed remarkable only for its unremarkability. But as is all too often proved, dullness can be more offensive than any incident of a chaotic nature. As with dullness, order and subjugation are the unnatural order of the day.