Food industry and celebrity satire presented by Feast.
an open letter to the coffee I left on the counter
I am truly, deeply sorry for leaving you like that. I would understand if you could never forgive me. I abandoned you… half empty, but so full of promises. As I am realizing the error of my ways, it feels only right to speak my peace. To mend what can be healed of this heartbreak. For surely, it is mutual.
I drive my husband insane in a multitude of ways but grocery shopping with me is always an interesting experience for that man.
The Wrath of Schwarzwälder Kirschtorte
Under the light of the full moon an ancient witch worked feverishly at a campfire beneath her cauldron. The temperature, the ingredients, the sacrificial dagger, all had to just right for her truly naughty machinations. Before the deed could be done she had to finish adjusting her camera. When the equipment was set and the lighting was stable, she stepped behind her pot and tapped her gnarled wood staff against the earth.
The Meat, the Bones, and the Skin
I grew up on meat. Bacon, ham, or sausage for breakfast. Choose your pig. Baloney and raw hot dogs as a kid. Fourth of July roasts. Coneys, kielbasa, Lit'l Smokies, oh my.
Coffee, Carbs and Candy
My relationship with food has been a rocky one at best. Anorexic in high school and again in college, I've yo-yoed between a size 2 and a size 16 many times throughout my life. The times where I've been at a healthy weight for my size has never been achieved in a healthy manner because healthy foods simply do not interest me.
I’ve had a contentious relationship with tuna fish pretty much since I was born. It was a favorite of my father’s, and he would eat it with homemade “Russian dressing,” aka ketchup and mayonnaise… a horrible goopy pink that still makes me want to hurl when I think about it.
Mad Masala: Curry Road
No less than twenty muscled, leather-headed mutant men gathered on the hills at their master’s call. All drove through the dead grass on spiked motorcycles or combine harvesters, save for the crazed woman who had somehow brought a twenty-one stone, mutant, blood-lusted stag under her power. There were murmurings in the crowd when they first gathered, but all were silenced when their leader, a giant over two and a half meters and garbed in nothing but a loincloth and a cricket helmet, took his place before them.
10 Things To Do With Bread
Are you tired of buying bread at full price just so it can take up cabinet space and spoil a few days later? Are you not craving a grilled cheese or turkey sandwich every other meal? If you answered with an exhausted “yes...” then this may very well be the breaking news you’ve been waiting for. Here are the top 10 things to do with bread so you can feel better about not eating an entire loaf in one sitting.
The Rise of Ninja Toast
AUTHOR'S NOTE: This piece was written over 10 years ago when I was in high school. I decided to post it here for a) a way to not lose it and b) to see how much my writing has improved since then. I hope anyone who reads this will get a chuckle from it. I plan on re-writing this piece in the near future. Please enjoy!
Witchy Kitchy with Mad Missy Mildred
Witchy Kitchy with Mad Missy Mildred A Play by Michael Joseph Tharnish Roby Characters: MILDRED: Female. A witch, mid 50’s in age. Runs the cooking program Witchy Kitchy. Though the character is female, a male may play the role with an exaggerated British falsetto if desires.
What do famous fruit and vegetables want to tell us?
Vegetables first: Mr Cucumber, please. What is the most important thing you would like to communicate to people? WE ARE NOT VEGETABLES! We are proud to belong to the gourd family. We grow from flowers and contain seeds; therefore, botanically I am a fruit!
It's a (COVID) Date
“It’s tonight! It’s tonight! It’s tonight!” exclaimed Mackenzie, excitedly, as she hit her alarm button waking her up and danced in her bed excitedly.