Healing F**king Hurts sometimes

As this year comes to a close I am reflecting not only on my year, but also my almost 3 years on Vocal. I reached 1202 reads the other day and I just wanted to thank everyone that has supported me over these last few years. I came to Vocal to journal my life, and things I was going through at the time, and am still going through now. I wish I would have wrote more on here, not just about my life but just about anything and everything. Anyways I just wanted to take time to reflect on a few pieces I've written and make some updates on them. I hope for anyone that might be struggling with any of these topics can find some comfort in not being alone.

"The minute you think of giving up,

think of the reason why you held on so long"

The first entry I ever wrote on here was in April of 2021 called 55 days Sober. I've was struggling to quit or cut back on my alcohol consumption. I wanted to write out my feelings and hopefully let one person know that they aren't alone. Then a year later I wrote Alcohol my Old Friend which I talk about my fall back into drinking and how it was worse than it had ever been. A few days after posting this I ended up meeting a guy who was struggling with his addiction and we began talking helping each other escape our demons.

I didn't realize it then, or maybe I did but I was in denial. But that relationship and the toxicity surrounding it caused my drinking to increase. This person took literally everything from me to the point I am now living back at my parents because I was drained financially due to him. Needless to say I am still drinking, and I'm still wanting to try to stop or cut back. My biggest realization since starting this journey is how in depth it goes. How the people I surround myself by has a influence, the way I chose to handle a situation, the thoughts in my head. How socially acceptable alcohol is and it feels more uncomfortable to be asked why I am not drinking than to just drink. I'm learning that healing is rough sometimes, it's not all butterflies and rainbows. I am still working on healthy coping mechanisms and training my brain to want something other than alcohol to deal with pain. It's a battle I know that I will always face but I am hoping as years progress it will be a little easier.

With the holiday's here I just wanted to let everyone that is going through this journey or something similar that you're not alone. There's no perfect solution or way of doing things, so just make sure to take things one day at a time. A set back is just that, a set back. It doesn't discredit your progress, but it's a teacher and stepping stone for your journey. We got this!

“Just believe in yourself. Even if you don’t, just pretend that you do and at some point, you will.” – Venus Williams

The next post I want to talk about is "The beginning of a New Fitness Journey." One of our fellow creators actually commented on this post of mine recently, even though it's a few years old now. They said they hoped I went ahead and chose to do my vlogs, and hoped I was doing well. Fitness is something I really truly want to get back into. This like any other journey comes with many bumps in the road. I wish more people talked about that. For years I was extremely motivated, and I thought I had finally cracked the code. But when your mental health and life gets in the way it becomes very easy to lose that motivation and habit. That is what has happened to me, and right now I feel so deep in the thick of it that getting out and starting over feels like too much.

At the end of the day though I know that these are excuses that I am making for myself, and if I truly want it I will do it. To start believing in myself and completing the goals I set and dreams I chase instead of letting the voice in my head make me believe I can't. Or that I am not good enough, and what I am doing doesn't matter. I hope that once I do make my workout comeback I can motivate someone to start as well. Rather they are starting over, or just beginning. I want to share my whole story with fitness from beginning to now.

"A first love always occupies a special place."

The last one I want to update on, more for myself than anyone, is the post 21 years too late. I wrote this back in October when I came back in contact with my high school sweetheart. At the time I was just going through a breakup with the guy who took everything from me. I wasn't prepared for my high school sweetheart to even be single, let alone for him to give me an apology. I was so defensive and thinking that everything he was saying was a lie just like my ex. Of course when we were kids he did hurt me, and I think in the time of us talking I couldn't see past something that happened all those years ago.

In the time of writing it I was not looking at all the ways he had changed, and only looking at the small ways in which he hadn't. I was so stuck on someone that didn't want me that I was too blind to see that he wanted to help me, and make up for how he treated me. We did end up seeing each other for the first time in 20 years. For the most part things went really well, it was almost as if no time had past. But in my true fashion I began pushing him away because I assumed he was going to hurt me. We aren't talking now, and I can't put my ego aside enough to try as I fear rejection from him. Our whole relationship is changed now after 20 years, and I don't know how to navigate it.

All this to say I am writing this with hopes that, even if I can't fix things with him that I can learn to allow love in and not worry about the hurt. To to stop pushing everyone away from me, and allow them to help me. Most importantly let the past be the past, and stop living in it hoping that somehow I'll be able to change it. Its a trait that I dislike most about myself, but I think the past is comfortable because I know it happened and how it happened. Where as the future is so uncertain, but I want to find the beauty I once found in the unknown.

"The best time for new beginnings is now."

I hope that everyone has a fun and safe new year. I am not one for new years resolutions as I feel like once I fail one time I give up on it all together. However I hope by this time next year, no matter what life throws my way, I will be in a happier place. I hope that I am a happier and healthier version of myself. I want to be at least working on some part of my novel or maybe even be close to finishing the first book. Lastly I really hope that I am in a happy and healthy relationship. For the first time in a long time it's something I truly want. I don't want to be alone anymore, I want to share my life with someone. Next year I hope to be re reading this post while the love of my life sits next to me.

I hope everyone's dreams and goals happen next year and that we are all in a happier place, and that this world is in a happier state. Until next time everyone!