Gils and Fur

Mermaids and werewolves. What do these two things have in common? Nothing much, really. They’re both popular in fantasy genre. Though werewolves have been more heavily featured in horror movies. Thanks to the various stories that have featured them killing and eating human beings. Our innate fear of what we do not understand.

As well as their various iterations that either involve a seventh son, a unibrow, and some other stuff that don’t involve biting. Though that’s been the most common way to get infected. Despite scratches also being considered a way to get infected in some media. Like ‘The Howling’, which I’m very relieved and slightly disappointed about not being rebooted. But a whole lot more relieved than disappointed.

I know full well they would really mess it up.

Though that’s not what we’re talking about.

We’re here to talk about how I related to them growing up. As well as how I feel they helped my identity as an aroace trans man. They’re things that I’ve thoroughly adored since I was around five years old or so.

When I was five, I saw the movie ‘The Little Mermaid’. And while I watched Ariel become a human to not only get a chance at true love. But to escape her controlling Father who destroyed everything she owned. An abuser that everyone excuses the actions of at any turn to call Ariel a whole bunch of terrible names. Again, not what we’re talking about here. I had wanted the opposite of what she had desired. When I was younger, I desperately wanted to become a mermaid to escape my home life.

To escape my Mother’s Ex-Husband’s treatment of me. Along with other things that were happening in my childhood.

I had desperately wanted to be anything or anyone than myself. To swim better as well. As I wasn’t the world’s strongest swimmer when I was a child. I still ain’t that strong of a swimmer as an adult either. But I’m a whole lot better than I was when I was younger.

I wanted to be able to swim and enjoy shiny things. To have a tail and never go back to school where I was heavily bullied by other kids. During that time, I didn’t want to be alone. I wanted to be with other merfolk. Maybe others who were more like me. People who felt just as jaded by humanity as I had. A community that I had desperately wanted when I was a child. As an adult I haven’t felt as lonely as when I was younger. Thanks to the internet showing me a community that felt like I have.

Otherkin.

As cringy as that can be for some people, I loved it. And I still love it. I identified as mermaidkin for a long while. Right until I found out about werewolves.

Around a couple of years ago, I started watching more werewolf stuff. Horror movies and some T.V shows. Though the T.V shows never really were as good at showing the transformation as the movies had been. It didn’t bother me. So long as the werewolves were interesting in a scary or hilarious sort of way.

Like ‘Ginger Snaps’, ‘An American Werewolf in London’, and my favorite right now ‘Werewolves Within’. Each having their own interesting take on the legend. None of them had anything to do with curses or seventh son. Well, the ‘Werewolves Within’ had a family thing going on within it that was interesting. But other than that, it didn’t entirely follow the supernatural rules that some werewolves' lore follows.

And I started to resonate with that a lot more as I identified with being transgender.

Something about lycanthropy had made me feel more at peace with being a trans man. Maybe it was the horrors of transitioning from human to wolf. How cisgender straight and some queer people felt about it in general. That they viewed it as some horrible, irreversible, and damaging thing. Where I viewed it as a freedom that I hope to maintain someday. To be hairier than I am right now. Stronger than I am right now.

Possibly a frightening creature that would keep others away.

Now not all werewolves were anything like that. Or are even like that nowadays. Okay the ‘Werewolves Within’ is a recent movie but still. I had gone as a werewolf for Halloween and since then I’ve felt more werewolfkin than I do mermaidkin. At least during the colder months do I feel more like a werewolf. Once it gets to be Spring/Summer do I start feeling more like a merman than anything else.

I know this is odd and off putting for a lot of people, but it helped me.

Feeling more inhuman made accepting myself so much easier. But I know that I’m human. I know that I’m not alone within this feeling. And I’m hoping that my words can reach another person that feels like me. That you’re not alone in how this feeling is. What I want to tell you if you’re feeling like me is.

You’re not alone.

You aren’t a freak.

And you are valid in feeling the way that you do.

Even if you don’t feel like a merman or a werewolf like me. Even if you don’t feel like another creature in entirety. And your pronouns are neo or you’re using ‘it’ to connect better to your true self. I want you to know that you are perfect the way you are. Your feeling is normal, and you shouldn’t be ashamed of this.

Go out and be your truth. The community will be waiting for you.