On the Edge to Darkness

I feel like losing myself. I feel like falling into this drug that is you. You stay dormant in my head in front of the King of nightmares. You are holding keys to my heart that I fight to have. I opened my life to you only to find more wounds to be dug deeper. This drug feels so familiar. Like a drug that makes you an addict. I don’t know why or how to stop. I took a break and found a way to stop. I even moved on to a different type of drug just to erase you. Still, you emerge as if a lost soul looking for grievances.

Trapped in darkness, a survivor has extended their truth. Their home and guidance to this soul that’s lost. You feel parts of bliss that make you see your fire. The part of you where your soul is most vital. That child that’s been hiding from the world. So deep in levels of darkness that in moments of weakness, he reaches out, only to have folks come in when I’ve already given in. I gave it my all to wait and have someone save me. Save me from this darkness that I’ve become. The pain and hurt, in which I yearn for what I can't have.

The Addiction

This so-called love yourself and protect you from the pains of life has saturated this brain to live a dark season. A level in which every main character has to go through to be broken to no return. To find that last hope where you, yourself have found when you’ve given up all that was taken from you. When you let go of fighting for your voice and understanding. You put yourself in such mental darkness that it takes all of your beings to find your light. Your beacon of hope. Darkness after darkness where each level is a reminder of how I’ve fallen. Fallen from grace or fallen from my sense of self.

Guilty to trust those that have done me wrong. Guilty to make choices for me at the cost of family and people close. Giving in to the darkness I’ve been fighting my whole life. Give in to that part of me nobody likes. Feeling succumbed to regret and resentment. Happiness that’s derived from self-hatred. Forgotten love and urge to prove those right when they were wrong. Succumb to the drug and overdose. Feelings of resentment, fear, and shame creep up as I feel the worst might happen. Every main character goes through a dark side right? A season where they turn evil. Where they give in to the dark. Become brainwashed or fall back into the arms of the one that further pushed you down.

The Obsession

I want to fall into the darkness. I want to feel that power that the main characters felt when they’ve fallen. When they’ve given themselves to the thing they’ve been fighting their life against. Wondering what it feels like to give up fighting and just free fall into the abyss.

Have that season of tragedy and eternal force. That dark willow moment from Buffy or the supreme king story from Yugioh GX. When you give into the darkness, will you feel lighter or maybe just numb to pain? Will the ones you put so much faith in, come back after? Unknown of their trust and loyalty. Ready to put it all on the line for a taste of freedom?

Distrotion

So close to the edge that I wish that person will come to me. Not to stop me but to push me over the edge. Prove their loyalty and faith in me. I don’t want to hurt but I fear this might be me. An Angel born from chaos, that’s an anomaly. A contradiction that won’t be understood but easily denied. A slave to the darkness that's rejected.

Will all of this become reality, or will just a hit of smoke drift me to dreamland where I wake up to a new day? Having the brain self sort the feelings that plagued me the night before. Wake up as if it was all a nightmare, a dream from my subconscious that was trying to show me something. Maybe there’s a light or power within that will light the way. A gift I’ve tapped into before but abandoned for exploration, for a chance at experience.