Girl in the Mirror

At some point in our lives we've come across a person that we love so much we'd do anything for them. You give your all to them emotionally, physically financially, all while losing ourselves in the process. We don't even realize it's happening, we'll start making excuses and staying for the small happy moments. Those moments are so rare at times, but when they come around it gives us that euphoric feeling that our brain has now become addicted too.

I've been in this position more than once in my life, all of which I am not proud of. My latest encounter though hurt me in a deeper, more profound way. They say that the universe will keep sending you the same lesson but in a different person until you learn. Since I like a flare for the dramatics instead of learning the first time, I had to be broken to my core instead.

One day back in April long after I went no contact with this person, I remember looking in the mirror and thinking "damn who is this girl." I went from blond hair to jet black, I was either not sleeping enough or sleeping to much, drinking more than eating, the list goes on. So when this song came out and the timing of it, just felt like I was meant to hear it. The one lyric that stuck out most to me was "you can't love the boy more than you love the girl in the mirror." It was what I needed to hear, because I always put my all into loving a man in the relationship more than myself. Hoping that if I loved them enough, and showed them how much I loved them, maybe they would love me the same.

Alas that wasn't the case, instead I kept falling down a darker and lonlier path. I kept allowing things I wouldn't normally allow, and accepted any attention that I could get. Toward the end of everything I began to realize what was happening, what the truth was. I knew that I didn't mean as much to him as he meant to me. I just didn't love myself enough to trust my intuition and walk away. Instead I kept convincing myself that they were honest, that they wouldn't hurt me that way. The problem with a writer with a hopeless romantic heart is I am always blinded by beautiful words. The truth was he could, and he would hurt me worse than I could imagine.

I've lost many people in my life, and it's always been something that has been hard for me to accept. I guess in healing you learn to realize some people you have to lose in order to find yourself, and love yourself. While I can't justify all of his actions, I will say I am beginning to understand that sometimes people just can't give you what you need at the time you meet them. They may want to, but they are also fighting their own demons. A lot of times we don't realize how bad things have gotten, and how to communicate our feelings properly. I am seeing now that a lot of the way people treat you is how they feel about themselves and it's nothing to do with you. I used to question what was wrong with me, why this always happened. While I defiantly come with my own set of issues, I know that the right person will know how to deal with me. And that sometimes you meet someone in the middle of their storm, and they can't love you in the way you need. But regardless I hope in someway my love helped them through their darkness.

If you're currently feeling this way or going through something similar, just know you're not alone. Healing isn't all rainbows and butterflies and at the end of the day the only way out is through. You're stronger than you know, and there are brighter days ahead. Remember your worth no matter how hard things get, remember to always love yourself first.