Am I still Sober?

My first post here on Vocal was about my journey to sobriety from alcohol. It's called "55 days Sober." I realized that i wrote that article six months ago and never made an update. The question that everyone asks when they see sober posts is "Are you still sober?" The short answer for me is technically no i have had drinks since I've last wrote. But I want to share my story, what I've learned along the way, how I've healed, my future goals etc. This could be a very long post, but I hope that it will help at least one person in their journey of sobriety. One thing I want to note is sobriety does look different for every person, what works for one person may not for another. And that is perfectly okay.

In my first post I shared more of the mental health side of my journey and how alcohol effected me. In this post I want to go more in depth with my history with drinking, and how deciding to go sober and stay sober has been so trying for me. I wanted to start sharing more of my journey to being completly alcohol free so I can look back on details that I may forget. I also hope that someone can relate and feel less alone.

My first experince every getting really drunk was on New Years Eve in 2003, I was 16 years old. Me and my best friend had the time of our lives feeling carefree, and happy. I don't know exactly how much alcohol I drank that night, but I know it was a bunch of different liqours on top of Smiernoff Ice drinks. After this moment I didnt drink regularly, I ofcourse had such a bad hangover I swore I would never drink again. But looking back on this experince and a few others from highschool I learned that I was using drinking to handle social situations, as well as a way to escape any emotion.

Growing up I was a very shy person, and I was always questioned why I was so quiet. I honestly didn't know why, and I hated that I was so different from everyone else. What I realized with alcohol is that after a few drinks I would losen up and talk to everyone, they more I drank the more comfortable I became. I felt like I wasn't different anymore, I was accepted. The dangerous part of this for me was alcohol became apart of who I was/am. I liked the way I felt when I was buzzed, I liked that I could open up and be myself.

Fast forward to the years 2008-2010 I went through some major life events that were very emotional that I didn't deal with. These events included death and breakups, all I did was run from these emotions with alcohol. When I drank it numbed the pain, and calmed my brain. Little did I know I was suppressing so many emotions that by 2017 it would all hit me like a train. This increased my alcohol consumption to a level that to this day still scares me.

Due to running from all my emotions by 2018 I was drinking every night. I wasn't always getting wasted, but I needed to drink something in order to just calm down because how I felt scared me. But there were a few times I drank to such access that i would scare my best friend due to my actions, or I would wake up still drunk from the night before and end up missing events because I felt so horriable.

In 2018 I did quit drinking for about six weeks, but picked it back up again with the thought that everything was fine and I could handle it. That was not the truth, and in many ways i felt like I only got worse. Your brain is so powerful, and it comes up with so many lies to make you feel like your actions are okay.

Now here we are in 2021 and I decided in March that I was going to go sober. I was tired of waking up with hangovers everyday, and I was scared of the path that I was heading down. At first everything was easy, I was proud of myself everyday that I didnt drink. What came along with quitting drinking was everything I was running from, and my brain would automatically want to drink. I fought off that feeling and really began to deal with my feelings, and for awhile everything was good.

What I began noticing though is when I started going to parties at friends, or concerts I found it hard to not drink. These were events that I associated with drinking and having a good time like everyone else. I had to leave a friends party early because I didnt want to drink, but concerts I needed to still drink to feel comfortable.

So like I said I've obviously had drinks since my last post, and I am doing my best. What I will say is I don't run to alcohol when I am feeling intense emotions, and am learning to face things head on. I am still struggling with social situations and just accepting myself for who I am. And figuring out my identiy that doesnt include alcohol. At first I was mad at myself for not being succesful at never drinking again, but what I am learning is its about progress and not perfection. I feel like I have made a lot of progress and I need to remind myself to be proud of that.

I know this post has been long and rambeled but I hope someone can relate. Becoming sober in any form is not easy, and looks so different for everyone. Just know you're not alone, and your version of sober is valid not matter what it looks like.