Alcohol my Old “Friend"

The first post I ever made on Vocal in April of 2021, documenting my first attempt at getting sober for what felt like the millionth time. It's titled "55 days Sober". I go into depth about my struggle with Anxiety and Depression and how I drank more to combat the symptoms of both conditions. About 5 days after posting I had my first drink after 2 months of being sober. I only drank that one drink, so I thought, "I finally have control over my drinking, I don't have a problem like I thought." That was the biggest lie I ever told myself. This was the beginning of my darkest, but most meaningful setback to date.

My follow up post came in August of 2021 titled "Am I still sober?". In this I go one to admit that I technically have had drinks due to feeling uncomfortable in social situations, but feeling proud that I wasn't running to alcohol for everything. Which at the time of writing that post was true, but because I had convinced myself I didn't have a problem, and I could control my drinking. It didn't take long for me to fall back into old habits. Except this time I feel like things took a dark turn more quickly.

What was only drinking at concerts, became drinking on the weekends. I would only buy what I knew would get me buzzed, because I knew if I bought anymore than that I would most likely drink it. I should have recognized this as a problem, but my brain seemed to find ways to convince me it wasn't. Then I went from drinking on the weekends, to some days during the week. Again only buying what I knew would get me buzzed, or at the very least "relax me."

My hangovers were becoming worse, if I binge drank I would be feeling like shit for at least two days. Even on the days were I wasn't getting drunk and just having a few, I still woke up feeling awful. My anxiety and depression were at an all time high. I wasn't taking care of myself in the slightest. Not only was I drinking, I was eating fast food most days. Exercise, what was that? I could hardly find motivation just to take walks because I felt so exhausted.

Fast forward to 2022, I started to realize that my drinking was becoming worse than it had ever been. On days I was going out to concerts, or celebrations I was taking it too far. This was when I realized that I couldn't control my drinking, once I started I wasn't stopping. While it scared me, I was still convincing myself that alcohol was serving some sort of positive purpose in my life. That it was helping me in someway. I couldn't see it then, but it was taking everything from me.

One day I logged onto Instagram and seen that Dave Coulier (known to most as Uncle Joey from Full House) had posted about his battle with alcohol and how in January of 2020 he decided to get sober. His story struck a cord with me, and I commented on the post thanking him for sharing and hoped someday I could fully give up alcohol. I hadn't expected that he would see this comment, but he did and he liked it! I was over the moon, as I grew up watching Full House and to this day is still one of my favorite shows. Even though I have never met the cast, I still feel that in someways they are like family. In my head I took this as a sign that I really needed to start working toward getting sober. The events that would follow would lead me to where I am currently.

A few days after the event on Instagram happened, I was sitting at home on a Sunday having a few White Claws and watching Bridgerton. I got a message from a friend that I hadn't seen in a while asking if they could come over and hangout. They came over, and we went to the store were we purchased alcohol, even though I had already been drinking. I proceeded to drink until I think 4am (not sure on the time, I hardly remember going to sleep). I proceeded to sleep until around 3 in the afternoon, only moving to the couch and laying there and sleeping on and off for the rest of the day. A few days later I drank again, not nearly as much but this sent my body into overdrive. The next day while working I ended up having the worst panic attack I've ever had. I was dehydrated, blood pressure through the roof. Who knows how much I had really eaten those past few days. I logged off of work putting in sick leave and just began crying, begging to find my way out of this cycle that I keep putting myself in.

I'm not sure what happened but it's as if a switch flipped in my head. I knew that I had to stop, and I felt this shift inside of me. I began realizing that in no way, no matter how long I was sober, could I ever control my drinking. If I continued down this path I was on, it was only going to get worse. I began evaluating my life and what alcohol was doing to it, none of it being positive. I learned that I needed to love myself enough to stop, and start taking care of myself. Start living instead of just surviving.

I'm learning to rewire my brain and finding other ways to unwind after a long day. I started writing more, like i've been saying I was going to do for over a year now. Sometimes I'll break out my adult coloring books and sit for an hour coloring. Other times I'll take a bubble bath, and instead of bringing alcohol as my drink to relax I'll bring in coffee or water. Most importantly exercise. Even if I am just walking for now, exercise has always helped me, but I want to have a healthier relationship with it this time around.

Another goal of mine is to start journaling again. I was doing really well up until a few months ago, now I hardly ever do it.

I'm starting to set myself up for success for upcoming events that I have. Alcohol is so socially acceptable that when you quit or say you're not going to have a drink people always ask why. In the past it's always made me feel anxious going out, causing me to want to drink so I didn't feel like the outcast. But now I am starting to look into what non alcoholic drinks I can order, incase I do have the urge to want to drink. I'm learning not to envy people that I view as having control of their drinking like I once did.

I'm only 10 days into it this time around and I can tell you it's been the hardest yet mentally. At one point this week I wanted a drink so bad that I ended up purchasing those liquid death waters, because they come in tall cans like most beer or white claws, as a placebo. I know it sounds crazy but it did help. I'm trying whatever I have to do to be as successful as I can.

I just want you to know that if you're thinking about quitting, or you've just started on your journey that you are not alone. This battle is tough, but we just have to take it one day at a time, sometimes one minute at a time. I've been so scared to admit that I have a problem with drinking, but honestly I think I needed to in order to take any steps to becoming truly sober. If you've made it this far, thank you for listening, and sticking with me through this journey.