Back to December

What is that saying thats been going around? 2022 broke me, 2023 destroyed me, and 2024 is my comback? I think thats how it goes. 2022 was defiantly the year that broke me, and this year well yes it did destroy me badly. There have been good moments, moments I am so proud of. But for the most part this year has been experiencing pain I haven't in many years. I am proud of the fact that I was able to go on a week long trip alone, for the first time since 2018. It was a trip that I needed for so many reasons. I got to experience a full week alone, in a small town and state where no one knew me. I stayed in a cheap hotel right off the highway, and behind it was a quiet fishing pond that hardly anyone was using. I sat on the deck of that pond most of the days I was there, thinking and reflecting. Knowing I was originally supposed to be here with someone I considered to be the love of my life was a little gut wrenching. But I also felt empowered that I took the trip anyways, finally doing something for myself and not worry about what others thought.

In my hopeless romantic heart I had hoped he would be there, and that we could fix what was broken. Alas though this isn't a movie and that didn't happen. I journaled out my feelings on the situation, hoping to leave him behind in this small town. I could feel in my heart though that it just wasn't going to end in that way. I wasn't however prepared for the whole to truth to be laid out on the table, even though the universe knew it would truly be the only way to let this situation go.

Reflecting back on this situation I always knew the truth, I have messages to him, notes to myself it was all laid out. But I didn't want to believe it, I wanted to believe the words that I had so desperately fell in love with. So I continued to allow him to lie, and with each lie was a broken promise of hopes we would be together. After almost a year and a half his on again off again girlfriend came to me with the real truth. Not the person I would have ever expected but ultimately the one I needed to truly pull the rose colored glasses off my face. I was told that he never wanted me and I was just being used for financial gain. I think the reason it hurt me so much is one of course my feelings in the situation were real. I had also gotten to know him, or what I thought I knew of him, at an emotional level I never had with anyone before. So between those two things, it kept me blinded and not listening to my intuition.

I also met him in person one time, plus other members of his family, including his mom. When I found out the truth of everything I was flabbergasted that he would go through these great lengths for everything to be a lie. It showed me so much about people, and how selfish they can really be. How you can tell them all about your past, they promise they would never do that to you, and end up destroying you worse than you when you started. I am so embarrassed that I even allowed something like this to happen, and now choosing to share it on the internet. In my heart I know I am not the first or the last person to have something like this happen. My hope is to make at least on person feel less alone in these situations. To remember that its nothing to do with you, and everything to do with them. Even though I still struggle to see that somedays, well most days if we are being honest.

I've sat and asked the universe why any of this needed to happen. Why send me this person if this was going to be the outcome. I've wrote a few pieces about him on here (Save Me and A letter to my Twinflame) because I genuinely felt this way about him at the time. I truly believed I had found the love of my life. Reflecting now I realize that he was sent to me for lessons I needed to learn. To learn that I need to believe actions not words, set boundaries with people, and stop wanting love so badly you'll allow anything just to have it. I've always done this in the past, and they say until you learn your lesson you'll be sent the same person in a different body. I now believe that to be true.

As much as I want to hate him I can't. I truly believe in karma and I know that it always comes back around. That aside though there were moments of happiness and times that I truly did need him. I know there had to be a small truth amongst the lies, even if that truth was only at the beginning. If it wasn't for him I wouldn't have traveled, I wouldn't have began reconnecting with my family again. I wouldn't have realized the things about myself that I needed to fix in order to heal and become a better version of myself.

Reflecting back to last December when the pain of all of this truly began, I can a lot of growth in myself since then. Even though I lost a lot between then and now its growth none the less. I know I will miss the version of him that never existed. I'm sure I will wonder from time to time how he is doing, but its time to move on and for this chapter to close. This time of year is always hard on me no matter what, but what I can say that I am doing better this time around. So that's an improvement.

Just know if this time of year is hard for you, no matter what the reason, you are not alone. I feel like the holiday's amplify the feeling of loneliness, and shoves in your face the things you don't have but wish you did. Remember your feelings are always valid, and like with everything in life this to shall pass. We are all fighting internal battles, and I hope for everyone that regardless we can find the little bit of light in these dark times.