21 years too Late

At some point in most of our lives we've been heartbroken by someone. That can be a parent, relative, sibling, friend, or romantic partner. Or all of the above. In many of these situations we never receive any type of closer. Leaving us to hold on to the pain, and find ways to bring ourselves closer without actually receiving it from the ones that hurt us. I am a master at burying feelings, so I never really deal with anything. That is probably why I didn't realize I needed this apology, but with so much happening in my life lately the universe just keeps throwing me curve balls. I feel it's all part of my healing journey honestly.

A few days ago I had this feeling, intuition, whatever you want to call it to reach out to an ex of mine from high school. We met when we were 15 years old. I had just moved from my dads to my moms, which was 3 hours away right after my freshman year and he had just moved there as well. I was walking home from school one day and he was in the car with his grandpa and he just handed me his number out of the car window when they were stopped at a red light. I never even seen him before at school! But as a hopeless romantic my heart melted, it seemed straight out a teen rom com in my eyes. Little did I know I was about to take my first of many rollercoaster rides to hell.

We loved each other for what we could know love to be at that age. Puppy love, young love whatever it was. We did all the things that teenagers did back then when it came to dating. He was the first person I had ever truly dated, and we spent as much time as we could together. After a few months things became toxic. He left me for other girls, cheated, didn't want to be with me but didn't want me to be with anyone else. One time to get his attention I got in a car with a random guy and stopped in front of his house because I knew it was going to upset him. This whole situation really messed me up mentally, and emotionally. It made the next 21 years difficult for me in relationships because it seemed that every relationship after that I endured similar outcomes.

Anyways like I said I had an intuition to reach out to him, last time I had talked to him was about 3 or so years ago and it didn't really go well. We were both in different situations and headspaces back then, so I wasn't sure how reaching out to him this time would go. He was shocked that I reached out after all this time, but said he was thankful that I did. He had been going though a lot mentally so in my eyes it was a god send that I reached out. Of course the conversation was light hearted at first. Just catching up seeing how each other had been, where we are in our lives are now, you get the picture.

Eventually the conversation ventured into our past and our relationship. While have had this conversation before, things felt a little different this time. It felt like due to everything we'd both been through there was more of a level of understanding and acceptance. When he began describing all of our relationship from his perspective and all that he actually remembered, I began crying. I cried for the 15 year old girl that sat up crying at night wondering why she wasn't good enough. I cried for the teenager that felt misunderstood and all she wanted was him but he didn't want her either. I sobbed finally being able to give that broken girl the words she begged him for all those years ago. Also finally realizing that he was broken too, and two broken people will break each other further when they can't properly express their emotions.

Over the course of this week we have kept in touch, as we are both going through hard times. I thought to myself well maybe after all these years despite it all I could give him another chance. Our texts and phone conversations would lead that way but then I would pull back. There where multiple factors but two stand out to me the most. One major one was certain things he said triggered me and reminded me of all the toxic and abusive parts of our relationship in high school. The second one was the sweet things he would say, or sometimes just how he talked in general reminded me of my most recent relationship and I realized that I was still in love with that person. Even if the second one hadn't been a factor, after all these years I learned that if someone is still exhibiting the same behavior than you're going to end up in the same situation now matter how sweet their words are.

All this to say life has a way of bring things back around, a way to close them out. Sometimes that can bring on confusion as it has for me now. I also learned that sometimes it can be far to late for an apology and to act right with someone. While I am grateful for this experience it has put a lot into perspective of not only what I will allow in my life, but also how I've chose to treat people that I have hurt along the way. They might feel the same way I do now. We're all human and we all make mistakes, but you can only make the same mistake so many times before someone stops forgiving you.