55 DAYS SOBER

Hello everyone :) My name is Kim, or as most people know me Kimmiekins. I am 34 years old, and I wanted to share with you my journey of going sober, and how its helped my anxiety and overall mental health. My hope is that by writing this I can help someone, and let them know that they are not alone.

For some context, I believe that I have always struggled with some form of anxiety and depression. I just feel that growing up mental health wasnt talked about like it is now, so I was never clear that this was something I was going through. I just figured that this is just how life was, and that every person feels this way. I also didn't realize that due to these feelings, I was at a higher risk of substance abuse, in my case Alcohol.

One day in 2017 I was going out with my friend and my sister to the movies, just a normal night. We had made a stop at Jamba Juice, and I didnt want anything so I sat in the car. While in the car I was just scrolling on my phone when out of nowhere I felt a burning sensation in my neck and my vision was blurry. Next thing I know my heart is racing and I am sweating, I felt like there was something seriously wrong. Writing those symptoms out now I realize it was a panic attack, but back then I had no idea.

Instead of saying anything to anyone I went along with night, but I was on my phone googling my symptoms, which wasn't leading anywhere to a panic attack but more towards either a serious illness or heart attack. So this began the rabbit hole of self diagnosis making my symptoms and anxiety worse.

Fast forward a few months and now my symptoms have worsen and I've diagnosed myself with everything under the sun, and in turn the amount of alcohol I am consuming is getting increasingly higher. This was because I realized that when I got drunk that the symptoms would stop, and the thoughts in my head would stop. It felt like the perfect solution, until it wasnt.

What was happening is I was getting caught in the loop of I have to drink to calm these symptoms down and if I don't then everything would come back worse than before and I couldn't handle it. The hangovers where on a whole other level, to the point I was convinced that something else was wrong and I would end up in the ER.

After awhile of living this way I choose to stop drinking, and I quit for about 6 weeks before life got to be too much I began drinking again and the cycle continued on all the way until March 3 2021.

I decided on that day that I had to stop drinking, if I ever wanted to heal. I was living in denial for the last 3 years thinking that alcohol wasnt a problem, and that something else had to be wrong. I didn't realize that this was going to be the hardest, but most beneficial decision of my life.

The first two weeks felt like hell for me, I felt like all my feelings where coming at me at once, I was super tired and just felt scared. I wasn't really sure what to even do with my time since my evenings where taken up by drinking. But as the weeks have went one I've noticed so many changes.

I've noticed that now if I do have panic or anxiety attacks I am able to reason with myself and allow them to happen rather than immediately thinking that something is wrong. I have been facing alot of my issues, with a much clearer understanding and acceptance. I am finally doing things that I am always talking about doing, but never feel well enough to do. The list goes on, but even on my hard days I just feel so much better about myself.

This hasn't been a walk in the park, and there have been a few times where I've just wanted to give in. I went to a friends get together and they were all drinking and I had to leave a few hours in because I wanted to drink, but I knew that what I am doing is bettering me and I needed to stick to it. I kind of beat myself up about it for a few days, even though my friends where supportive but reflecting on it now I am so proud of myself.

Then last week I was having a crappy day and was emotional and even walked to the store to buy alcohol but stopped myself, and reached out to my sister to let her know what I was going through and she supported me and talked me through it and I am forever grateful.

I know this is a lot of rambling but my point to all of this is if you have ever though about quitting drinking for one reason or another just know you're not alone and to give it a try. It will be one of the hardest but most rewarding things you will ever do in your life. There will still be hard days, and things will test you all the time, and you may even slip up but that is okay. I've just learned that I have to take things literally a day at a time, sometimes an hour at a time.

I don't know where my journey will lead, but right now I feel like I am finally finding myself, healing myself, and loving myself. And I hope my experience will help you as well. You're are not alone!