Food industry and celebrity satire presented by Feast.
IT Started With Ice Cream
It started with ice cream. For as many years as I can remember, I would buy three half-gallon boxes of ice cream for my family of 3. A variety of flavors, so each of us could eat what we liked. One-half gallon = 64 oz. I understand that three half gallons is a lot of ice cream, but my family far exceeded the average U.S. yearly ice cream consumption of 5 ½ gallons per person. I didn’t say I was proud of it; I’m just giving you the facts.
Future Black Slime in Refrigerator Crisper Purchased at Local Grocery
Future black slime in refrigerator crisper, currently known as green onions, were purchased at a local grocery today by neighborhood resident Ted Stephens. “I’m making Pad Thai for my girlfriend for dinner tonight and need the green onions for a garnish and to give a little color to the dish” he said when asked about his decision to purchase the future pile of oozing black mush at the bottom of his refrigerator vegetable crisper. Despite a very poor track record of using any green vegetable purchased for any meal Mr. Stephens suggested this time would be differing saying “look, I know I don’t exactly have a reputation as the biggest vegetable fan, and I have, on occasion, left a head of broccoli or lettuce in the crisper for over a month, throwing them away only when the smell from the slowly putrefying sludge like black mass became too much to bear. But, this time is going to be different. I swear. Besides, onions aren’t really a vegetable. Right? Are they a fruit then? You know I don’t actually know.”
an open letter to the coffee I left on the counter
I am truly, deeply sorry for leaving you like that. I would understand if you could never forgive me. I abandoned you… half empty, but so full of promises. As I am realizing the error of my ways, it feels only right to speak my peace. To mend what can be healed of this heartbreak. For surely, it is mutual.
The Wrath of Schwarzwälder Kirschtorte
Under the light of the full moon an ancient witch worked feverishly at a campfire beneath her cauldron. The temperature, the ingredients, the sacrificial dagger, all had to just right for her truly naughty machinations. Before the deed could be done she had to finish adjusting her camera. When the equipment was set and the lighting was stable, she stepped behind her pot and tapped her gnarled wood staff against the earth.
Mad Masala: Curry Road
No less than twenty muscled, leather-headed mutant men gathered on the hills at their master’s call. All drove through the dead grass on spiked motorcycles or combine harvesters, save for the crazed woman who had somehow brought a twenty-one stone, mutant, blood-lusted stag under her power. There were murmurings in the crowd when they first gathered, but all were silenced when their leader, a giant over two and a half meters and garbed in nothing but a loincloth and a cricket helmet, took his place before them.
10 Things To Do With Bread
Are you tired of buying bread at full price just so it can take up cabinet space and spoil a few days later? Are you not craving a grilled cheese or turkey sandwich every other meal? If you answered with an exhausted “yes...” then this may very well be the breaking news you’ve been waiting for. Here are the top 10 things to do with bread so you can feel better about not eating an entire loaf in one sitting.
The Rise of Ninja Toast
AUTHOR'S NOTE: This piece was written over 10 years ago when I was in high school. I decided to post it here for a) a way to not lose it and b) to see how much my writing has improved since then. I hope anyone who reads this will get a chuckle from it. I plan on re-writing this piece in the near future. Please enjoy!
Witchy Kitchy with Mad Missy Mildred
Witchy Kitchy with Mad Missy Mildred A Play by Michael Joseph Tharnish Roby Characters: MILDRED: Female. A witch, mid 50’s in age. Runs the cooking program Witchy Kitchy. Though the character is female, a male may play the role with an exaggerated British falsetto if desires.
What do famous fruit and vegetables want to tell us?
Vegetables first: Mr Cucumber, please. What is the most important thing you would like to communicate to people? WE ARE NOT VEGETABLES! We are proud to belong to the gourd family. We grow from flowers and contain seeds; therefore, botanically I am a fruit!
It's a (COVID) Date
“It’s tonight! It’s tonight! It’s tonight!” exclaimed Mackenzie, excitedly, as she hit her alarm button waking her up and danced in her bed excitedly.
Do Not Eat This Book
Dearest reader, Please forgive my forwardness. It has been a long and difficult recovery, one in which I almost did not endure. My bones are weak. My muscles tight from atrophy. Every nerve ending surging with endless sparks of painful energy. And I have no one to blame but myself. Except, maybe Aubrey.
Game Day Buffet, the rise of champions amongst snacks
When the buffet is another game day endzone The fall begins the playoffs in any sports kitchen across America. When the gastronomical fortitude of any couch and armchair player's prowess is tested against an array of sturdy disposable plates and hardy handy wipes. The lean summer gut is again replenished with barley suds and an assortment of fat-laden and sugar-loaded gourmet delights. A seasonal appreciation of regional delicacies that begin to encompass the cultural diaspora of ethnicities that encompass an American past time, a Sunday football spread.